Involuntary Spinster

Please stop asking me why.

    I remember one of Ahmed's Arabic friends asking me how come someone my age is not married. This very chapter will tell you the reason why. This is the same situation with every single man I have ever met. This is a testimony of garbage that happens to me on a regular basis. 

     At this point I feel like I am not allowed to have any feelings. I also cannot express enough to say please, tell a woman when it is over. When she asks if you are married and you are, you tell her. Please do not up and see another girl. Please do not up and get married without informing the girl you are seeing. You have to, have to, let her move on. Make dating a positive experience. 

     A girl has got to know it is okay to move onto the next chapter. A girl needs to be able to know she can trust others. She cannot do so if you do not tell her what the hell is going on. Be considerate. This is a message to all of the men all over the world. This includes America. 

     I cannot emphasize how frustrated I am. This is the sixth time that this has happened to me. I am at a loss. 

     Fernando was someone I met at work. We were seeing each other for at least one year. He used me. He was suddenly married to some girl that I had met only once. 

     Then there was Josh. After a couple of days of him witnessing drama that Liz was causing, he vanished. I thought it was because of her for the longest time. After four years, he appeared again. He had vanished because he ended up in prison. For a few days we were together. I had thought that the saying was true. If it goes and doesn't return, it wasn't meant to be. If it returns, it was meant to be. He ran off to Arkansas and changed his online status to married and she was already pregnant!

     Paul, the leech, he started dating me right after one of my roommates dumped him. Granted, it was my fault for not telling him to leave as well. He practically ruined my house. He used rhetorical devices to stay in my house. He started hanging out with the neighbor lady. 

     He made all of the excuses despite me telling him to leave. I was pissed because he was with her so much. He said that she was too old and had children. He hid the fact that he had another child the same age as his daughter with another girl. The neighbor's garbage started accumulating in my house. Finally, on my birthday, he "understood" that I did not want him in my house anymore. One month later, he posted pictures of him and the neighbor wearing wedding rings. 

     By this time, I was going to college. I met Joel while I was doing my homework. I met Joel after I had to put up with Paul. Joel let me know what his last name was and he never let me over because of his messy roommate. I am culturally minded, mind you.

     I knew he did not give me the correct spelling of his last name. He also made the mistake of telling me he was Jewish. When I searched for him, I kept on seeing a Jewish spelling of the last name he gave me. He had an emergency trip. I looked him up under the name that was showing and discovered that he was married. I stayed with him at that time because I had given up and was going to college.

     Things were inconvenient. I could not go see him. My life was silent because I could not even communicate with him by texting. He only came over when he wanted to. This was why I went looking for a new boyfriend. This was why I stated on my profile that nobody can be married.

     I remember that Ahmed convinced me how I should not be seeing a married man. He would show me...I could not remember what he said.

     So, I already had a subtle message from Krista. Nobody was telling me what was going on. Ahmed didn't even tell me when he made it home. I was friends with one of his friends, Omar.

     Omar posted a picture of Ahmed's car. The car was decorated and my heart sank immediately. He had written something in Arabic and I clicked on the translation. Omar was congratulating Ahmed on his marriage. I had never felt so angry and attacked in my life. I had been stabbed in the back one hundred times over.

     Why would I have to hear it from someone else? Why did he tell a w***e and not me? Why has every person done this to me? Does anyone realize that I am a human being to? Why does everyone want to start a life with someone else? Why can't I get married? Why can't I have any children?

     Everyone is so inhumane. I was just recovering from a surgery. All of this made me sick. This secrecy made me sick. I was in severe pain for days. I spent the entire weekend taking pain medication and I did not leave my bed.

     I was livid and asking questions. I received nothing, but silence. Omar still refused to tell me what was going on even though I could see it online.

     I became unglued and felt like giving up. What sense was it to try to learn anything anymore? Why did I even want to write anymore? Now there was no point to my degree. Everything that I worked so hard for had become redundant. Why should I even continue to care about myself? Why should I care about anyone?

     What difference did it make? Ahmed complained about me having dogs. The situation was the same when I did not have any dogs. People tell me to stay in Idaho, but where was everyone when I needed them? Does it really matter if I gain weight? I was skinny once and I still never had a real boyfriend.

     All I could do was look for some answer. I never liked living in Idaho, why am I still here? My life is getting nowhere, why am I still here? The only thing I could think of was foreclosure. I wanted to leave Idaho. If I am going to be alone here, I may as well live somewhere I would enjoy being alone. Screw this place. 

     After much silence, I finally broke down and told him how messed up it was to tell everyone but me. The only thing that Ahmed could say was that he was so sorry. The only thing he could tell me was that he liked me.

     He told me that I could not come over because of "cultural issues." I knew damn well he was lying. Joel never let me come over because of his "messy roommate." Why was this any different? My trust for all humans was gone.

     Out of the blue he was coming to my house? He did this after all of these excuses of why he would not come over. The dogs, the bitchy roommate, and he was too busy.

     He finally came to visit. What was he intending to show me when we first met? I had walked from the same exact situation into another. All cultures are the same.

     I asked him when I was going to meet the family. He said that his brothers and cousin were at his house. I asked him if that was why he would not let me over. He said he left for Iraq to stop it from happening. He said he was not happy with the situation. I told him that Krista had told me what was going on.

     I showed him the message that she had sent me while he was away. His calm expression turned dark as he read what the w***e sent to me. All he could ask is why she would be like that. My thought was because he was screwing her. That would have only been the answer.

     I scolded him for treating me like I was stupid. People come and tell me things; I never in my life had to ask any question. I told him this happened to me before and that I am resourceful and smart. He told me that he never intended on hurting me. He hid the information to protect my emotions.

     He hurt me more by not telling me. He hurt me more to make me face the same problem I have had for years. Protect my emotions? Lies make me more upset. How could he? How dare he? He told that skank and not me? Nobody can hide information from me.

     He said he tried to reason with them. If he was in America, why didn't he tell them to buzz off? Wasn't he the male? Why can't he say no? He insisted that there was nothing he could do.

     I do not know if I can trust a soul again. How did he expect me to trust him again? I told Omar that I was not friends with him anymore. Everyone hid this information from me. I was angry with everyone. This had to be the most unforgiveable thing that a human can do to me. My parents did it. Friends did it.

     Nobody has ever spoken directly to me about anything. This has been a lifelong problem. People knew so much about me, yet so little. This was all because they all spoke behind my back. Ahmed did not help this one bit. This was all taking a psychological toll on me. Once again, I was with a married man.