The Drive - Snippet

Nothing can go on forever. Even electric cars have their limits.

We had to stop about halfway there. The edge of the residential zone was maybe two more miles out, we were really close to leaving the city. I’ve never really had any reason to send robots out this far, usually the few crimes that took place were in the more densely populated areas. And needless to say, I didn't particular enjoy being this far away from any decent form of civilization. We were going to be off the map, figuratively and literally. I started downloading GPS pictures of the road ahead to not get lost.

Two hours on the road. An entire two hours. And we were only halfway there, the whole trip would take around four. And then another four back, so about eight hours. I looked at Abia, who was vigilantly watching the passenger window as if he wanted to suck up everything he could and imprint it into his memory. Or maybe he was just powered down? Could biological humans power down?

I turned back to the road to catch a little flashlight battery symbol. The car wouldn't make it, we had to recharge. I decided not to bother asking Abia, and instead directed the car towards the nearest charging station. After all, that's what robots were for, right? To do the boring stuff without bothering people about it. I looked at the boy, his face pressed against the glass. It wasn't particularly fair, but I kind of understood the logic in the system. Humans were weaker, and you can't make a thousand per day in a factory.

The car bounced a slight bit as it drove up a bump in the asphalt, and I manually directed it to one of the recharge stations. There were six, surrounded by a peaceful parking lot type of area, and a small store off to one side.

I got out, and walked up the the booth-like station. I grabbed the transfer nozzle, and stuck it into the battery recharge opening in the car, pressing several buttons and waited for the familiar hum of electricity racing through the wires to sound.

The problem was that it didn't.

I tapped the area where the computer system should have been. Was it broken? I doubted that, the casing looked a bit old but otherwise in good condition. Yet it obstinately refused to charge, so something had to be wrong. I glanced at the monitor, built into the station’s hulk. Two words flashed across the screen, Service Denied.

“Hey!” A man practically fell out from the store’s entrance, jogging towards me and waving his arms in a threatening way. “What do you think you're doing?”

I looked at the monitor, then at the man. I was just trying to charge a car, was that wrong? There are robots charging cars all the time in the city. Was he a lunatic?

“Don't you know that… wait.” He stopped, his eyes growing wide. He glanced at my body again, then covered his face with one hand. “Oh god, a police.”

“I’m sorry, did I do something wrong?” I ask. He would surely know why the recharge station decided it wouldn't work today. Maybe he would help too, that would be nice.

The man stood straighter, his intricate metal plates tightening against themselves. “Trying to steal electricity, are we?”

“My apologies, I didn't know,” I said, clueless as to how I was stealing anything.

“Don't f*****g sweet talk me!” He kicked my leg with his, promptly losing balance himself and falling over onto the asphalt.

I quickly grabbed his hand before he could hit the ground. “Sir, maybe we should-”

“Shut up!” He quickly popped up, grabbing my chest and pushing me against the car. “Do you know when this shows up?” He pointed his metal finger at the monitor, which was still flashing ‘Service Denied’.

“No, I don't.”

“When someone wants electricity without paying for it first! That's when!”

“Sir, I can assure you that I wasn't -”

“Don't try to sweet talk me!” He pushed me against the car one last time before backing away. “And a police too, I’m going to report you! You’ll be taken apart, melted into thumbtacks! Do you understand?”

Abia rolled down the window, sticking his head between me and the owner, and it quickly became the man’s turn to be surprised.

The owner must have never seen a biological human in his life, because how could he? A pet lion could've hopped out that window for the effect it had on the man. He stood, his pistons visibly tense as if waiting for Abia to break out the window and attack him with a hammer or something. I smiled, kind of sympathetic of the man.

“Is there a problem?” Abia asked in an almost bored gesture. The man looked at me, then at the kid, and finally back at me. I could only imagine what was going through his mind at that point.

“No. I mean, yes. I mean, there is a problem, I just thought that, erh,” he mumbled, probably forgetting what he was so angry about before. “Your robot was trying to steal power,” he decided finally.

“I don't think he would do that,” Abia glanced at me, trying to suppress a smile. “We aren't from around here, so he might not be familiar with, eh, protocol as to refueling.”

“I understand,” the man said, inching behind one of the charging booths.

