Tabby and the Witches of Dark Valley Central High School

Asked my muse for something scary and she said if I had ever raised a teenage girl. When I replied no she said I didn't know what scary was. Enjoy this very short piece of parent horror.

Tabby and the Witches of Dark Valley Central High School 

By

Carlos Lorenzo Estrada 

"Beware, dear hearts, of the dark forest allure, which corrupts the soul with evil impure. Be not tempted by its entrancing haze, which stifles the thoughts with its mystical gaze. For within its depths where brave fret to tread, witches lurk behind gnarled trees dead. Ye, will find no mysteries here. Only the cackles and laughters to fear." - John Dee, occultist, astronomer, mathematician, alchemist, and current Dean of Dark Valley Central High School. Also, makes a mean souffle De Le'creme.

                                                      Chapter one:  Origins...or is it oranges? WTF, who cares!

     "Like...ew,Tabby, wtf is that?" A beleaguered Hortence Spigwitle asked her bestie forever with a mild look of disgust, as they sat outside the steps of Dark Valley Central High School before the start of first period class.

     "Omg, Tence, chill! It's only Kombucha." Tabitha Hemlock replied with a bit of annoyance and sarcasm, as she took a swig from her glass jar.

     "You're not...like...going to actually drink that, are you?"

     "Uh...yeah?"

     "Omg, Tabby, that's so nasty! It looks like the water my gran gran puts her false teeth in! And WTF is up with that cup? It looks like a peanut butter jar! Like what's up with that, b***h, are you like poor or somethin?"

     "Omg, Tence, you're such a hoe! You just need to chill." Both insufferable teenagers began to cackle in delight at one another. Despite their petty selfishness and incorrigible conceit both had a fondness toward one another much like a cat to a mouse.

     "What up, b*****s, where my homies at?" Young Judy Stench called out to her friends as she adjusted the black rimmed glasses sliding down her long pointed nose.

     "Hey, Jude!" Both teenage witches replied in unison as they continued to cackle at their irreverent behavior. Taking enjoyment from their mutual inane idiocy. 

     "Oh muh gurd, did you hoes hear about Nancy Pew?" Judy asked of her beasties for life buds placing an open hand close to her mouth to stifle any inquiring minds from her gossip.

     "You mean Bigfoot Pew."

     "Jeez, Tabby, that's harsh even for a hoochie like you." Hortence retorted rolling her eyes in the process.

     "Ain't wrong, amiright. B***h gotz big feet. And they're fugly too. She needs to stay away from open toe heels."

     "Aw hell yeah they are." Judy replied also adding, "Them the kind of feet a pedi-can't-cure!"

     "And don't get me started on the hoe's hair!  It looks like those weeds at Salem's Lot, amiright? B***h needs a comb cus a brush ain't cuttin it, know what I'm sayin?" Tabby spoke with all the elegance of a rattlesnake overflowing with venom.

     "You witches are cold. You both do realize she's half gorgon right?" Hortence said trying to plead toward their better nature despite knowing full well that they had none, including her.

     "Anyways, where was I before I was crudely interrupted.  Oh yuppers, Nancy Pew! I hear the b***h be knocked up.  Now, both you witches know I'm not one to be spreading rumors right?" Judy asked. To which both teenage girls replied by rolling their eyes at her simultaneously.  "I'll take that as a yes. Anyways, I'm hearing that Frankie Stien is the father."

     "Frankie the freshman? Oh, now you be shittin us, biatch!"

     "Naw, I'm being totes cereal with ya, Tabby-skank."

     "Omg, so gross. And she's a junior too. What a cougar!"

     "The hoe spreads more than butter, amiright?" Judy murmured while opening up her compact to touch up on her blush.

     "I'm not surprised..." Tabby shot back before taking another swig from her glass jar of Kombucha. "...b***h don't have camel-toe, she got dino-toe. I've seen cave openings smaller than her."

     "Jeez, Tabs, that's so cold blooded."

     "I know right? It must be my low blood sugar again. Maybe I need a snickers."

     "Omg, quick act normal!  Timothee Chalamutt is walking towards us." Hortence spoke in excited ferver. She had always had an undying crush on the half werewolf boy, who suffered from bouts of alopecia, since grade school.  So extreme to the point that she had taken the shavings of her father's back hair and glued them onto her special pillow which she would often hump every full moon while whispering Timothee's name.

     "Hellow ladies!  How my hoes doin today."

     "I know you didn't just call me a hoe, Timmy!" Tabby glared at the half hairy face of the tall skinny teenage boy and grumbled.

     "Aww, come on, Tabs, how many time I gotta tell you. Call me T-Money!"

     "Oh like hell I am! Omg, ew...why would I ever call you that?"

     "Cuz to the honies I'm like a slot machine. Yank on my handle and I make a b***h's eyes flash three 7's! I'm all money baby, yeah."

     "Omg, so gross. Grow up, Timmy. What you got; we ain't buying. So exit stage left, punkass!"

     "Damn...that cut me deep, Tabby cat, but I still got love for you, gurl!"

     "Morning, T-Money." Hortence spoke in a coquettes manner. Her voice a soft lilting timbre slightly higher than normal.

     "Omg, Tence, are you for reals?" Tabby shot a look of anger her way.

     "Oh yeah, gurlz can't resist me, and boys wanna be me. What up lil honey? Ya got sum sweet sugar fo T-Money?"

