She followed me

She followed me

A Poem by minnie:)

The mornings came slow but the evenings came fast
I would feel like I'm being watched everywhere I went, mostly
during the night. I was scared to be alone. Her eyes darker than
the darkest black, her skin as pale as ever. She presumed evil in every
sort of way. Her hair was as gray as ash. She was everywhere, never leaving
me alone. I couldn't see her but I could sense her, when she's near me or far away,
or even when she's right next to me. She'll watch me when I'm asleep, even when I'm
awake. She follows me everywhere I go, alone or not. I just want to get away from it all
Her dark as black eyes, her pale cold skin, her evil sight. It scares me when she follows me. She was a demon I didn't want to mess with or think about. I couldn't go face to face with her alone I need help getting away from her. I just want to get away.

© 2013 minnie:)


Author's Note

minnie:)
based on a VERY TRUE story

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Tea
I like the idea of it there are a few mistakes but,and I love the flow of the words.

Posted 10 Years Ago


I like this but I will admit, it is hard to read, in my opinion only. The flow just wasn't there for me. I like the work, but it reads more like a short story or a piece of some sort rather than a poem. If you don't mind, here are my suggestions for spacing and fixing some word errors (*marked with asterisks*):

The mornings came slow but the evenings came fast
I would feel like I'm being watched everywhere I went...
mostly during the night.

I was scared to be alone.
Her eyes darker than the darkest black,
her skin as pale as *the whitest snow*. (added a descriptive here)
Her hair was as gray as *falling, flowing ash* (and here. Moved his line because it fit in with the description and seemed out of place with the next part)

She presumed evil in every sort of way.
She was everywhere, never leaving me alone.
I couldn't see her but I could sense her,
when she's near me or far away,
or even when she's right next to me.

She'll watch me when I'm asleep,
*or* even when I'm awake.
She follows me everywhere I go, alone or not.

I just want to get away from it all
Her dark as black eyes
her pale cold skin
her evil sight. (these 3 lines are a bit repetitive)

It scares me when she follows me. (how does it scare you? How does it make you feel? Your body react)
She was a demon I didn't want to mess with
or think about.
I couldn't go face to face with her alone
I need help getting away from her.

I just want to get away.
---

I think spacing like this makes it easier to read, flows better. However, again just my opinion. Also, it would help if you worked on your descriptive words, metaphors, or analogies. Explore your feelings. Make us feel what you feel. Why were you scared? How did you know? Was your heart pounding? Were you breaking out into a sweat? You use a lot of "as _____ as ______" (i.e. as grey as ash). Flesh that out more. Make is visualize what you see. Were her eyes as black as cindering coals, strike with a hateful glow? Was her hair grey like the clouds before a storm? These are just some random suggestions. I hope it helps.

Jupiter

Posted 10 Years Ago


minnie:)

10 Years Ago

thanks for the advice, I think I'll consider using some of your ideas :) Thanks
~Minnie
This is curious,
I like this piece though you might want to work on your word play a little, more description or feel in the words if you know what I am saying. However there is a haunting aspect to this piece. I was thinking yesterday to write about a real demon that as far as I can tell is bound to me some how. Ever creative Minnie, you beat me to it. Hope you're okay and by the way this is a little creepy.
Sincerely
Christopher
P.s. Sorry I haven't got my reviews done in like a day or so, I have been issued.

Posted 10 Years Ago


minnie:)

10 Years Ago

Thanks and it's fine about your reviews :p
Felt more like a story than a poem. Story's aren't bad though. I'd be more interested in the story this was based on personally.

Posted 10 Years Ago


ooh creepy I like it good job minnie

Posted 10 Years Ago


minnie:)

10 Years Ago

thnks :p writing is meh speciallty XD
Love it! I too would like to know the full story behind it :P

Posted 10 Years Ago


Simon Welsh

10 Years Ago

Okies hon :) I'll have a couple waiting :P
minnie:)

10 Years Ago

alright, byes :p
Simon Welsh

10 Years Ago

Bye bye :)
First of all, if its a very true story, I REALLY want to know what was actually going on with details, tell me!!! It was a very good poem, eerie and creepy, a good write. There were only two things I saw to poke at, so here:

"Her dark as black eyes,"---while I understand what you're trying to say, it sounds a bit odd. Try rephrasing it? :)

"I couldn't go face to face with her alone I need help"----It sounds like there should either be a period or those three dots after alone. (...)

Great poem Minnie! I can tell you put a lot of work into this. :)

Posted 10 Years Ago


Riley Bray

10 Years Ago

That would be really cool. :)
minnie:)

10 Years Ago

I have to get off line so ill have to work on it when i get the chance
Riley Bray

10 Years Ago

Alright. :P
Holy this sounds like the nightmares I dread every night....at least I don't have to deal with it in the light, must be freaky. Good read, it got under my skin...

Posted 10 Years Ago


okat, now you have officially creeped me out. i mean, this is an engaging and captivating piece of writing but if it is a true story...no wonder you want to hide.

Posted 10 Years Ago


minnie:)

10 Years Ago

My parents blessed the house before my problem appeared and after I did that I went to an abandoned .. read more
quinfinn

10 Years Ago

time to get some spiritual help
minnie:)

10 Years Ago

yeah, probably
Scarily phenomenal ;).. Kudos!

Posted 10 Years Ago


minnie:)

10 Years Ago

thanks :)
Gaurav Walia

10 Years Ago

pleasure is all mine...

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Added on April 24, 2013
Last Updated on May 1, 2013

Author

minnie:)
minnie:)

griffin, Georgia



About
My name is Minnie, I'm 15 years old, I've been writing since 4th grade and I have loved every second of it. I write about anything, mostly what pops into my head. I hope to get some of my stories publ.. more..

Writing
Chapter 1 Chapter 1

A Chapter by minnie:)


Chapter 2 Chapter 2

A Chapter by minnie:)


Chapter 3 Chapter 3

A Chapter by minnie:)



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