Robert Knutzen Finds a Dollar

Robert Knutzen Finds a Dollar

A Story by Mike Espinosa

This just in: Two weeks ago, local student, Robert Knutzen found a dollar outside of the Holman Library.

When asked about his find, Knutzen said, “It’s absolutely amazing! I can buy four whole cigarettes with this!”

Robert’s excitement didn’t stop there. Upon arriving at his house, Knutzen went onto his MySpace account and left a blog that shook the Green River Community College campus at its core.

According to his blog: “OMGOMGOMG! You guyz will neva guess what happened to me today! Did you guess? Well, your wrong. I found a DOLLAR! Did you guyz find a dollar?! I THINK NOT, SIR! This means that I am better than YOU by about an infinity percentage rate. According to the transitive property of a*s-kickery, I am the Lord Jesus Christ.”

The blog was met with some encouragement. “After reading Bob’s blog, I was inspired to go outside and try to find a dollar myself,” local intellectual genius Michael Espinosa said.

Not everyone took the news so well.  Upon hearing of Robert’s find, seven students decided to kill themselves. All of them left notes saying, “I will never find a dollar.”

Within hours of Knutzen’s post, the famed rapper, Kanye West posted, on his Twitter, “Who the f**k is Bob Knutzen?”

Kanye West is known for his hit singles What Do You Mean I’m Not Best Rap Artist, Grammys? and My Sunglasses Have Window Shades Because I’m Hip.

His infamous blog is seen by dozens of losers every day. Most posts are advertisements of whatever company wants to throw $20 away.

Robert then posted another blog, responding to Kanye’s Twitter. It contained pictures of Kanye’s latest tattoo, which read, “Robert Knutzen is my homeboi.”

Not to be out done, Kanye went out the following day and found two separate dollar bills outside his recording studio, conveniently located by both of his security guards, or “posse.” 

In a press conference held after his dollar quest, Kanye stated, “I am the dollar-finder of this generation of this decade.”

When asked if he agreed with Kanye’s claim, Lil Jon said, “YEAH!”

The dispute did not end there. Robert retaliated with his hit single Eff Kanye.

Many fans were jealous of West’s two dollar treasure, and the song grew in popularity and actually made it to number one for about a week on the Billboard charts. Only to be beaten by Lil Wayne’s hit Hey MIMS, I Can Literally Sell A Mill Sayin’ Nothin’ on a Track.

In an interview held on Hip-Hop Corner, a program on GRCC’s music television channel, 

Robert said, “It really doesn’t matter how much my records sell. I mean, all these rappers are just going to spend their money on crack. I spend mine on cigarettes. Who’s the real winner? Me, baby. Me.”

Kanye West hasn’t been heard from since the release of Eff Kanye.

The current number one on the Billboard charts, Marshall “Eminem” Mathers said, when asked if he could say anything to Robert Knutzen, “I hate you! I hate you! I swear to God I hate you… Oh my God, I love you.”

© 2010 Mike Espinosa

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Brilliance! I love this fake news report. Hilarious, sarcastic, satirical. Really good commentary on how ridiculous this world has become with myspace, twitter, the crappy music and especially how greedy people have become for money and fame. I loved the song title "My Sunglasses Have Window Shades Because I’m Hip." That was hilarious to read. Great references and realistic banter. Well done.

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Added on February 2, 2010
Last Updated on June 16, 2010
Tags: Journalism, satire, News story, Kanye, Lil Jon, Eminem, Bob, Dollar


Mike Espinosa
Mike Espinosa

Covington, WA

- College Student at Western Washington University - Philosophy Major - English with Secondary Education Interest Major - I enjoy academic punctuation and grammar and can edit them quickly. - I am.. more..