Diabetics Can No Longer Marry in New Mexico

Diabetics Can No Longer Marry in New Mexico

A Story by Mike Espinosa

The citizens of the state of New Mexico have voted to make diabetic marriage illegal.

This vote was met with some opposition, but was ultimately beaten; 73% for the ban, 24% against, 2% for Ron Paul, and 1% for Ralph Nader.

Diabetic people are those with diabetes. Diabetes, in the science and medical communities, according to Wikipedia, is believed to be “a syndrome of disordered metabolism, usually due to a combination of hereditary and environmental causes, resulting in abnormally high blood sugar levels.” How outrageous.

During the campaign, there were many citizens and religious leaders who took a strong view in favor of the ban.

“Those Diabs; that’s what they should be called,” said Pastor Peter Rabet. “Their title even sounds like “Arab,” which is why they are the terrorists of marriage and must be stopped!”

“Being diabetic is a life choice,” mother Ingrid Jones said. “No one is born diabetic, and it is their choice on whether they are or not. Their choice is just wrong!”

Professor of Sociology at Arizona State University, Jack McOranges added, “Society has maintained a common definition of marriage. If you allow those diabs to get married, it would redefine marriage! Not only that; but soon we’d be letting Cancs [cancerous people] marry, and then you’ll be able to marry your ballpoint pen!”

Father Mark, of Arizona’s First Methodist Church, said, “The philosophy of the diabetic is an abomination to God. Having them freely going around showing everyone that they are happy is the same as spitting in God’s face.” 

“I have never read anything in the bible that explicitly says that diabetic people cannot get married,” said local stupid liberal Keith Smitherman. “It is absurd for the religious right to try to control the way we express love for someone. Now excuse me, I have to go sharpen my wife, who is a colored pencil. I don’t see race.”

There was a debate held in the state capitol between Gov. Bill Richardson and Rep. Martin Heinrich. Bill Richardson, who opposed the ban, asked Heinrich, who supported it, “Can God be diabetic?”

Heinrich’s head allegedly exploded and the debate concluded.

Even though Richardson won the debate by default, the state of New Mexico still chose to pass the ban on diabetic marriage.  Bill Richardson has since been arrested for murder in the Nth degree.

The outcome of the election resulted in a nationwide backlash from the whiny liberals who are still crying over Al Gore.

“WAHH WAHH DIABETES!!! WAHH WAHH SCIENCE!!! WAHH WAHH AL GORE!!!” said whiny liberals of America.

We tried to get an interview with Sir Ronald Reagan. When asked, he answered, “Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement… Facts are stubborn things.” He then allegedly continued being dead.

When asked how he felt about the outcome, President Barack Obama said that Diabs are “still a threat. We cannot pretend somehow that because Barack Hussein Obama got elected as president, suddenly everything is going to be OK.”

© 2010 Mike Espinosa

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You should write for Cracked. Thanks so much for submitting this to my Cynical Literature contest. It is a submission that fits in so well with what I was looking for. I'm so glad I had the chance to read it! The only thing that would make this better is a reference to Pat Robertson. Just my opinion, though.

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Added on February 2, 2010
Last Updated on February 2, 2010


Mike Espinosa
Mike Espinosa

Covington, WA

- College Student at Western Washington University - Philosophy Major - English with Secondary Education Interest Major - I enjoy academic punctuation and grammar and can edit them quickly. - I am.. more..