Red Fever and How I Learned to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse with the use of Max Brook's Zombie Survival Guide Part 2

This is the second part in my Zombie epic

Business, we were in business and I was happy. For a job like this I wanted a select small group from our entire crew; the smaller the guys the better in that I was hoping that they will make less noise, seeing that what we are doing here is not necessarily what some would call legal. So it was going to be me, Jeff, Tony, Dylan, Damien, and then there was this black guy named Rodney. He fit in here in Louisiana nicely, seeing that he was lazy and black. But he was big enough to be a pack mule. Tony and Dylan were the ones who actually new what they were doing when it came to geological examinations but in the rest of life they were pure morons. Then there was Damien, he really was our muscle in a case where everything was fucked. He was the only one I allowed to have a gun in case things went bad, I mean come on alligators and crocodiles, f**k I don’t know which ones live here and I don’t care. I just don’t want to be like that Aussie and f**k with them, oh wait he is dead too, never mind. Jeff and I were the ones who you know took care of everything else, you know everything and anything from keeping people in line to bribing authorities to keeping the morale up with our dumb antics. We were winners.

If there is anything I hate more than Louisiana it is Cajuns, they smell bad, they sound funny and creep me the hell out with all that voodoo nonsense and liking the Saints as a football team. Take that Drew Brees! No but seriously, I hate it here so much and now we have to wade through a f*****g swamp to check for gas samples. F**k this.

“We are going to back up into that cove to hide ourselves from the Caine residence, because you know the Deep South, they all have guns and I am sure if they are not beating their wives they are drinking Budweiser and cursing black people. What? I’ve seen “Cops”’. I said to our group as our truck backed up

“Are you done?” Jeff said

“Maybe, you and Rodney take point and scout up ahead.” I said

“Why me and Rodney?’ Jeff protested

“Because…” I said

“Because why?...”

“Because you are both black and you will not be seen as easily. Into the swamp you go. And D (what I call Damien) I know it is humid as f**k, but put this on and go with them and make sure they don’t run into trouble.” I said as I gave D a black ski mask.

I had the rest of us follow them shortly after. There is something you should know about why we are here. You see by trespassing in order to see if this land has any wealth, you know oil or gas, it is a better idea to this than just ask the Caine’s if it is ok to just search around and punch holes in the ground to check for oil and gas, then to say that there may be something here, “Well Mr. Caine, we want to buy this land from you.”

“Oh really, well Im not selling because you found all this gas and what not.”

Et cetera Et cetera… yeah that’s a f*****g hassle no one wants to deal with. And besides, it’s a hell of a lot easier to do things this way.

I got the signal to move forward from our scouting party, we advanced.

“God I hate it here.” Jeff and Rodney were complaining

“We all hate it here.” I said.

“Its hot as hell and there are mosquitoes everywhere, what the hell.” Jeff said back “Is there any bug spray”

“We are about to make 20 G or 15 percent about whatever we find, and you are worried about mosquitoes and bug spray. Chill the f**k out man we are almost done here anyway.” D said

“D’s right, shut the f**k up someone might hear us.” I said

“But I itch…” Rodney said

“There is no change there, I told you get those sores checked out.” I said

“Well if I got the herpes its from your mother.” He said back

“Typical Black man, always wanting to f**k a white woman, what is with that anyways?”

“Consider it reparations” Jeff said back

“Awww, can’t we just cut you a check?” Tony wined

“SHUT THE F**K UP EVERYONE. Someone will hear us.” D said

“Were done anyways” Tony said as proving with Dylan their white superiority by giving each other a high five.

Jeff said “What are you two, the last people on the planet to that still high five?”

“Jeff is right, what the hell, go listen to OAR and Dave Matthews now, bro.” I said

“What, now your going to make fun of me for liking Jack Johnson again. Aren’t you?” Tony said in his defense

“Yeah either that or make fun for having ‘Curious George Soundtrack is in your car right now.’” I said

“Hey, Mr. Johnson did some amazing things for that soundtrack and for that movie. At least I don’t like Soulja boy.” Tony and Dylan pointed at Jeff and Rodney.

