The Defrosted Ice

The Defrosted Ice

A Poem by TQ

 

The Deforested Ice

 

The secret of a successful life

Is when all the lies died

A new friend has just entered my daily life

My heart was frozen as ice

 

I suddenly realized

That you defrosted this ice

Draw a smile on my face

You have just changed the whole human raice

 

My dear friend you’ve just made a major change

All of the happiness in my heart will never end

You’re my best friend…

 

You’ve released me from this constant heartache

Taught me that I can take a brake…

That I may have no more headaches

 

A twinkling star is what you are

Every time it gets far..

My heart get ripped apart

 

My Dear friend

I don’t want this to end

 You’re more than a friend

 

If you only knew how much TQ

Loves you

Ooh I’m so in to you

 

I love you and I love you

That’s TQ….

 

My friend you’ve changed

There is no words of mine can say

That will express how much you did change…

 

You’ve build a gate

I can’t enter only when I may

This takes me further away…

 

All you did is denay

I asked you why? And You Delayed

My Friend that rips me apart

I’m afraid at the end I might have no heart

I will be just a draw of Art…

 

I ask you today…

May I may?

Go back further away

Where we met on that day…

 

I miss you that all I have to say

 

 Sooner or later

Our Friendship will shatter

Let us stop that from happening 

My eyes are burning

 

 

The broken heart centimes has just started

Hell on earth has just recreated

 

Ooh my dear friend I wanted our hearts to blend

I don’t want it to come for an end

I can’t bare losing a special friend

 

A friend to a friend

I ask for a forbidden end

 

Written by...    

                    Tariq Suhail Al-Shaibani

                          (¯`·._.·[ TQ ]·._.·´¯)

 

© 2008 TQ


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Please never again mention yourself in the third person. Also pick a tense past or present. Why all the random caps? Capitalizing something that does not appear at the beginning of a sentence denotes emphasize, only here I can't figure out why you are using it. You're not even consistent. You also use many cliches, don't. Like twinkling star and hell on earth. These have been over used to the point that they have no emotional impact anymore. Try to find a new way of saying the same thing.

Spelling Issues:

Defrosted not Deforested
race not raice
deny not denay
break not brake
centimes? I got nothing here....

This is just littered with grammatical errors. Please read your poem outloud, it will help pinpoint these issues. Draw of Art? Do you mean a painting? Children draw, not artists.

In the end I feel like you didn't know what you wanted to say. This just kind of rambles on and ends going nowhere. I would suggest getting out of your head for a while and taking a look around. Utilize descriptive elements to bolster the sensory data that your poetry currently lacks. This feels like a conversation more then a poem. Describe your friend, I can't even tell if they are male or female.

Posted 13 Years Ago



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Added on April 23, 2008

Author

TQ
TQ

Muscat, Oman



About
My name is Tariq Suhail I'm 14 years old I live in Oman ! I study an American Education Poetry writing is my Hobey :) more..

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