I Don't Care.

Twenty-five

Ali

The drive home from the hospital is agonizing, we're both silent, his knuckles are white as he grips the wheel. It's two days after it... happened, and we haven't spoken a word since the first day. We pull into the driveway and walk up to my apartment. I don't look at the kitchen floor, covered in dried blood. I go straight to my supply closet, get out a mop and a bucket and some bleach for afterward, and we clean the tiles in silence.

“We need to name him.” I say, my voice cracking and quiet. “He can't just be 'that baby'.”

“How about Benjamin?” He says, equally as quietly, coming toward me and hugging me close to him.

“Benjamin. It's perfect.” I say. “My baby boy Benjamin.” I'm interrupted by a sob that erupts from my throat. The kitchen still smells like bleach mixed with blood, I don't think it'll ever go away.

My friend and I had a conversation about a situation like this once when we were in high school.

“So, what do you do if your kid just died, or if it was stillborn?” She asked.

“I dunno, I never really thought about it.” I shrug, I never told her about my inability to get pregnant.

“Are you just like: So, our kid just died. Let's make out.”

I laughed at that. I laughed. I sink to the floor and put my head in my hands. I can't take this anymore, I just can't take it. Louis sits down near me, and I realize he's crying too, he wraps his arms around me and we rock back and forth like that until we don't have tears to cry anymore.

There's a knock on the door and Harry comes in, looking sad, beyond sad. It brings a fresh wave of tears to see the two goofiest people I've ever known sad. He spots us in our position on the floor and walks over and wraps his arms around the other side of me, and pats Lou's back at the same time.

I sit on the couch, just staring blankly at the TV, not comprehending what I'm watching. There's a knock on the door and I open it. Who I see jars me back to reality. My mother.

“Ali, don't you look... depressed.” She says, staring at the dark circles under my eyes.

“What are you doing here, mom?”

“Can't a mother see her baby?” I flinch at the word. I didn't get to. “Ooh! Somebody's gained weight, what have you been eating?”

“I WAS PREGNANT!” I lose it, screaming at her. “Was pregnant. BUT BECAUSE OF YOU MY BABY BOY DIED!” I slap her clean across the face, my vision blurred with tears, I wordlessly scream at her, sobbing all the while, while I punch her and kick her and slap her and call her every insult she ever called me. I see Louis open his door and then grab me pulling me off her.

“FAT B***H! S**T! W***E! GO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE!” I'm quoting her, her words engrained in my brain. Here, use this to help you throw up. She said when she found me with vomit all over my hand, handing me a toothbrush. I won't pack you lunch anymore, and smaller dinners. When she realized I was throwing my lunches away. You don't need condoms, you can't get pregnant anyway, have as much sex as you want, you little s**t. She said that when I walked out of my room in my first home coming dress for freshman year.

I stop struggling to get away from Louis and droop defeated. Mom scrambles to her feet and runs out of the apartment building. I start to try to wriggle free again to chase her.

“Love, stop.” Louis whispers holding me tight against him. I realize I've attracted quite the crowd, everyone has come out from their apartment to see what the screaming was about, but they retreat, knowing about the baby.

We lie on my bed, just laying there.

“You can leave if you want.” I say.

“I like staying the night, though.” He says.

“No, I mean you can actually leave. I know how much you wanted children, a boy particularly. And I know you weren't expecting the mess I am.” I say monotonously.

“Ali, I don't want to leave you. I love you.” He says. I move away from him robotically. “Well I don't love you.” I say. His face actually crumples, all the residue from any happiness he once had is washed away. But I don't care. I don't care about anything.

Louis is gone. His apartment is vacant, though Harry is still here.

Good.

I go to my medicine cabinet and take sleeping pill after sleeping pill, then lie down on my bed, cuddling my favorite stuffed animal from when I was younger.

I'll be found by the smell of my rotting flesh, in this very position.

Author's Note

sobbing endlessly over here.
Don't worry, the book's not over.

Reviews

[Amanda]

""Are you just like: So, our kid just died. Let's make out.”"
Okay, um this chapter started out good and I was like hmmm...i've heard that before, but then I kept on reading and I liked it less and less to be honest. You said this wasn't going to happen! Anyways, there were little grammar mistakes and such. Keep writing, I suppose.

[Sophie]

You were meant to not like it :P

[luv2dream]

i am so sad. i think like tears are about to fall from my eye

[Sophie]

:O

[♪The Girl Next Do..]

D: I.........D:

[Sophie]

don't worry, new chapter up within like five minutes

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Ok good. Will happy things happen? Or should I get my teddybear and hug it while I cry?

[Sophie]

mixed, so get it just in case :P

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Lol ok.

[Cole Hayley]

Woah, things just took a dark turn huh? I actually like how you added such a dark chapter in a one direction fan fiction. It came off really well to me, but maybe thats because I am a fan of darker stories. Good work!