Not so Charming

A Story by Butters

This is for the Cartoon Contest

“Prince Charming, It’s always a pleasure to see you. What can I do for you today?”

The prince mindlessly sweeps a golden tress behind his perfectly positioned ear as he hands over a neatly stapled stack of papers to the town’s one and only lawyer.

“I see,” the ageing man replies adjusting his spectacles. “I was hoping the third time was the charm.” Looking over the papers the lanky gentleman seems genuinely distraught.

Prince Charming is the firms only repeat client. Not for lack of education or commitment on the lawyer’s part but rather lack of crime and heresy. Other than Peter Pumpkin Eater and the Prince no one has ever applied for a divorce. Mostly property disputes, like the three little pigs and the ruckus Goldilocks caused, are all this office ever sees. Then there was the great dispute of a long, long time ago when Little Red Riding Hood had tried to sue the life insurance company for death benefits since technically her grandmother had been eaten and declared dead for all of five minutes. The jury ruled in favor of the insurance company claiming one could indeed by inside another’s stomach yet still be alive. The insurance company also brought up a good point when they questioned the plaintiff on how exactly a two hundred pound woman was swallowed whole by a sixty pound creature.

“I’ll go fetch the prenups,” the lawyer sadly mumbles as he shuffles toward the filing room. The balding man can’t help but think about a time when he had hair and Prince Charming was battling his first divorce. What was her name? Oh, yes, Cinderella a dramatic princess if there ever was one. The poor stepmother, bless her soul, never could tame Cinderella’s wild and ruthless ways. Not even punishment and room confinement seemed to help. Part of the problem was her choice in friends. She was always hanging around with those rats, nasty little creatures, always stealing something. And that fairy Godmother was just as bad if not worse than Cinderella was; telling lies and spreading rumors about the family. Once Prince Charming got her home and she could neither cook nor hold a broom properly it was fairly obvious she’d never worked a day in her life. When the divorce settled Cinderella, with much advice from her godmother, owned two-thirds of the castle and everything in it. Hence the need for future prenuptial agreements.

There was no need for prenups with the second wife. Snow White was nothing more than a tree hugging hippie. One of those animal rights activist. It shook the community to the core when she ran away from home and moved in with seven coalminers twice her age. Everyone secretly wondered what went on behind close doors when every morning the fellows lined up before work for a goodbye kiss. It didn’t come as much of a surprise when Snow White packed her bags and moved back in with her seven lovers when the Prince refused to an eighth member to the obscene orgy.

Alas we come to the third marriage the lawyer had hoped would be the last. She came from a good family and never gained any negative remarks against her reputation. Partially because she was truly a good girl and partially because few people actually knew her. She’d become somewhat of a recluse as is the case with many narcoleptics. Yes, the lawyer thought Sleeping Beauty was the one.

“Here we are Mr. Charming. I believe I have everything I need to proceed,” the lawyer takes a weary breath and continues. “I’m just so sorry for your misfortunes…” The lawyer’s sympathetic words fall on deaf ears as he finds the Prince in a passionate embrace with one of the locals. The elderly clerk thinks to himself, “Maybe I should go ahead and draw up the next divorce papers. Everyone knows that girl’s crazy, and a terrible houseguest at that. Imagine requesting new sleeping arrangements simply because one small pea was under the mattress.

© 2012 Butters

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Wakeofahero

I already love reading your work. You write with such wit and humor at times. This is so damn funny, I litterally laughed from begining to end. The law firm in the fairy tale world was such a great idea. This could be a movie or quite the story. "Prince Charming's quest for Happiness". I can see him marrying Sleepy Beauty who would be the lazy wife, Cinderella the drama queen, Jasmine would be a woman with poor english/language barrier, and Snow White who had one to many men attracted to her. Hahaha great job!