A Story by mercystateofmind

When I was 15 turning 16 I was introduced to a girl named Tiffany who would become, in her own way, my high school sweetheart. Our first convo lasted till 4 in the morning, and most of our convos there after lasted for hours at a time as well. We would find excuses to call each other earlier, and reasons we couldn’t leave till after. Our trials and tribulations left mental scars that I hope we can overcome, and our perseverance is something that should be a constant reminder to our perpetual love. 

My teenage years was a mixture or gang life, a troubled home, and toxic relationships that Tiffany would have to put up with to keep me afloat. My girlfriend at the time couldn’t care less if I was gunned down, but tiffany fought to know my whereabouts and status. She had no shame in finding friends, contacting my gf, or leaving me messages to let me know I had to let her know I was ok. Any time I would leave the house, I had to let her know I loved her. Even though at the time we established it was just as friends, even though we both knew it was a lie. My first time admitting my love to her was due to the possibility I wasn’t going to be coming home anymore. She told me she loved me earlier that day as more than just friends. But I managed to misread that, built up my walls, and told her I loved her as just a friend, so I didn’t look stupid. That night my friend and I had to take care of a few issues, and we made peace with what could happen. I told her before I left, “I lied before. I love you more than just a friend. I always have. I got to go.” This was during AIM and I left my away message up. Refusing to not let me know she loves me too, she contacted my gf at the time asking where I was. When my gf asked who she was to ask, tiffany simply replied, “the one who cares obviously.” 

When I was arrested, she checked on me daily to make sure I was ok leading up to my court date. My gf at the time wouldn’t even talk to me, even though she knew what I was involved in. Tiffany never stopped caring, it’s a quality that has grown significantly with time. When we were finally single at the same time we took advantage, at this point we were 17. Unfortunately, she would meet someone and stop talking to me for some time, only coming back for periods at a time before leaving me again. This was a dark age between us. She was with someone who refused to let her talk to me, and the way she left she just blocked me on all communication with no warning.

I didn’t hear from her until I was in my freshman year of college, I still remember her text after I spoke. She called, I picked up, and she hung up the minute I spoke. “when I heard your voice, my heart dropped.” Of course, mine did the same. 4 days later, she disappeared again. This went on for 3 ½ years, and I entertained it every time because I just wanted her back in my life. In the summer of 2010 she finally came back and stayed, but I couldn’t get passed the years she kept leaving. For the first 2 months she cried at least once a week because I kept angrily bringing this up, but she put up with it because she wanted to stay in my life. Of course, this wasn’t healthy, after 2 months I started to realize what I was doing, and I did everything to stop it. She knows what she did, why am I doing this? Why does she need a constant reminder of her actions? She was trying to make it right, but I wouldn’t allow it. 

One month after all this she disappeared, and she was back but with a boyfriend. This time I respected it, we both respected it. I ended up with a girlfriend who ended up being the most destructive woman I’ve ever dated. But tiffany was back in my life, and that’s all I cared about. It wouldn’t be till 2015 that she started to try and do more with me due to the status her relationship was in. I was with someone else at this point, and she didn’t respect that at all. I didn’t care, I left my gf, and I chose tiffany. However, after we spent that time together, she went back to her boyfriend. I asked her for space, and she couldn’t handle that. She would leave me, but she has never had me go away from her. She told me when I came back she would be there waiting for me, but when I came back a month and a half later she was with him. 

This was the next dark period in our relationship, she wouldn’t answer my phone calls, but I always answered hers. She would make comments if I missed a call, “I’m not used to you not answering.” But she would barely answer my calls. However, if I was on a date, telling her I was about to talk to someone, going to go out and find someone, that’s when I would get the call. That’s when she would seek my attention and get upset if I didn’t provide it. She would speak to me of our love, what she wished we could do, and then disappear. We were back to this stage. I told her in April 2016 (it could’ve been march actually) that I’m done being this option. That if she’s with him, then be with him, I’m not going to continue to be the fall guy. She refused to take responsibility for this, which was the biggest issue the first time she came back for good. I told her to never contact me again. We didn’t talk till November of 2017. Where she was still with her bf but still wanted to see me because she missed me. She told me the next time we would talk would be it and she would be single.

 I contacted her in March 2018, drunk, asking if she blocked me again on social media because I couldn’t find her. She sent me her info to find her, assuring me she didn’t block me. I didn’t talk to her again for 2 weeks, and she let me know how fucked up that was, she didn’t deserve that, and to not do that again. Without meaning to, I did to her what she’s done to me in the past. For a split second I felt joy knowing she finally knew what it felt like, and maybe now she would give a sincere apology. But honestly, I felt horrible after this happened as well. I don’t want an eye for an eye, I wanted her back in my life, but I didn’t know how to handle it. We sparingly talked until she came in April of 2018. I agreed to meet her family for the first time, and the moment I saw her I couldn’t stay mad anymore. The minute our eyes locked, I had 14 years of memories rush back, and all I could see was the woman I love. 

Of course, I’m telling you my side. it’s going to only show her short comings. But no, I have made mistakes as well. A lot of them. And at that moment none of that mattered for either side. I have loved deeply before, I have had relationships where I thought they were the one. None of those relationships could compare to that moment that lasted minutes. We agreed to make it work and have been together since May 15, 2018. At this moment she must put up with my insecurities, my friends doubting her, her own insecurities, and my family being standoffish. She has given me the apology I’ve wanted since we were younger, telling me she would put up with what she’s caused because she sees me as worth it. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t get rough. I’ve asked her constantly if she was doing anything behind my back, going to leave, if she’s bored, if she still wants this. I have made her feel bad for going out with friends, having a life in general, and she still is with me. 

What can I say to someone willing to make it work this much? Who must put up with her past mistakes day in and day out? Who keeps trying to make sure I’m happy and letting me know that I’m the one for her. I have been trying to really figure this one out, because even though the insecurities are justified they don’t define our relationship. Well if I could tell her anything, it would be how incredibly happy I am I have decided to give this a try. I would tell her that I’ve thought about her since we were teenagers, and that’s only grown as the years passed by. I would tell her that even during our dark periods, all I did was dream and think of her. I would tell her that I have never been more motivated, inspired, or confident before. The last sentence is huge for me, considering I have always had issues with all three and I’m finally able to conquer then since I don’t have to go through this alone. 

I would also tell her I’m sorry. I’m sorry I have been reminding you of the mistakes you aren’t proud of. I’m sorry that I’ve made you cry so much when you already have cried so much for the damage done. I’m sorry I project my issues on to you when you already have so much to deal with. I’m sorry people in my life feel the need to give opinions on what you’ve done and can’t be happy we are finally able to give something we’ve wanted for so long a shot. I would say sorry for hurting you for all times that I have, and I hope you can forgive me. And that I love you. Sincerely. Completely. Openly. I whole heartedly love you. I’m as vulnerable as I have ever been with you, and I have never been so happy.

 I love you tiffany.

© 2018 mercystateofmind

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Added on September 30, 2018
Last Updated on September 30, 2018



North Bergen, NJ

just need somewhere to let it all out. more..