The Happiness Underneath

The Happiness Underneath

 

She rips the shirt from her body,

quickly yanks off her jeans,

staring in the mirror

trying to see pass the rolls of fat that smother her,

stealing and concealing her breath all at once.

Pushing against her stomach

feeling for the hardness that will prove she is more

more than just another lazy American,

taking pride in riches and greedy behavior.

Her stomach resists the pressure

filling her with a cramping pain that is sure to lead to purging.

You deserve this…

She searches and searches

finding no reassurance that she is any better,

any different at all.

At the sickening realization her hand finds the rolls

tugging wherever there is give.

 

Each roll has a name:

love, friends, family, money, school, future, past, society.

Each one is disgusting and imperfect

reminding her of the one truth in her life:

not good enough - not good enough - not f*****g good enough

but all will be better when the roll is gone.

When the roll is gone…

your sister won’t be angry and cut

your brother won't drink

winding up in the ER

no recollection of the night.

When the roll is gone…

your parents won't wear the constant look

of fear and bewilderment.

When the roll is gone…

he will start calling again,

taking interest

paying attention like he used to.

Everyone will be happy

when the roll is gone.

She'd feel empty anyways

so why not lose weight at the same time?

At least hunger pains make sense,

they are justified.

Not that she’s hungry,

school and her future

make her nervous.

All the reminders

of just how unstable

her life truly is.

 

Her hand squeezes a little tighter

she kneels from the mirror to the bowl

the bowl that will take away her problems,

take away her anger,

her sadness

her disappointment. 

Today she is not good enough-

but she purges

for one day she will purge enough

to find

the happiness underneath.