Dear Ryan,

Dear Ryan,

A Chapter by MCrouch

Ugh, sorry this is so short.


Dear Ryan,

How did this happen?


            I stopped writing and looked down at the page for a moment. This was my 21st letter. I threw the pencil down and shoved the notebook onto the floor, burying my head in my hands. Tonight was worse than others. Some days, I just accepted my life for what it had become: a vast, hopeless abyss of obsession and depression. Other days, I was too painfully aware of how pathetic I had become, too painfully aware of everything- my friends drifting further and further away, my dad in general, Collin acting weird all the time, and Ryan…

            Ryan Lane. I slowly rose from my bed like a ghost, and picked up the notebook and pencil I had thrown down, sighing. I tossed them onto my bed, covering the notebook with my pillow. Everything about Ryan Lane was so far beyond what I ever thought I could want in a person. I knew that if I thought about it for too long, the burning, aching emptiness inside of me where I knew he should be would swallow me whole. I wanted him more than anything else I could ever think of in my entire life- even more than when I was seven years old, and all I wanted for Christmas (and for the rest of my life at that point) was some fancy Hollywood Barbie doll, and my dad wouldn’t let me have it, which only made me want it more, and proceeded to smack me across the face on Christmas eve for crying because my parents hadn’t bought it for me. My mom eventually did buy me the doll, and shortly after, my parents got a divorce. I knew it wasn’t about the doll, but it was easier to think of it that way when I knew the truth put me at fault. Too bad my mom can’t go to Target and buy me Ryan’s affection, I thought, sighing to myself. Too pathetic for my own good…

I dragged myself downstairs quietly. When I got to the kitchen, I opened the refrigerator and took out the cheese and bread. I gently set them down on the dirty counter and took two pieces of bread. School tomorrow, I thought, I’ll see him in the cafeteria before school, between 4th and 5th period, and walk past his locker on my way out, I took the pieces of bread from the toaster and spread butter on them, and pressed the cheese between them.  Shut up, stop thinking about it, stop it, I took a bite and looked around the dirty kitchen. My father is a waste of space on this earth. Don’t think too loud, he’ll smack you. I rolled my eyes at myself. Don’t let him see that you’re eating cheese and bread, he’ll call you a f*g. Don’t let him make contact with you at all, he’ll call you a f*g, I started walking back upstairs to my bedroom.

            I had a text from Collin when I sat down on my bed and checked my phone. It read: “You want to hang out with me and Annie tomorrow?” I took the last bite of my sandwich and typed back, “Who is this?” chuckling inwardly, and pulled the notebook and pencil back out.  My phone buzzed again. This time, Collin sent:

“This is Tony Aisely. Who are you?” The corners of my mouth turned up slightly.

“This is Brad Pitt. Sure, I’ll hang out with you tomorrow.” I typed quickly. I opened the notebook back up to the page I’d started on and took a deep breath.


Dear Ryan,

How did this happen? I want you so much, sometimes I feel like I’m just going to fall apart. Why would you want me? I don’t even want me. I just want you. That’s all.



© 2011 MCrouch

My Review

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Sorry--computer crashed in the middle of my review. I'm back. On a technical side, this writing was really skilled. Sparse phrasing with a smooth flow, and the way its told--with the beatings and divorce and all--the simplistic, casual flow of those few words, each one speaking an entire book in itself--that adds a similitude, a veracity, to this account; it's as if the reader just happens to be catching a glimpse into this young man's real life, or if he's talking to him face to face over a mug of hot chocolate. It's not set up, framed and doctored up for a grand presentation in some Russian novel, in other words. That in itself is great work: the ability to tell a lifetime's pain and struggles in a few simple phrases, and leave the reader in awe and wonder, grasping for more the way a drowning swimmer claws his way up for air. That's some sweet penmanship :)

Posted 12 Years Ago

I read this all with a lump in my throat and nearly had tears. I remember well a friend of mine up north who was gay; he knew it at a very early age--and I remember all the abuse he took for it, from his dad and his mom (and that said nothing about what he suffered at school. He once told me the only reason he was willing to hang out with me was I was the only human being on earth that wouldn't beat him.) I still remember the terror he had to live in, every day.
I'm not gay myself, but this work could be--no, should be--studied, particularly by parents. It's amazing how many "straight, decent people" out there can make fun of homosexuals (and gaybashing, for the bloodthirsty ones) and they don't realize the pain and horror that gay people suffer on a daily basis, all on account of an issue that mostly tears them apart at the core. They walk in fear from sunup to sundown, and then come the nightmares.
Ya know, if you're straight, and someone has a different sexual orientation than you; that doesn't give you the right to treat them worse than a dog. Too many people miss that, I think.

Posted 12 Years Ago

This was adorable. I reminds me very strongly of a YA gay-conscience novel I read once. Yours is definitely on the same level. The only problem I had with it was a lot of information in the first chapter, there is a lot going on initially without even going into the dad AND the barbie doll AND the divorce, its a lot to take and to be so casual about so early on. My advice, take on one issue at a time and don't be afraid to drop hints of things that will be revealed later on. save some goodies for later.

besides that, if I hadn't known this was a gay-centric story, I wouldn't have guessed the main character was male until much later on in the chapter. Your narrator seems very androgynous, which is not the same thing as being gay (in my opinion, sorry).

great chapter! definitely want to read more!

Posted 12 Years Ago

Holy s**t. I'm having a hard time comprehending what I just read because, I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little intoxicated, but what you have here is fantastic. I feel like everything I learned at the beginning of this story was thrown out the door when the end came. Like, wow. I'm kinda reeling from this because it took my emotions for a ride and then threw them off the top of The Batman.

We didn't know this was a dude at the beginning, least that's not what I thought, then I had my assumptions come the sammich part, and now... wow, phenomenal, simply awesome. I'm being dead serious. Seriously. I'm gonna read it again. Keep being awesome.

Posted 12 Years Ago

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4 Reviews
Added on September 8, 2011
Last Updated on September 11, 2011
Tags: depression, love, gay, letters, obsession




Hey there. My name is Madison. I love writing realistic fiction, mostly LGBT related. If you have any questions about my writing or anything, message me. c: more..

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