Him

A short personal story through love and life's complications.

We constantly argue but when we're not with each other we crave to be with each other, I don't understand what I feel, It could be love, which at the moment I think it is, I know it is. But how can two people who love each other so have so many arguments and disagreements? He makes me very happy, happy to the point that I never want to go back to what I used to be, which was that I was never really happy before I met him, but I was never really sad either. I would always bottle up my feelings, almost so with a baby bottle, y'know the ones that don't leak. I didn't show any of my emotion to anyone, not to my own mother who is my best friend. I would sometimes talk to my dogs, knowing they aren't judging me or laughing at me, mainly because they cant understand me. I gave out advice daily, to family & friends, they said I should write a column in a newspaper I was that good, the problem was I never took any of my own advice. Before I met him, I couldn't remember the last time I cried, I think I went about 2-3 years without crying and now I seem to do it quite a bit, I'm scared that if it keeps happening I'm going to use all my tears. He can instantly make me laugh, its like he has a button that's linked to my brain that he pushes every-time I'm upset, and then I realise, its not logic.. its just love.

If you start to watch enough romantic movies, you’ll start to believe that perfect someone is out there waiting for you. He's just one comical scene away. Reality check: There’s a lot of fish in the sea, but that doesn't mean the perfect bass isn't waiting. Although I have only fell in love this once, I stand by the phrase, “love happens when you least expect it too.” I was at a bad place in my life when I met him, not a major 'I'm an alcoholic bad' but for me it has was a bad experience in my life so far. A former ex screwed me up, it really got to me because that's never happened to me before, I never let anything like that happen to me before but it did, I got caught on his fishing rod. I started a phase of drinking alcohol like it was going out of extinction, 1 litre bottles in a night, I honestly don't know why I never got hospitalised. I took a few drugs, which I am ashamed of, so much so that I didn't want to even write it. I down-graded myself, became one of those girls I hated, one of the sheep who take drugs, smoke, drink, sleep around just for attention. So for me it was a low point in my life and he brought me back. I now more than ever believe in the commonly use motto, “everything happens for a reason”.

We first met at a night club that I would describe as my local, The Reading Rooms. He turned up one night, I remember seeing him for the first time thinking 'look at the cutie'. He was tall, dark blonde curly hair and slightly over weight, but he stood out of the crowd, I could instantly tell he was different. We didn't speak straight away, it wasn't until he was introduced to me through a friend who was also a friend of his. And that was that, history in the making. OK that's not completely true, it wasn't love at first sight. But he didn't charm me, he was shy, I could tell he wasn't used to girls showing an interest in him because one of the first things he said to me was, “Want to see a magic trick?” I said yes in a flash, I love magic. He whipped out a ten pence piece and did his trick, I was very impressed. And that was that. Nothing more happened between us, which at the time I thought was just another guy to add to the flirtation list, until the next time I seen him. We were at the local and it was quite far on in the night which meant we were both slightly drunk, which thinking back was definitely the reason that gave him the confidence to do what he did: he asked me if he could talk to me privately down at the bottom of the garden, I questioned him but finally gave in and went with him, he sat me down on the soaked wet logs and stared at me with disappointment in his eyes which I immediately thought I had done something wrong, “What is it? Why are you looking at me like that?” he sighed and replied “Are you really are lesbian?” I burst out laughing in shock as to what he just asked me and shouted the “Nooooo” on top of my laugher, once I had stopped I asked why, he smiled at me and said, “Because I would never have been able to do this.” And he kissed me, it was soft yet powerful and I felt like no-one else was in that garden apart from us two, I could smell his aftershave which was slightly worn out but I remember thinking, ugh he smells amazing I want more, I need more of him. Now.. the rest is history.