     "Naw, brah, she doesn't so scat!" Judy interjected standing between to half wolf boy and her teen witch friend.

     "It's all good. I'll catch ya on the other side of a full moon, nah I'm sayin?" Timothee said while shooting a half furry wink toward Hortence's direction.  He turned walking towards the large glass doors of the high-school entrance, then spun around for dramatic effect before blowing a kiss at the three girls still looking at him.

     "Omg, that boy makes me moist." Hortence whispered loud enough to be heard, as she bit down salaciously onto her bottom lip.  Which caused a bit of excess drool to drip down the corner of her misshapen wide mouth.

     "Ew...TMI, Tence, that's so freaking nasty!" Both her friends countered at the same time.

     "I know right? God, I'd love to have his bun in my coven." Hortence giggled, as both her witchy friends cackled evily. 

Author's Note

I wanted to introduce my piece with the following: This is dedicated to J.K. Rowling whose books I've never read...but I hear they're good. I think I'm a Slytherin. At least that's what I been told.
My muse Cate talked me down from the ledge because she's took offense from that. When I told her it was just a joke she said, "Your penis is a joke, while J.K. Rowling is an incredible female artist who is above reproach, especially from an insignificant man such as yourself." Sometimes the truth hurts. But it's still funny as fuck. People will either hate this idiotic tale or love it for its camp humor. It's an acquired taste to be sure. Like the great wino brew thunderbird. It is a mix of Clueless, Mean Girls, and the Kardashians. Two of those being classics and the one being utter garbage unworthy for human consumption...putting it lightly. I hope no one take this write seriously because it is just raunchy humor not meant to offend. Thank you for at least being brave enough to read this truly scary tale of faux teenage life in the dark Valley.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

A title like this from you & I was headed to the kitchen for a big mug full becuz I knew I wuz gonna savor this! You do have the world's best teenage-girl muse & she slammed it for homies on this one. It doesn't even matter if you have a freakin' storyline or not (which is still in doubt here) . . . it's just the pure unadulterated joy of reading your crass corny a*s as you perceive young badass females to be. I've never read Rowling either, but I'll have you know I'm audacious enuf to suppose that sometimes I must be channeling Steinbeck in my nature writing, so feel free to be as presumptuous as you please around me! *wink! wink!* No really, in all seriousness, this is such entertaining writing, it really doesn't matter that this story goes absolutely NOWHERE! What can one expect from an aging teenage girl wannabe??? *heh! heh! heh!* (((HUGS)))

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Margie for the sweet comment on this piece. A few months back while getting groceries at Walmart I was waiting in line to pay and I could hear these 3 teenage Valley girls behind me and I s**t you not they talked exactly like this. It was so hard to keep from laughing. This story was actually a little longer and was called "Tabby the teenage witch and the wand of dildore...yeah it's not a wand!" but I felt that might have pushed the boundaries a bit too much. I try to stay eclectic as a writer because I feel it helps me better improve and understand other genres. My humor is the worst I couldn't tell a joke for the life of me. But this was so fun and actually liberating because humor at its core is best unfiltered and uncompromising. It pushes boundaries and at times pages them. This piece was a car wreck if the car was one filled with clowns. I so loved the caricature and satire of this writing. It actually made me miss being a teen again...almost. by the way I actually knew a kid growing up exactly like T-Money. Thank you again for the sweet review and glad it entertained.

[Namus]

Nice one. Just to be a bit rude though, um.. this show-but-don't-tell business (which I confess, I don't quite follow well).. do you think one could _show_ how funnily evil they are rather than telling it so often? ...just trying to understand structure.On the other hand, I think the length is perfect, so are number of characters, their dispositions, and style. 👍

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you for you thoughts on this piece. I will be the first to admit I'm not at all by nature any funny. I couldn't tell a joke for the life of me. But I sure enjoy the challenge of writing something different and not really a part of my overall style. This little exercise was very enjoyable. A lot of implied crass humor I readily admit, but so enjoyable. I strive to be an eclectic writer for the most part because I love to challenge myself in different genres. Nothing teaches and improves one's skill set more than actually attempting something different. This was fun. Thank you again for the kind comment.

[John Prophet]

Funny piece. Great write as always from you. JP

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you kindly JP I really appreciate it. Writing satire , humor, or lampoon is not easy at all. It's down right difficult, especially for me who can't even tell a joke. I'm absolutely the worst at humor. But as I have said before I enjoy trying to challenge myself as a writer and doing things out of my comfort zone. This was naughty fun and I honestly didn't think more than 5 people would read it at all. So I'm very grateful for all the brave souls that did and who didn't take offense to it. Thank you again my friend for your comment on this write.

[Terry]

This made me laugh a lot lol! This was definitely a mix of Clueless, Mean Girls, and Kardashians.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Terry for the kind review on this piece. This was fun to write in all honesty. I'm lousy at telling jokes and not good at comedy, but there were a couple of times I couldn't stop laughing, especially when T-Money shows up. I grew up with one of my best friends talking just like him. It was cringy than as it is now. It's funny that at age 55 to see that things have changed very little except maybe some of the slang used by the current generation. If this story were a tv show sadly I would probably watch it for its degrading humor alone. I can't stomach the Kardashians but if they were witches I probably would have watched that train wreck waiting to happen. Actually come to think of it they are witches lol. Thank you so much again for reading this ghoulish tale.