the bird and the stalker

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hello to everyone in the cyber world!!! this is my blog.

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what do you think is the coolest type of bird? i know nothing about birds but i like the blue ones. maybe they are crips. i think birds are cool because they have wings and they can be dangerous. if the blue ones are indeed crips, then i like birds because they are criminals.

one time when i was 12 a bird flew through the open window of my moms apartment. i was cooking and got scared when it started bumping into things and perched itself on the beams on the ceiling. i contemplated using lysol spray like i did with bugs, or attempting to throw the pot of boiling water in my hands onto the ceiling. i realized that birds do not melt. and maybe it wasn't the right thing to do.

up until that point, i did not like any foreign creatures near me. when i lived with my grandparents and we had an ant infestation one year, we used to make it a contest on who could step on the most ants between my grandparents, my sister and i. i would drop salt on slugs with my best friend at the time because we thought they were gross. i was told that when i was a baby, i put fireflies in a jar and tore off the glowing parts of their abdomen. all of these things used to make me feel safer and more secure. but i saw everything around me as an object for my entertainment at that time.

now, at the ripe old age of 12, i started to question that. i was developing moral values which was a sign of maturity. now my values and perception was replacing my curiosity about the world.

that was around the time that i started getting some false ideas about the world and people around me. i thought, "if i saw someone in trouble and i could help, would i really help that person?" no, of course not. who knows, that could be hitler. "but if i was in trouble and people could help me, would they do that?" no, of course not. who knows, I could be hitler! (i am not hitler.) i dont know that everyone else is not hitler, so i'm wary of everyone around me now. i know i'm not hitler, but nobody else knows that, so everyone is out to get me now. the cycle continues.

that thought pattern got so out of hand that there came a point where i couldnt find any good in the world. (just to keep in mind, in the story i'm still staring at this bird.) i got very depressed and started getting into some disciplinary trouble, whether it was attempting to start fights, or actually landing a punch(rare), or just generally being disruptive. when people started asking me about how i was doing, i thought they were just trying to get me to say something bad so i could get in trouble again and hurt myself. i felt like i was constantly being watched.

that evolved into a feeling of unfairness. "if everyone else can watch me and everything i'm doing, why can't i do that to other people?" i started by going through yellowpages books and asking business owners simple questions. that eventually became trying to find out and memorize the schedules of random kids around me just by looking at what classrooms they go to. that eventually became finding the license plate of my school psychologist's car, and following my first crush home from class to find out the layout of his home.

at this point, the authorities had to get involved. i had to explain myself in front of school administration, my parents, my first crush's parents, and 2 police officers about my behavior. i completely broke down and, uh, discussed to them my perception about what was going on. this is a very vivid memory in my mind.

"IT'S NOT FAIR," i yelled "THAT I HAVE TO FOLLOW RULES EVERYONE ELSE DOESN'T HAVE TO! why are you trying to make me kill myself? I DON'T WANT TO DIE I DON'T WANT TO DIE YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! i know what you do when you think i'm not looking!"

there wasnt any disciplinary action taken that time. i was taken to a childrens psychiatric hospital for a few weeks. there, my problems only got worse. i got scary looking bright blue pills(which i know now to be heartburn-causing zoloft) and saw a new therapist. i couldn't open up to her about what i was thinking! i couldn't describe my motives if i tried! (i'm still staring at the bird in the story.) so i, and everyone around me, chalked it up to typical preteen depression.

meanwhile, when i saw other kids there, i had deep conversations, made "friends", and eavesdropped on them, only to take notes about everything going on in their lives and put it in a notebook that i folded out of printer paper. i felt safe when i did that. i felt like i had information to use against everyone i knew, because everyone had some information against me. when i got out of the hospital, it became a stress response - i'd look at people across the street and follow them from a far distance, or do background checks on people when i was feeling paranoid. it became an addiction of sorts. i knew it was a stress response. i mean of course i was stressed, when everyone was watching me and seeing if i do a single thing that they can hold against me so their torment can lead me to suicide!

but when i stared at that bird above me, i realized that i couldn't live this way anymore.

the bird did nothing wrong. it got into the house through an open window on a nice day, and ended up landing here by mistake. i don't have to hurt it if it doesn't want to hurt me.

i told my mom about the bird and she was able to coerce it out of the building somehow. anticlimactic, right? we had a little laugh about it and just continued out day as normal. mom said, "thanks for telling me about it and not trying to get it out of the house by yourself." i was DEFINITELY thinking about doing that, but she didn't have to know.

i still occasionally relapse into my old habits, but i know the importance of boundaries and i try to challenge my thoughts instead of letting them take control of me right away. i was finally able to open up to my therapist about my thoughts and now i'm constantly working to improve. i can confidently say that having a bird fly into my house when i was twelve changed my view of the world.

the next morning, i saw a nest outside my window.

end of blog

ive always wonder what it would be like to make a blog, so that is what i'm doing!