Alone

The longer I'm in a relationship the more I learn I might not be cut out for this. I have a million and one insecurities, I cannot calm my mind for anything, and all I do is stress my partner out. Bad enough my partner has hurt me themselves, but add that to my paranoia and its chaos.

I cant trust them being friends with people they've had a past with. I've been there, and that's happened is I've been cheated on. I've trusted just friends chatter and been played out.

I have years of trauma I have not worked on. I have decades of damage I've never figured out. Now I'm with someone who I want to marry, and i cant get passed things many other relationships dont see as an issue.

This might not last, and I need to be ok with that. We gave it a genuine shot, but I'm not normal. Even if their view on what I have is me still normal, I'm not. I'll never be ok with these things until I move on from past pains. I cant move on from past pains while still living in current ones.

This might need to end. So they can find someone who can look past the usual, and I can learn to do the same. Because at this point, we cant even stay in the same room without tension. We can't have a convo without constant exhaustion. We cant talk without a million disclaimers. And we cant fight without cheap jabs and back handed comments.

If I end this. I need to remember it's for the better. It's better to learn to heal and forgive, than to push through the days constantly fighting. This isnt how love is supposed to be. This isnt a healthy relationship. And it's ok if it wasnt meant to be.

At least I dont have the what ifs to live with. I dont have to say I never tried, or that i gave up. I did everything from therapy, to journals, to changing lifelong habits. And they tried the absolute same amount. But I'm not gonna be ok with things they are. Not anytime soon. And all we're gonna do is hate each other eventually. I rather leave on a high note than to end at rock bottom. I'm ok with this. I will live. We will live