We dated for a while, he didn't have a job so I use the word dated loosely as it has no real impact on our dating. All we really did was sit in, watch movies, listen to music and talk like we had all the time in the world. I didn't once get bored of it, I enjoyed every minute I spent with him. We both noticed straight away that we have tons in common. And what struck me was that we were completely comfortable with each other, he would pee with the door open which clearly indicates that he was at ease with me more than I him. But I was open with him, I was very content and happy. I opened up to him about a lot of stuff, the death of my gran & granddad mainly, as this was an issue I refused to talk about, also about how I am psychic sensitive , which I couldn't tell anyone about. Once I started talking and opening up I couldn't stop, he listened to me and didn't judge me, he liked me just the way I was. We were dating for a few months and the whole time we didn't sleep together, I wanted to, I assure you of that, but I didn't, I felt that if I were to sleep with him it wouldn't be innocent any more, that's what we were like together, two teenagers who didn't even know what sex was. Which was great. Until I started to get freaked out at the thought I was actually happy, I couldn't allow myself to be happy. How could I? I didn't know how to let myself be happy. That's when I broke it off with him and started playing around with the former ex I have refereed too.

A few months later, I came to the realisation that the whole time I was pissing about, I could never really get over that fact that the only time I was happy was when I was with him and I stupidly broke it off. I thought I had fucked it. Whenever something happened or I heard something funny all I wanted to do was tell him all about it, but I couldn't. We were nothing. I went to Amsterdam with a friend a couple of months later, and that was the best thing I have done in my life so far, I needed to clear my head and think about what I really wanted. I got lost one day when I was on my own, took a wrong turn down an alley off the Red Light District and I ended up wandering around aimlessly for two and a half hours in the pouring rain. I didn't mind though, I liked the idea of being lost. I suppose that’s who I am though, I've always been consumed with wanderlust, for as long as I can remember. When I was pondering about, that's when I began to really think about him, I remembered back to how happy I was when I was with him, I hadn't forgot, but I really thought about it this time, and I realised I was an idiot for not being with him. I thought to myself; life is short, unpredictable and you’re only given a small window of opportunity to complete your aspirations,so do something about it. When I got back from Amsterdam the first thing I wanted to do was see him and tell him I wanted to be with him, but I had to wait until Hogmany to see him. I saw him standing in the local, and I couldn't believe my eyes, he had lost about 3-4 stone, and I instantly though to myself, I never even noticed how big he was before until now, and I didn't care Id want him either way. When I plucked up the courage to speak to him, I told him all my feelings, explained everything. He sat patiently listening to me like he always did. When I'd finished blabbing my heart out he softly said, “I never gave up on you, I couldn't, my heart wouldn't let me.” And I knew then that this was going to be my love story.

Its been 2 years now and every-time we argue, every-time I am on my own, every-time I think about the old single me, I think to myself, Is this what love is? Can love be something more stronger? And then I have times like, where nothing in the world matters, lying in silence with him trying to sleep, I feel safe. Lying in the darkness, knowing he cant stay over, knowing that he is going to leave me, but he is staying with me until I fall asleep, watching my deep breathing and my eyes fluttering whilst I daze of into a unknown dream. That’s when I know, I do love him. Love is confusing, it makes you question things you'e never felt before. You have to do what makes you happy. It’s cliché, but a proven truth in life. It might not make you rich, but there’s nothing more valuable than waking up to what you love. If you have an affinity for picking up the squished chewing gum off of the pavements and that’s what brings you joy in life, all the power to you, go for it. That's what I'm doing with my happiness.

