love and hate

I have spent over two years growing this hatred that festers within my soul. The anger created by someone I have loved greater than family and friends, a bond I believed would take us to the grave hand in hand. Two years have gone and I still find myself in my room, the lights are off, the TV is blaring, and my bed with the same empty feeling. I’ve loved again after you left my life, but the relationship collapsed under the rage I couldn’t subdue.

I still find myself reliving the day I kicked you out, sometimes adding in certain things I wish I did during the recollection. This rage feels new, as if you just destroyed me today. As if that part of history is on perpetual replay, I find myself as angry with you now as I did back then. We’ve tried to talk, hang out, move passed it, and all that happens is I go back to heavy drinking followed by grotesque messages sent to you in the middle of the night.

With all the hate, how the f**k is it I still miss you? How can I sit in this room wishing I can sniff your skin, taste your lips, and hear you breathe? How can I miss the love we’ve made, both physical and emotion, both literal and metaphorical? I want to comfort you with the same hand I want to strangle you with. I want to kiss the face I desire to spit onto. I want to love you the same exact way I love to hate you.

This I why I hate so deep, and it scares me. The hate I’ve carried for two years is a double-edged sword I swing relentlessly. The reason I hate you so deeply is because I despise myself for still loving you. I still love you after your lying, your cheating, your taunting, and your verbal abuse. Withdrawal symptoms appear when I want to text you, and I have to stop myself from doing so. You have become someone I will never rid myself of. I will never forget you.

This is the exact opposite action I want. I want to stop hating you; I want to stop being so angry. Drinking spiraled out of control, and it took me two years to calm it down. For every beer I drank, every shot I took, all I could think of was, “is she ok? Is she managing? Do I wish her the best?” Part of me says no, and the other yes. I want this pain to go away, and the longer I’m angry with you the longer this pain stays. But there’s no cure for this, just time; time will help us through this together. It will be the last thing we do together, and that hurts just as much as it comforts me.

Reviews

[Kare]

I related to some not all of the rage expressed in your writing. Good job!
Karen L. Greiner June 2, 2023