Melting Clocks of My Life

The search for inner peace is one of trials and tribulations. You don't just oosahh and the peacefulness floods in. Helping people has always made me feel good inside and I live for the smiles that comes from the extra mile taken. I have gone through life trying to take care of people, even going out of my way, or sacrificing myself at times. This comes from a overcorrection on my part from the way I was brought up, I believe. The bulk of people in my life took care of themselves at the expense of anyone or anything and I found myself sacrificed over and over. People that were so close in your life, that should love and protect you were the most selfish and hurtful of all. But as with anything in life, you find a few times people step outside of themselves. The few, the proud, the rare...the ones that went out of their way to help someone when there was no benefit for themselves, sometimes even suffering a cost. But these are the people that have stuck in my mind, heart and soul. They have been what I have tried to model my life after..my daily attempt to pay back the generosity of these beautiful people...my pay it forward before pay it forward was a movie and considered cool.

In theory, this path in life is a wonderful thing. In reality, it can be turned ugly and hurt and drain your very being. Sometimes your generosity and your kindness is confused for weakness. Sometimes, it is just simple selfishness on the part of others. But what was once a gift turns into a expectation. What was once done out of the kindness of your heart becomes your job. You find that you feel resentment and it tears at your heart that the special gift has been taken from you. Times when you hold your tongue to protect others are abused and you risk your own being by stuffing down the feelings and comments for the benefit of others. So you stand through life, with no forward direction, sadly, twisting in the wind, confused...

I have been told time and time again that when you give too much of yourself, you don't leave enough of you to take care of you. I usually turn a deaf ear to these warnings. I am stubborn to a fault. I am not changing . I will not let negativity change the integral part of my being. The part that has been carefully designed to payback the universe for the kindness that has been paid to me. The only way I know to be...me. But time goes by and you feel worse and worse. You are tired more and more. You find yourself stressed to the inth degree...blurry face kinda stressed. You can’t keep up with the day to day. You feel ill and your body fails you at times. In the end, you are sad and feel beaten. The only way to fix this, is to back up, tighten up, stop spreading yourself so thin. So an adjustment is needed...but careful! Not too much, just a tad, just enough to protect your mind, body and soul. Not so much that you become a hard, jaded, coarse, selfish and uncaring human being. Not so much that you cut people out of your life and you run and hide. Not so much that you find yourself ultimately alone. Just enough of a tweak that you are strong again, both inside your soul and outside your body. How much is enough though?

So I sit in the quiet that comes , slowly turning and tweaking dials in my mind. Tightening here, loosening a tad there. A tug or two on the heart strings. Just as the clockmaker, I steady my hands and carefully work the screws of my soul. Slowly realizing there is no rush... that no different than the clocks of Dali, time is irrelevant and it will take whatever time it may take. Inner peace is a never ending journey and balancing act of constantly learning not to let others actions and behaviors affect you. It is not a rush .It is the beautiful life lesson to "do unto others". It is learning to stop and breath and let go even at times. So I sit and melt the troubles, time and stress away. Working diligently on my current lesson of trying to do no harm to others but also not taking any s**t...

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

In this very well written piece, you remind me of myself. Perhaps it is ingrained in your core to put others first and give of yourself. As you point out, things aren't always fair and it seems there's no balance. Keep being you, my friend, and I believe all the good you do will eventually come back to you.

[Joy Carver]

Thank you, Samuel!! That means a lot coming from you.