Love Me

basically i just wrote this to vent. i was somewhat mad at my boyfriend and wrote this for him. I would appreciate any advice on how to make this piece better.

 

You tell me that you love me

But then you say you love her.

You don’t know how much it hurts

To hear you say she’s hot

Or to hear you say that she’s smart.

You never know. That’s why you say it.

I feel like it’s a never ending game with you.

One minute you’re telling me that you love me

The next you say I love her.

 

My eyes hurt from all the tears being held back.

I want to tell you that it hurts,

But then I don’t want to make you mad.

If I don’t tell you though, you will never know.

 

It doesn’t matter though

Because it’s not like you even care about me.

It’s just a little joke between friends

I tear the last petal on the rose off

Leaving the bare stem.

I throw the last petal to the ground

And walk off, tears streaming down my face

The wind blows the petal back at my feet and I read it

“He loves me not.”

Author's Note

I would appreciate any constructive critisim. Thanks!

Reviews

[Kris Tate]

Very well written, I like the flow. The feeling is strong. You did a great job with this.

[N3v3r_2_L@t3]

Get it girl!! This poem is interestingly written. Its always nice to write your feelings down into poems. I wrote a poem on my boyfriend also, its called 'My Forever' Read it if you get the chance please =]. But I really liked the end, talking about the rose, and it's stem. My advice is to listen to your heart, and keep on trucking. If he loves another, then he's not worth it, but thats just my opinion. I hope to see more from you like this. Welcome to Writers Cafe!

[delime4305]

its a good piece of writing... its always nice to vent... i hate when you got to plays games like that... i think alot of girls go thru this kind of treatment at one point in time... i like the whole pedal thing... it made you wonder if it said he loves you and not her so you can keep tryin to be his... but bein he loves you not seems better.... nice job

[Kena Dawn Augustine]

Nice job for your first poem on this site. I wrote a couple poems very similar to this, about being in love with someone else, but he's already taken. "Surreal" is one example. welcome to the site. you will love it. i added you as a friend.

[Serendipity]

This is very sad.

You wrote this beautifully, "I tear the last petal on the rose off." There is nothing you have to change. But the pain in your heart, "And walk off, tears streaming down my face," is one no one should ever have to endure. I'm so sorry for the pain of accepting the fact that, ""He loves me not."

And from the bottom of my heart if there is another, "The next you say I love her," please walk away and don't look back. A faithful love is around the corner.

[Lisa J "The Rose&q..]

Very good piece that I can relate to. It sounds fine-the way it is written. I think you are
quite talented. Although sad for your pain, it was an enjoyable read, that was written so
well.

[Lee Tran]

You're wording is repetitive and takes away the emphasis of it being a poem. There is also less flow because of it and the poem drags a bit. The beginning is weak, since it starts out with what every reader dreads since it's just a one liner back and forth describing a setting the most direct way possible. Nothing artistic in that. This is when I take a thesaurus out and try to find words that are powerful, gripping, and catches the reader to be drawn in. Most editors would just read the first line and then trash it.

You tell me that you love me
But then you say you love her.
You don't know how much it hurts
To hear you say she's hot
Or to hear you say that she's smart.
You never know. That's why you say it.
I feel like it's a never ending game with you.
One minute you're telling me that you love me
The next you say I love her.

My Revision
Love is just a one-line soliloquy--
words have no meaning when it
eavesdrop like sugar coated sweets
to my ears, though my diabetic
mind rejects your game of tag.


Be creative with your wording, be subtle and let your mind free. Don't let your poetry be just a dialog between the person and you. You get my drift...right?