They both looked up surprised. “What, us? S**t its you guys that are the ones that are still doing that s**t in parking lots. You guys are the ones who like that Soulja boy s**t, black people don’t really like that s**t. Find me a group of black people doing that, you cant. If you can find me a bunch of black guys doing the Soulja Boy s**t Id give up white women. And one more thing you racist f***s, not all black people like to dance. God I hate that, I hate everyone assuming black people can dance. How many black people you see on dancing with the stars?” Jeff said.

“Well what about Emmitt Smith?”

“Shut the f**k up white boy with that Emmitt Smith bullshit, you guys claimed him as your own like you taken everything else from us. Tiger, Oprah, and what, who did you give us back, Mike Tyson and Spike Lee, gee thanks alot a******s.” Tony said

“Hey I like Spike Lee.” Dylan said

“Shut the F**k up, you keep holding back white people you know that, for f**k sakes your name is Dylan. Now go home and watch Boon Dock Saints.”

“What I like that movie, at least we don’t have movies that star Ice Cube and Mike Epps.” Dylan said

“Trust me you can have them.” Rodney said “And besides, at least we don’t have Vin Diesel.”

“Are you guys done blowing each other? Dylan go on ahead and start the truck up, we will get the equipment and make sure we left no signs that we were here.”

“Real Green Beret S**t huh chief?” Tony said

“Shut the f**k up Tony and don’t call me chief.” I said “I want the air conditioning going and seriously don’t be a dumb f**k this time and leave the f*****g windows open to smoke. God I don’t understand how you can be so smart and at the same time have the reasoning power of a f*****g chimp.”

“Well some chimps are smart.” Dylan said

“Yeah like that one that could do sign language. He was one cool chimp.”

“God hates me, he must, I act dumb as a joke, but you, ughhh you guys... Just get going, and take Tony with you.”

And fortunately they left.

Jeff said, “Call it now, what you think D.”

“God I am afraid of what those too will be doing when we find them.”

“I meant I think they are secretly gay.” Jeff said

“That’s what I meant…” D said

“What do you think they will be doing when we get there, eh Sol?”

“ Probably not doing what I told them, or continuing to give the white race a black eye. You know the usual, what every 18-24 year old white man does: listens to s****y music and fights of homosexuality with a stick.”

“Your white, you know that right?” Rodney says

“Oh yeah, well I am 25 and I don’t listen to s****y music.” I said “Ok I got a bet for ya, call it. Country music, Dave Matthews or Rap music. What are they going to be listening to?”

“I say Rap music.” D said

Both Rodney and Jeff said Dave Matthews, and then they asked what I thought.

I said “I wouldn’t be surprised if they winded up listening to “Up Town Girl” by Billy Joel”

“Billy who?” Both black men look confused.

“Don’t worry about it, its white people music.”

And of course the sound of music began to echo throughout the swamp. And of course the windows were down.

“D was right it is rap music.” I was pissed that the windows were open. These two tards were singing the s****y lyrics to “A Baby”

“Allow me…” Said Jeff as he snuck up to the truck and smacked Tony in the back of his head for being oh so lame. “I f*****g knew it. Didn’t I tell you that white people are the only ones who listen to this s**t.”

Rubbing his head, “Ouch that really, really hurt.”

“Out!” I said “I’m driving and I don’t want a peep out of you two half -a- tards.”

We drove back to our hotel in silence, D, Rodney and Jeff all had little smirks on their face like they wanted to laugh hysterically at Dylan and Tony.

 

 

Author's Note

yeah eventualy im going to proofread this

Reviews

[Different Wings]

I liked the first part better, in part because it set up a good narrative. This isn't poorly written, but it gets confusing and I want to see more action and less dialogue. Not necessarily blood-spatter action, just description of movement and less forced humor. Hope you decide to write the next part, though- I like the characters!!