Chapter 5: Lost

Chapter 5 of my story called "The Third Night".

5

 

I was about to lose all hope as tall apartment buildings and huge skyscrapers were coming into sight. I was just staring out of the window without moving. My face had turned numb. What am I going to do now?

 

My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a tap on my shoulder. I slowly turned my head and noticed a ticket collector, reaching for me with his long arms and holding his hand open as if it was a bowl. “Ticket please.” The sound of his masculine voice reached my ears.

 

I felt frozen. I wanted to move, I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t. A few moments of silence passed. A frown appeared on his forehead, which symbolized that he was irritated. His blue-grey eyes expressed impatience. “Sir, ticket please” he repeated, more earnest this time. “I.. I.. I do n-not have one.” I ultimately managed to stutter some words, which apparently were not really pleasing.

 

The ticket collector turned his back to me without uttering a single word, whispered something in the bus driver’s ear. I heard the sound of the engines gradually turning less loud as the bus was slowing down. Then, the seemingly old conductor returned to me, his index finger aimed at the door. “I’m sorry, young man, we’ll have to leave you here. Officially we should be giving you a fine for violating the rules, but we’ll let you off with just a warning. You appear too young to understand the rules.”

 

Too young. These words, too young. A tiny spark ignited and turned into a massive hunk of anger in my head. I wanted to release my anger on his face, yell at him, but I decided not to lose control of my emotions.

 

Filled with disdain, I stood up from my seat and left the bus without uttering a single word. Behind me I heard the door closing, the sound of the engines returned. I watched the bus driving off, eventually disappearing from my sight.

 

I scanned my environment: old couples going for a walk; young, happy parents going for a walk with their babies; youth dressed in black, wearing New York Yankees caps; male runners; I was surrounded by foreign people. I’d never seen such a place before. I’d always been used to the pleasant silence of my remote, nearly-ghost-town village.

 

My thoughts were interrupted by my rumbling stomach. Unfortunately I had no idea how I was supposed to get my hands on some food. I examined the pockets of my jeans; empty. My back pockets didn’t contain anything either. I felt a paper material in my coat pockets. I pulled the piece of paper out of my coat pocket with a swift hand motion: a $10 bill!

 

Suddenly all hope returned as soon as my eyes fell on the bill. I had to stop myself from performing a dance of joy. I better not started dancing, I wasn’t really a skilled dancer. It would be rather embarrassing. Not that it really mattered, though.

 

The sense of hunger hadn’t disappeared. Therefore, I decided to get myself some food. I looked around, searching for a grocery store, any place that sold food. My eyes fell on a small bakery at the corner of a road. It was only a small building in comparison to the buildings that surrounded it.

 

A wooden sign at the entrance door greeted me:

Welcome to Tod’s Bakery!

I gently pushed down the door handle. It was rusty and it didn’t want to give in to the force I was exerting on it. I strengthened my grasp. As the door handle finally bent down, I was able to open the door. The few people that were enjoying their unhealthy and greasy sandwiches either hadn’t heard me or were ignoring me. The man at the counter, presumably the owner or an employee, casted me a welcoming smile.

 

“What can I do for you, strange kid?” he said on an ostensibly insulting tone. I had the feeling he was joking, but the distance between us was too big to look into his eyes. His comment had left me frozen, nailed to the ground, anxiously waiting for him - or anybody - to do something. Everybody was frozen.

 

Then, as if someone pressed the ‘play’ button on his remote control, the man generated a friendly laughter and those present averted their eyes from me. “Just kidding, come on in.” How predictable, I thought. As I approached him I was able to study his body language better: blue eyes (although the blue color of his eyes seemed to be gradually fading and changing into grey), not exceptionally tall (although taller than I was), bald (except for the few greying hairs left on his head).

 

 “So, what can I do for you, young man?” I looked up at the menu, which barely consisted of some wooden planks nailed up to the walls with some text on it, written in crayon. “Some fresh bread, please. Whole grain.” I spoke with no hesitation. The man nodded and turned around, granting me a few moments to observe the rest of the building. The floor was covered by dark-brown wooden planks. The walls were made up of stone bricks, which didn’t really match the wooden style of the furniture.

 

The man returned to me with a loaf of bread, wrapped in plastic. I dropped the $10 bill on the counter as I had already expected the man to say how much it cost. He put away the money in one of his secret drawers or shelves which had been a mystery for me since the first I visited an actual shop with my mother. I had always been wondering what was behind the counter, what uncovered mysteries shopkeepers were hiding there. It probably was my overactive imagination on the loose again.   

 

“There you go, bon appetite” he said, offering me the change. I grabbed it and stuffed the coins in my coat pockets. “Thank you, sir.” I said, smiling friendly, finally able to say something relevant. My face had turned less red, as the penetrating eyes of those present had averted themselves. Without uttering a word I turned my back to the man and headed for the entrance door.

 

“My name is Tod.” I heard him saying, when I was about to exit the building. Why did he suddenly mention his name? Did he want something from me? Did he know I was lost in this unknown place?

 

“Where are your parents, if I’m allowed to ask?” The question I was hoping  to avoid had eventually reached my ears. The question unleashed a shot of panic in my head. I didn’t want him involved in this, he might call the police and,  if he did, they would bring me back home. For some reason I felt no need to go home, I actually enjoyed the freedom, free from house rules and grown-ups telling me what to do - even though I was completely helpless in this place. Besides that, I wasn’t brave enough to look my parents into the eyes again " I’d left the house without their permission. I would get grounded for the upcoming months most likely.

 

No time for thinking, I had to come up with a plan - really quickly. After a long silence I ultimately managed to think of something relevant. “My parents are at home, they asked me to fetch some bread at the local bakery.” Reasonable, I thought. I kept my back turned to him to hide my scarlet cheeks. They were scarlet of panic, nervousness.

