All things that We Are

This is a semi autobiographical tale but has a poetic feeling to it. I believe strongly its message is important for all to feel. It is a very short read.

All Things that We Are

By

Carlos Lorenzo Estrada 

     I died those many months ago. Though my suicide was a complete failure I did manage to kill a piece of me.  The innocence, the part that discovered the ephemeral nature of first love and its tragedy. I was a broken boy at the edges end of my teenage years. All I had to face my coming manhood was a devastated heart and broken soul. The destruction I had wrought upon myself was obvious. The scars on my wrist and near skeletal remains of a once healthy youthful boy were all that remained. In a final act of defiance I had managed to make off with my parent's car. They had ignored me treating my return home with a bit of indifference and annoyance since I had caused such a scandal to their name. The early afternoon party they threw was to repair their sullied reputation brought upon them by my actions.  So I left taking flight in their yellow four door '79 Buick. 

     I found myself driving along the coastline between Seaside and Monterey.  It was a beautiful day, but I still couldn't see it for what it was.  My mind was still so fractured, broken, without clarity. I laughed one moment and cried the next, there was no control of these emotions.  They were simply revealed like a Pandora's box of opened raw nerves throbbing like fresh wounds.  I made my way weaving through the small city to drive along the path of lover's lane.  And through my own intuition found the spot to finally stop the car and leave its comforts behind.  I don't know what brought me here to this particular spot by the sea.  Was it preordained, or simply the machinations of chance in a universe of endless possibilities.

    I removed my tennis shoes before stepping upon this hallowed ground. Its serenity was palpable with a sense of prescient nature.   It had known of my coming well before I arrived. The white seagulls floated overhead almost in place in welcoming my presence before the house of all things.  Her breath washed against my skin with the salty sweetness of a divine caress of a ghost who recognized those that are lost like themselves.  The sand was like powder beneath the soles of my feet.  With each step it seemed to lift me up and move me gently forward toward the endless blue.  I was lost in her.  Gazing upon the infinite searching for the convergence between these opposing forces of indigo and azure, sky and sea.  Drawn toward her by some innate primal instinct that reflected the beginning of all things living; home.

     I was her broken child and she wept for me, within her calm fury.  The sea foam swept across my ankles with a stunning coolness, then retreated back into the body of blue. She would not have me because I did not belong to her anymore. It was then that she gave me a final gift, so that I could reflect upon her unsaid words and find the clarity of purpose.  To my side walked a doe and her fawn. This eternal moment of brevity stunned me with its beauty.  Nature walked by my side unafraid. Because they knew and recognized in me themselves.  Creatures lost and wandering the world until their tired feet bring them home.

Author's Note

Thank you for taking the time to read this short piece of writing. I truly do appreciate it.

Reviews

[Irtaza kamal]

Amazing and wonderful story. I read it three times

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Irtaza for your kind words. It truly means a lot. We write what we know, and what we know the most is our own lives and the pain we have suffered. It is my wish that anyone who reads this story and who may be going through difficult times know it will pass. Such pain does not last forever. But being brave and surviving is a strength and lasting quality that will be sustained throughout the rest of life. It is a grace of love that the great writer Kahlil Gibran often wrote about in his artful poetry and stories. Thank you for reading this tale of my life.

[barleygirl]

This is awesome writing. Aside from the storyline, what stands out to me is the way each paragraph is written in a completely different style, each one written in a style to demonstrate a step-by-step descent into surrender. P1 is so hectic & cerebral. P2 begins to get out of the head & into the sensory. P3 dives even deeper, beyond the sensory and into spiritual awe. And finally from spiritual awe into surrender. Thank you for sharing this exquisite demonstration about how to let go (((HUGS)))

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Margie for your thoughts on this story. These things happened with two exceptions. I overdosed on sleeping pills and it was my mother who went and partied with her friends and was embarrassed by my actions. It was my intention to build up into the spiritual aspect with each corresponding paragraph. Most of my life I have struggled with these disease of depression. The journey to self empowerment and love can only be described and understood under those circumstances. Because you have to see the value and self worth of your own heart and breath before the eyes of nature. That day on the beach with the deer showed to me that I belong in this world. And though I had felt like an unloved child nature told me otherwise. Thank you again for taking the time to read this story of me.

[Carola]

what a sad story with a lovely ending. sure glad your suicide attempt didn't work out.
i think most parents are preoccupied with public family image & seems to be at the apex of all their concerns. image preoccupation is evil in my eyes, it makes people very self-centred.

cheerio carola

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Carola for your kind words. I truly appreciate them. In writing this short memior it is my hope that others who have suffered will come to know that there are better days ahead. That this to shall pass. That even in your weakest moment your stronger one awaits you, simply by taking your next step.

[Coyote Poetry]

I agree my friend.
"Creatures lost and wandering the world until their tired feet bring them home"
I loved the complete story and I agree with the above lines. Thank you Carlos for sharing the amazing story and your thoughts.
Coyote

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you CP, for your comment on this story. I won't ever forget that day on the beach. I don't think I'm ever meant to because it changed my life forever. It simply showed me that we all have purpose in this world. Thank you again my friend.

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome Carlos.

