Understand

Another breadcrumb in a long line. I wonder if anyone is following them. I wonder if I can trust my own mind.

That what I have been doing lately is exploring the possibilities of my own mind. Getting back some things I lost when I lost your trust.

 

Understand

 

That I never wanted you to be anything you were not. I would never confine you to some awkward box.

 

Understand

 

That if I never told you how much I wanted you that I feared stealing your freedom.

 

Understand

 

That if you have found happiness I am happy for you. Even if that means there is no room in your current life for me.

 

Understand

 

That before I met you I had no purpose and my life had no meaning. I will never EVER forget that I found that with you.

 

Understand

 

That anyone who loves you is automatically my friend for hanging a smile on you when I no longer can.

 

Understand

 

That for the last eight years I have missed you every single day. Even when I was desperate to convince myself I didn't.

 

Understand

 

That you were the one to give me back my lost childhood. You taught me it was okay to color outside the lines.

 

Understand

 

That I would have preferred a lifetime of torture to hurting you even once.

 

I miss you

I love you

 

Please understand

 

Yeah I still need to hear your voice again. Even if you can never forgive me my sins. Even if it is only another wrenching goodbye. I still need more closure than the lies we left things on. They still echo, and echo. Ad Infinitum.

 

Understand

 

That I never moved on, and after eight years… I doubt that I can. Not in this silence and cold. I'm trying, god knows!

 

Understand

 

I can't forget the curve of your jaw, or the hue of your eyes and that I'm poisoned every day by the line "Better you than me." Then and now, I agree completely.

Author's Note

This isn't a piece I mean to publish. Just a message for a lost friend.