But the Siren Could Not Sing

Physics class...is a very inspiring environment for poetry on mermaids

Sing to me a lullaby, a lone man called out to the shore.

A splash murmured near a rock and she emerged from the lore.

The moon glanced off her scales; the wind calmed to a ring.

But the siren could not sing.

The drunkard’s unsteady pace marked time across the beach.

Four steps, five steps - footsteps that shuffled out of reach

And back towards the inland, away from the siren

Who watched silently from the sea.

A rotting chest lay exposed with liquor from Eve’s tree;

The man took another draught before letting out a cough, then a shriek.

His feeble heart had already taken its toll

And hell-fire would soon consume his soul.

Drown me in a lullaby, the lullaby to death.

Drown me in a sea of song but not the river Lethe.

Oh siren from my childhood follies, sing once again for me?

The shore remained so quiet despite his drunken pleas.

In one clumsy lurch, the dying man collapsed on the sand

Just as the tide began to reach forward, encouraged by the moon. First, for his hand,

Then for his arm, until his head was completely submerged

And the beach was finally purged.

If only she could sing; one note would be enough.

Shaking, the myth brushed her webbed hands against her soundless neck, rough

With scales that no longer held the moon’s reflection or stilled the wind to a ring.

But the siren could not sing.

Author's Note

I'm looking for critique on the final verse, which I'm looking to edit or rewrite completely :)

Reviews

[Kathy Van Kurin]

Monica Chen,
Hello, I am a new reader to your work. But the Siren could not sing was a analytical piece which brought about a lot of introspection. (at least for me.) Evil if visited-courted simply will behave for what it is. You showed the effect of choices in this poem. As far as the last line, it fits in with the context pretty good. Maybe with time you will make some changes. You'll know. Kathy

[Monica Chen]

Thanks for stopping by and leaving such a nice comment! I'm glad that this brought about a lot of introspection for you and I'm still picking over what edits to make :)

[ReedWrite]

What a fun piece. I love the flow and voice of this one. Thought-provoking, too. I like the last verse as it is. I also like this line. It's my favorite: A rotting chest lay exposed with liquor from Eve’s tree;
This is the line that makes you take a second look at the poem. It's deeper, hidden meanings. Great write.

[Monica Chen]

Thank you for your review and I'm glad you liked that line -- that was probably one of the harder lines to write here because of its allusion :)

[Panini_girl]

"her soundless neck" i think about the back of one's head, the part that leads to the spine, i think it'd be better to say throat,"her webbed hands against her soundless throat" just a suggestion , but I like the poem like a lot, you could definitely feel the emotion of the siren and how she despises herself almost because she can't sing. I love this.

[Monica Chen]

Thanks for the advice and I'm glad you enjoyed reading! I'm not very good at anatomy so I'll definitely edit that to "throat" so readers won't be confused over that.

[Johnny]

Hmm this seemed like a story that I would read before going to sleep, it reminded me of the collection of the brothers grimm

[Monica Chen]

Thank you for your comment and I'm glad you would find this worth reading before bedtime if it were a story :)

[M.E.Lyle]

A siren that could not sing, how curious indeed. This is truely creepy in a good kinda way. Dark and...and... I don't know what. This is wonderful, and I think the ending is fine as it is.

[Monica Chen]

Thanks for reviewing and I'm glad you were able to sense the darker tones of this poem!

[Wolf_Lord]

Again an awesome poem .. However, it does not fit the qualifications of the contest (Poetry Challenge) which are to make a poem using the following words. Coral/Edge/Toes/Hard/Worry/Banjo/Willow/Car/Round/Sound If you wish to take a stab at it using the forum specified please feel free. I am however giving you a score of 100 on this poem. Very Nice. As for the last line: Perhaps; But the Sirens voice was stilled?
Wolf ,'', ^@@^ ,'',

[Monica Chen]

I'll keep in mind to read contest guidelines from now on...and thanks once again for commenting!

[Mel]

gotta be honest. This might be the best thing I've read on this site thus far. keep it up gurl!!

[Monica Chen]

Thanks so much for your comment and liking my poem, mallen! :)

[PaintedBirdy]

once again, i like the rhythm of your writing. overall, i enjoyed this too. after reading the other comments and your replies then re-reading this again, it seems to me that the relationship between the sailer and the siren suggests that 1) the siren may have sacrificed her ability to sing to the sailer at a different time (maybe to save him somehow) and shows up to his death because she still has some kind of relationship to him, or 2) the sailer did something to the siren to cause her inability to sing (possibly tried to cut her throat even because you mention she grabs her neck). It seems like whatever the situation is, they both feel regret.

and at "The drunkard’s unsteady pace marked time across the beach" - i was like "yes!" i love that imagery.

[Monica Chen]

Glad you liked that line :D and your theories are actually really really close to what I had in mind as their backstory when I was writing this.

[drcornelius]

First of all I love this poem. It tells a fascinating story. Tension builds quickly and is sustained. For the last stanza you might want to consider getting rid of "rough". If this is a siren or a mermaid, it is not likely the neck would be rough. That would mean rewriting the first two lines. "If only she could sing, one note would be her gift" or "If only she could sing, one note would ease his pain" and then on from there.

[Monica Chen]

Hmmm I actually used the word rough because I couldn't find a better rhyme...In this poem I was thinking of a mermaid with rough scales on her neck (more reptilian than human in contrast to the mermaid most western folklore prefer) and thank you for your suggestions! :)

[RELavender]

Well I love the beginning, but I only have one comment about the final verse, why would her being able to sing be enough, to save the sailor? To ease his trip into death? But I like the last line, which brings the poem full circle

[Monica Chen]

Your second hypothesis is correct! The sailor is dying and wants to hear the siren sing before he goes because her voice is something that has haunted him since he was a child. But, she can't and the reason is left unknown :)