“Could you refuel the car and give him an update?”

“Of course,” the man decided, obviously not really wanting to do either. Abia graced him with another half smile before rolling up the window and disappearing behind its blackened glass.

The man looked at me, kind of unsurely, then glanced at the window where Abia sat. His outline was barely visible behind the dark glass. “Is that thing real?”

“As real as it gets,” I replied.

“And you're from animal control?”

“Police bots don't work for animal control. I’m just… escorting.” I shrug, and the man nods with understanding. He grabs the nozzle of the charging stations and waves it at me. “I usually don't give my services to the police, nor to any other infernal bots if they aren't accompanied by a half-decent human being.”

“I understand sir. However, I-”

“Shut up. Debit or credit card?”

Author's Note

Anything, really. If you stopped reading, please tell me where so I can fix it.

Reviews

[Bear]

Critique: (I got out, and walked up the the booth-like station) to the?
(I glanced at the monitor, built into the station’s hulk) hulk? Not sure what you mean here.
(“Oh god, a police.”) police what?

Review: I find this intriguing, the interplay between character has nice flow and very engaging and I love the humorous ending. Well done Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!

[Meeks]

Hulk as in, oh wait. Google defines it as a derelict ship. Wierd, I was using that word for a while now, I thought it just meant something like 'shell' or 'covering' usually for machinery.

Thanks for finding these things! Really useful critique, and insight. Thanks for helping me out!

[Sean Reigner]

This is good, Though, confused where the A.I. is lurking? Is it in a physical robot? must be.
same as the robot in the other chapter where the human Abia is taken to that apartment?
if not, be a great prologue to it!

[annalysiar]

The third to the last paragraph: unsurely, I think the sentence structure would go better without kind of, the hesitated thought perhaps change it to unsure for the flow. I don't know. And the first paragraph, particular I think is the word, should also be corrected for structure.
I like this story and the characters. I especially like the owner of the store. Just had to wonder: is he a man, an android, or did he just have metal parts?? And I'm with bear for the rest. Great write all in all

[TWIZTED]

Love the originality. Great concept and very good story overall. I like it alot. TY for sharing..

[Kaliope]

Fascinating world you created, no doubt.

The first two paragraphs, however, need a bit more spark. It took me actually several tries to get past them, they are far too vague. From the third paragraph on it's fine, but ideally your first sentence should be an irresistible hook, at least the first paragraph should intriguing enough to give your reader no other choice than to read on.

It's also a bit counter-intuitive that man/robot (he was an artificial life form too, right?) at the recharge station would think a police robot would steal electricity, so if there's a story behind that prejudice - perhaps give the reader a glimpse at that.

Nevertheless, it's very imaginative and the idea's intriguing.

[Meeks]

I don't really think it's the vagueness but simply a more concentrated pacing problem, so I'm actually curious as to how you would solve this problem. You know, the more solutions, the more likely one of them will work...

I would think that in a future where robots behave like human beings, there would be an almost 'racial' prejudice against them (which I would probably support myself). So, robots would be 'stupid, morally-blind, soulless, short-sighted, criminal, animalistic, etc.' Like when Europeans met a native tribe, they would feel superior.

And no, the man isn't supported naturally. More like a cyborg, though I haven't completely ironed the details. Good catch though, I wasn't really focusing on that here.

Thanks for reviewing, and for the useful critique. Hope you reply!

[Kaliope]

Ah, yes, since the man was a cyborg his prejudice against robots makes a lot more sense. If you'd clarified that at his core he was still human, I guess it would eliminate all confusion.

Regarding the beginning... well, take for example the first sentence: "We had to stop about halfway there" - Initially I don't know who "we" is, I don't know where "there" is, so "halfway" has absolutely no meaning to me either. I'm learning a bit about a city in the next few sentences, but not enough to get a feeling for the setting. Furthermore I don't actually learn they're in a car up until the third paragraph. I think you could pretty much start with the flashing battery symbol and then - perhaps - have the narrator reflect on his unease about leaving the city and weave in a bit of background about crime, if necessary. By the way, why are they leaving the city and where are they going? You don't have to explain in detail, it would suffice to say - for example - that they're hunting down a criminal in the countryside, it would establish that they are part of law enforcement and would justify their trip. Just one of many possibilities though :-)

[Meeks]

Interesting. Vagueness probably is a big part of the problem but then again. The one person who regularly reads my stories still had problems with the beginning, even though he/she pretty much already knows the characters and what the world looks like.
Still, I think you do have a point; I'll have to keep this in mind while writing. Knowing myself, I'll probably be too specific from know on and screw up the other way...

