Clear-Cut Johnny

A lumberjack who likes to party!

 

"Timber!" says the man with the chainsaw in his hand

 

"Another tree to add to make the home buyers glad"

He doesn't stop to think about what damage it's doing long-term

 

He doesn't give a s**t, and he sure never learns!

 

Johnny is his given name, but his nickname is Clear-Cut

 

He sees himself as wearing white but he's really a tree-cutting pain in the butt!

 

With the saw in one hand and a 32-ounce beer in the other,

 

He's wood's greatest nightmare, he's a chain saw mother!

 

He doesn't give a s**t, as long as he gets his dough

 

As long as he gets paid those trees are going to go

 

Birds nests, baby birds be damned,

 

Those trees are going down, by the nature-killer in his hand

 

He wields that blade with a ruthless swagger,

 

But look out if the guy slips and staggers

 

That means he had a few too many

 

"Another round down here, barkeep; set them up again-y!"

 

"Don't you think you've had enough?" asks the barkeep

"After all, you've only got three hours left of free

 

Time before your next shift starts anew."

 

"What?  This bar sucks; screw you!"

 

And so he staggers back home, for a couple hours of shut-eye

 

When he comes to, he feels like he could die!

 

"Today's going to be another boring-a*s day,

 

It'll suck the same as the rest" is all he'll say

 

He picks up his saw, it feels like dead weight,

 

Yes, he feels like s**t, but he can't be late

 

He's behind on his credit card bills; he has to work

 

The other lumberjacks see him coming, "Here comes that jerk!"

 

But he just revs that b***h up so he cannot hear,

 

And up the tree he goes; God, he craves a beer

 

When he's through sawing, no trees for miles around!

 

The falling of formerly-living evergreens is the only sound

 

The other lumberjacks are concerned about reseeding,

 

Not so Clear-Cut Johnny, he's all about beer, and right now he's needing

 

Quite a few; in fact he's daydreaming, 70 feet off the ground,

 

About an ice-cold one that he'll soon be chugging down

 

Not very smart, but then I already told you, he just doesn't care

 

As he's daydreaming he loses all control; up in the tree there

 

The saw blade makes swift work of his leg

 

I guarantee you he's not thinking about a cold beer keg

 

As he plummets screaming from way up on high

 

He's 190 pounds of scared as he realizes he's just about to die

 

He hits and digs a crater on the forest floor

 

Looks like Clear Cut Johnny won't be clear cutting anything, anymore!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[ANTO]

A clear-cut case of Johnny cut lately I think Mike.
I enjoyed this witty write - thanks for the chuckles my friend

[Michael Stevens]

Thank you, and I'm afraid I'll be charging for each chuckle!

[ANTO]

Aww mannnn - but they were internal .. ;p

[Michael Stevens]

Okay, then I'll need documentation!

[ANTO]

well I never ... the absolute gall of some people ... okay what licket do you want the papers in?

[Michael Stevens]

Oh, I have too many papers as it is, so let's just forget the whole thing!

[ANTO]

Well parried Mike - neutralised that beautifully lol
Great craic mt friend :D

[Michael Stevens]

Thank ye kindly!

[Marie]

I'm trying to formulate a poem about how Clear-Cut Johnny cut off his own hollow leg...

[Michael Stevens]

That sounds interesting; maybe stupidity?