 

Another long, drawn out silence. Seconds ticking by. Sweat flooding my forehead. It seemed like I had been standing there in the doorway for hours, even though barely a few minutes had passed.

 

“Shall I accompany you on your way home?” There was my chance to end the conversation. “No, I’ll make it on my own.” Before he was able to go on talking, I passed through the doorway and rapidly closed the door behind me. The hot midday sun shone upon my blank skin once again. “Phew”, I whispered to myself, wiping the drops of sweat from my forehead.

Author's Note

It took me some time, but here it is. This chapter's a tad longer than the other ones.
Have you ever felt like Alex did in this chapter? What would you do in a situation like his?

Reviews

[Lavorther]

Great chapter, as usual. I'm not sure how much longer you plan on continuing this part of the story, but I feel like you should return to the book soon, because that's the main plot of the story. Those little side-stories are fun, but you need to take care not to make them too long.

I noticed there were several sentences that sounded a bit unnatural or just didn't flow that well. Which is understandable, since English is not your first language. Here's what I noticed while reading:

"A frown started appearing at his forehead, indicating he didn’t have all day."
I think it should be "on his forehead", instead of "at".

"Then the seemingly old conductor returned to me, pointing his forefinger at the door."
"Forefinger" seems to be a bit over-descriptive, and I would change it to just "pointing at the door". When I picture this, I automatically see the man pointing with his index finger. That's what you normally use to point at something, after all ;)

"behind me I heard the doors closing, the sound of the engines returned."
You forgot to use a capital B at the start of the sentence.

"The sense of hunger hadn’t disappeared. Additionally, I decided to get myself some food."
"Additionally" feels a bit out of place here, since it means something like "on top of that", which doesn't fit with the hunger you described in the previous sentence. An example for the correct use would be: "My hunger hadn't disappeared. Additionally, I felt really tired." These things are both feelings, so "Additionally" fits here. Hope that made sense :)

"I strengthened my grasp and eventually it bent down, granting me the access to open the door."
Here you say two different things: "granting access" and "open the door". These are two different things, and I would only use one of them.
You could say "granting me access to the bakery", or "allowing me to open the door".

"The man at the counter, presumably the owner or an employee, casted a friendly smile on his face as soon as he noticed me."
"I just stood there in the doorway, casting no emotion on my face, ..."
Here you use "casting" to describe showing an emotion, while (as far as I know) it should be used like: "he casted me a smile".

"Besides that, I wasn’t brave enough to look my parents into the eyes again " I’d left the house without their permission."
"No time for thinking, I had to come up with a plan " really quickly."
Once again, the site seems to have replaced your dashes with quotes. You should make it a habit to check for that before you hit submit, as this seems to happen regularly.


I know that's quite a lot, but those are all really minor things. You'll get better at it with experience, something they can't teach you at school. That's something you've got to build up over time.

[Mister T.]

Thank you for your invaluable feedback, Lavorther, I really, really appreciate it :)
Now that you point out all these errors, I realize the mistakes I've made. I often have a hard time thinking of at least one good sentence, instead of choosing between a variety of sentences and assess which one is the best. I guess I just have to read more ;)
I'll take a look at my mistakes and take care of them. And, if you were wondering, I was about to get back to the book, but that will be included in chapter 6 , so you'll have to wait ;)
Again, I'm very grateful for your extensive review and for the fact that you take out some of your precious time to review my writing :)

[Lavorther]

You're welcome. I really enjoy your writing, as well as seeing you improve over time. I always feel a bit guilty when posting so much suggestions, but I'm glad you appreciate it.

Great, I was worried this might develop in a new story in its own, spanning a lot chapters. But if you're returning to the main plot in the next chapter, then that's perfect.

[Zyle Christian William ..]

For a second it felt like tod was hitting on Alex until I remembered Alex was a child and told was probably being your friendly neighborhood responsible adult. I've never felt this way personally because when I ran away from home I had a plan! Haha I like where this is going!!

[Mister T.]

Haha, glad you enjoyed it :)
Some questions: have you spotted any errors while reading? Do you think I can improve this chapter in any way?

[Zyle Christian William Cook]

No error at first glance and I will be able to give you as vice on improving this chapter once I know the whole story it would be foolish of me to attempt to otherwise! Haha

[Mary Helda]

Hey
great story you have here,well i once got my self in a similar situation but its alittle different here...you pay with real cash as opposed to buying a ticket...i dndnt have money so i had to gather courage and ask my neighbour for money..to make it worse,it was a guy.i was so embarrased and i was really shaking...esp bcoz i am not used to asking for money from people..he did help though....so your story is amazing but i noticed afew errors,thought i could point them out to you...
V5...you said "i tiny spark" instead of "a tiny spark"

V9..."i better not started" instead of "i better not start"
V10..."where i could by food"..you missed "u" between b and y
V11..this is a suggestion..i think it cud sound better if you said "bent down,granting me access into the room" or somethinh like that,but then again it could slightly change the meaning and you are the writer here.....and that other sentence "a wooden sign at the entrance welcomed me"...what if you said "greeted me" instead...i dont knw..its just a suggestion
plus the last line where you describe the removing of sweat,i dnt think it sounds right,,what if you said "cleaning" or "wiping"....
well sweetie,i am simply suggesting and i could be wrong..but i loved your story and enjoyed every minute of it...

[Mister T.]

Thank you for your review in the first place :)
Ah, I see, I'll correct these mistakes. I often make mistakes because I tend to rewrite sentences a lot to make them sound better and additionally I forget some letters or even words here and there. Thank you for pointing them out :)
Your suggestions are definitely welcome, I really appreciate them. Glad you enjoyed it :)

[Mary Helda]

you are welcome:-)