[Carol Crismond]

A heartfelt story of desperation and hurt. So beautifully written and I was able to understand the magnetic nature of the ocean, it is where one goes to heal. It was amazing to watch your moments of despair evolve into a beginning by the sight of the fawn. These are nature's gifts that the Creator gives to us during our darkest moments. The sighting of the fawn turned an ending of despair into hope in a beginning. Congratulations, a lovely story of life.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Carol for your kind words. When we are young we are filled with powerful emotions. They are amped up to extreme levels. We do things to ourselves at that age we come to regret later in life. Or even if we don't we recognize we could have chosen another path then self harm and a nihilistic approach. But we are complicated creatures who must learn to control our turmoil and strife without it destroying us. That day at the beach I found hope in a gift, a single moment, brief but filled with infinite resonance. All creatures great and small acknowledge love. It binds us all and at its best we recognize it in each other. It brings us home.

[Vertigo Cat1111]

The emotion, the way you wrote it, it’s all completely majestic. You wrote this in such a refined but interesting way, the sadness palpable. It’s very descriptive and full of emotions that are intense and strong, but relatable. I particularly like the part with the deers and does, it was so beautifully written. And the way you wrote the sea was enchanting as well. The visuals you painted were so vivid and bright, but dark when it needed to be.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Colacat for you kind review of this piece. You perfectly described my intent on writing this story. It was important for me to paint these painful, and yet emotionally hopeful words in this tale. I wanted to place the reader in the scene both physically and in emotive fashion. To connect to their humanity because everyone at some point in life experiences such a painful moment. Perhaps not as far as in this in the angst spectrum but no less painful. I found it very important to reach all the human senses I could within this story because I so believe its message for I lived it. It is my hope as the writer of these words that if anyone in this kind of pain feels so lost there are places of peaceful solace they can find. A home to ease their pain as to never take their anguish and hurt to extremes. I hope this letter to them finds them and speaks to their heart. They never walk alone.

[Vertigo Cat1111]

Yes, it was beautiful, the way you create a safe haven and show that everyone has been through their own pain. For that alone, it's one of the most emotionally ratlling pieces on the site.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you so much for these kind words on this work from the bottom of my heart I truly appreciate them.

[Patricia Wedel]

dearest Carlos... we are part of Nature by the Sea... yearning to be free...
searching for that Shell where we will find Comfort in our Sorrow. truly, Pat

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you, Pat, for the kind comment on this piece. I truly appreciate the words you have said and also knowing this tale moved you to reveal such kindness of thought.

[Neville]

.......... I see the broken child has a god gifted golden pen .. A compelling tale told terrifically well Carlos .. ....... My hat is off to you sir ............ AGT's .. Neville

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you my friend for the kind comment. I truly feel grateful to be a part of a community of so many talented and amazing writers from all over the world including you my friend. Every voice here unique,gifted, and inspiring in the art that we all love. Not only that but we are very welcoming to all writers who have a profound love for the art form we share an appreciation for. This place has given me much more then I can ever return. But I try as much as I can to pay forward everything that the cafe community has given to me. I count it as a blessing to find a home here for my simple writings and an appreciative ear that is willing to listen to my voice. And great new wonderful friends to share our art with. Thank you Neville for the nice comment and friendship as well. I truly appreciate both.

[Neville]

as far as I am concerned, we are both truly blessed :)

[.]

It's a very nice descriptive writing with full of emotion. I felt sorry for your move in the teenaged year... Yes, that vulnerable age of life when a loss seemed a mountain which was impossible to cross... But i am happy you found yourself with new joy and hope.

The sea description was just awesome... The foam touching the ankle and retreating into the sea... It's so visual. You aptly wrote that when nature surrounds us with much love then its our pain that touch them and we found solace in them.

It's a very touchy piece... Thank you so much for sharing

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you so much my friend for your review on this story. I will never forget that day for as long as I live. It was the most beautiful and touching thing I had ever seen. These two wild animals that had no fear of me and recognized my pain and were sympathetic toward it. That moment in my life changed me forever. And is one of the many reasons why I write. To share it with others because it truly defines in my heart what hope really is. Thank you so much again for your comment.

[.]

You are so welcome... Pls keep writing and posting

[Fran Marie]

I was her broken child and she wept for me, within her calm fury.
such a sad but beautifully penned story with a poetic tone
to it the way you use the descriptives are vibrant and
so nicely placed within..im glad you're suicide attempt
failed.now in retrospect you have written what you felt
at that time in your youth..very well expressed also

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Fran for your kind thoughts on this piece. That moment still touches me to that day. I will never forget seeing those deer walking right by me along the shore. Almost close enough to touch. Not fearing me because they intuitively sensed my pain. And just like them only looking for the solace of the sea. In that single moment I was given hope. The one thing I so desperately needed. It is ok to make mistakes in life especially when young and so impressionable. It should never be the ending but simply the learning. Thank you so much for your kind comment on this piece, I truly appreciate it.

[Fran Marie]

yes we all made those mistakes
in our youth and we reproach
ourselves later and wonder if
we could have done better ..but
wisdom doesn't come with youth
it comes with age..you're so
very welcome😊