Thanks for helping me out! I appreciate it, and if you ever need something... that doesn't require me getting up from my chair... send a message.

[Archos]

I don't see anything particularly wrong with it, but it seems like you gave up on the 'robot-like' writing style. And that's what made this story special for me. Now, just as it is, if I hadn't read the previous ones, this wouldn't really interest me. It's not bad, as I said, I liked the dialogue between the robot and the petrol station owner, it's not dry or anything. I just think that you shouldn't abandon that 'artificial' writing for this story.

[Zoli Fern]

Yay!
It took me a little bit to get into this piece (maybe think about condensing the first two paragraphs into one) but as soon as I got into the flashlight/battery symbol, I was hooked.

I'm curious to know more about the world that they live in. Not necessarily in this story, as I think too much description would slow it down, but through more of your stories.

My only big critique is that if you have dialogue, and then description, and then dialogue from another person, then the other person's dialogue gets it's own paragraph. This is mostly important in your last couple paragraphs. As it reads now, the robot is the one who says the last line "Shut up. Debit or credit card?" which caught me up until I realized that it was the station man who said it.

A couple things to think about: would there be debit/credit cards in the world you've created? How about referring to the station person as a man, since he seems to be a robot?

Great job, though!

[Meeks]

Hmm, other people were telling me I need to amp up descrpitions. I think what we're all looking for is description by movement, which is where you said it picks up. I'll keep that in mind while writing.

Wierd. I used to give that advice to separate speakers, but I thought I was just shortening. Admitted, I haven't seen it in decent books before, and this might not be the best example, but whenever I have a short piece of speech I don't want to make a separate paragraph, I just lump it onto the back and give reference before it.
What I did might be a stretch, and I certainly will fix it, but you should be able to do that.

I have done a bit of worldbuilding, and I'm confident I have it mostly down. The credit cards might be iffy, but they probably should stay for simplicity's sake. As for robotic men, the story takes place in an alternate future where human brains are transferred into robots, effectively creating what can be called as cyborgs (based on actual prediction called transhumanism).

Thanks for helping me out! I appreciate it.

[Rafy T.Nym]

In my opinion, the theme you chose for the story is actually a good one. Your dialogues support the theme perfectly, there are slight humour sometimes creating good contrast. The begining, middle parts, the ending everything is thoughtfully constructed.

" Abia graced him with another half smile before rolling up the window and disappearing behind its blackened glass"- I could visualize the cold(or warm?) smile while reading, this line is amazing, may be for the characterization.

I think you should create more connection between the character and atmosphere to make the story lively, like what the robot saw outside while driving, how the station looked like, if there was a metallic sound when the robot got hit. Adding a little bit description might make the story more beautiful.

[Meeks]

Thanks for the tips. I usually shy away from descriptions, partly because I don't want them to be in the way or to block the flow, but I admit that the story is lacking distant background. I'll try to fix that. Do you have any tips on how to implement descriptions into story?

Hmm, now that you quote the line do I see the errors in it. Anyway, thanks for helping me out. I appreciate the review!

[Rafy T.Nym]

Meeks, I remember reading your story 'Little red riding hood' and the story has great description. You can just add that kind of description here if you wish,but a more sci-fi version.

[Blackheart]

This was different. Something to ponder about. Liked the theme and imagery you used here. The conversations between the characters has a nice flow as well. The humorous elements were exciting. Loved them too. :)

[Meeks]

Thanks for helping me out. This is the first time I'm consciously adding humor, so I really appreciate the insight. Thanks again.

Also, I notice I haven't read anything of yours in a while. Are you still writing or just forgoeing read requests?

[Blackheart]

Well, you're always welcome mate.

And yes, I have been writing but I haven't sent any read request to you till date. :P
You can check out my profile and read everything there, if you want. :)