Hero's Yearning Disorder

Written November 23, 2016

I...am infected.

Not in the way that most of you probably think. Don't worry, I'm clean.

I'm infected with something I like to call “Hero's Yearning Disorder”, and it's more of a curse than a disorder. You see, most people can see a movie and enjoy it, maybe watch it a couple of times if they really love it, and then they move on with their lives.

I can't.

When I see a movie--correction, when I see most movies--I get an intense feeling in my chest. A sense of longing that no one I've ever explained this to has been able to understand. I see these films and I wish I could be the characters of the movie, but not in the ways that people think. I start to wish that I could be as in control of my life as the characters are, even if their lives are an utter mess.

Most of the time I'm not really living my life, I'm just viewing it from a first-person perspective. I watch it piss away as I spend most of my time closed off or alone, desperately searching for something to keep my thoughts at bay. I switch into autopilot and sit back inside my brain as my body goes about it's daily routine of going to school and staying for ten to fourteen hours a day; going home and secluding itself in it's room to block out the fact that it's a burden to it's family; and staying up until 3AM staring into space wishing things could be better instead of doing homework before it finally passes out and has to wake up at 5AM just to start the god-forsaken process all over again.

I'm being completely honest when I say that I barely remember that past three and a half years of my life. From the moment I became a freshman until now, it's all been autopilot. There are some parts that I remember, like when I made my first new friend on Day One (thanks Sophia). But a vast majority of them were lost in transit.

So when I see a movie, no matter how bad it might be, no matter how distant the characters might be from real, I begin to wish I was them. I wanna save the day, get the girl, be the hero, and truly matter. I wanna be the rebel, the kid that goes out and enjoys life in the moment rather than locking himself in his room wishing things could be different. I wanna be that guy in the movies that sits on the roof of a tall building, staring up at the stars, happy that his life is in check.

This is what I call “Hero's Yearning Disorder”, because the more I watch, the more I yearn to be the person that makes a difference.