We argued again today, this time it ended up being serious, y'know the “going on a break” kind of serious like Ross and Rachel from friends... that point in a relationship. We've argued about plenty of things that don't matter, washing, cleaning, the way he is so rough handed and clumsy, spilling almost every glass of water he has. Its just the things like that that you realise are not important until you have a stomper of an argument. The thing we argue about the most is sex. Stupid old traditional sex. I sometimes wish I was celibate, where sex doesn't control you. Everything is always about sex in this world, is publicised so that it looks appealing. Today's society's have made sex something cheap. OK yes it is good, if your with the right person and I realised that in my experience, sex is nothing. I slept with a few people before him and every-time I did, it didn't feel right, it felt like I was doing it, Just because. I didn't enjoy sex, I never did until I met him. So this is what we argue about the most, sex. At the end of the day, I can easily see myself growing old with him, getting married, maybe having children, so I don't understand why its such a big issue in our relationship. Both halves are to blame, His libido is very high, very high, its not his fault for being attracted to me, it sure is a good thing, isn't it? But I don't have a high libido or a low libido.. mines is just, normal. We have sex enough, 3-4 times a week, which I think is enough. It annoys me because older people who comment are under the illusion that “us young ones nowadays” are at it like rabbits. And that is not the case. There are a few reasons is to why I don't have sex, Every. Single. Day. Firstly, I sometimes get very sore when we are having sex, y'know on the inside, like he is prodding something that isn't meant to be prodded. Secondly, I sometimes just don't want to because I have a busy day, and perhaps I should make time for it, but not on the days when I only have a ten minutes, I don't want power sex, we aren't super heroes with super fast power to speed through it, even if we did, I wouldn't want that. And lastly, the big one; sometimes after sex, I feel disgusting. I feel as if I have just done something morally wrong and I should be punished for it, I feel dirty and guilty, it makes me want to be sick. And I don't know why. Now, I'm not a genius but surely that is not right to be feeling that after you've just had sex, especially with someone you love? It only lasts for as long as I let it last, but sometimes it grabs hold of your insides and doesn't let go, to the point where I have become very tearful. I have only spoke in confidence about reason three to one person, and she suggested I go to a therapist about it, but I still haven't, I don't want anyone to know. All three reasons he knows about, which angers me because does he really want me to feel that way?(Referring to reason three) I mean does he really want the “love of his life” to feel as if she is going to vomit out of her own disgust? Even more so because I want to make love to Him but as though I cant because of this stupid feeling. 

There are more good things than bad in our relationship, he annoys me to the point where I want to smack his jaw... but then again so does my sister, and I love her to the death. I can see myself with him, I cant wait to spend my life with him, I sometimes wish that my life would go fast so I can do all the things I want to do in life, which is a bonus because all the things I want to do; travel Europe, travel America, travel the world, volunteer in Africa, the list goes on, he wants all those things too. We can do them together. I think of all these things that I am going to do and I cant not imagine him in my life. He makes me a better person than I already am, he makes me want to push myself, give myself power of my own mind. Why not have someone in your life that makes you feel that way? You get consumed in your relationships and most of the time your brain doesn't click after the "honeymoon period". I know I did, not realising all the little things he does for me, scrapes his last few pennies together for petrol money to come see me because I miss him or reads me to sleep because the sound of his voice is the only thing that helps me sleep or walks me home to my door at night when he doesn't have his Vespa Scooter, all of these things he does for me are constant, and I don't even realise what I have in front of me. "The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous" The famous Carrie Bradshaw played by Sarah Jessica Parker said that. He is consumed with love, I can see the way he looks at me when I'm prancing around like a fairy or in deep conversation or even just when we are in silence reading together he'll give me this look, just to let me know how much he cares. Its those things that matter in a relationship. F**k the arguments, forget about them minutes later, because if you don't, you'll ruin your day, or even your relationship... and what's frowning at each other got over laughing with each other? Nothing, laugher is most definitely the best medicine. Sometimes you just need to take a step outside, take a deep breathe and realise who you are and who you want to be with.

She loves him, she loves him not. She loves him, she loves him not. She loves him... she loves him. 

Author's Note

I would love it if I could get feedback from someone I don't know, any feedback will be great from grammar to text. Anything will help me. Thank you.

Reviews

[ms. barrie]

Very insightful, moving, not to mention engaging
Write in it's realistic imagery, and delving into
The emotional roller coaster protagonist' s heart...
First sentence in the second paragraph...amazingly
Profound!

I agree, very well written...enjoyed the inner conversational
Phrasing...hopeful yet cynical, conflict between the heart
And the mind. Very relatable.

Grammar isn't my strong suit, but nothing glared out
At me. The end...adds impact...due to that annoyingly
Never ending question

Thank you for sharing! You have quite a talented pen! :)

[northernsoulgal]

Thank you so much, you made my night.. my whole week probably! :)

[ms. barrie]

You're very welcome, was an enjoyable read. And likewise...
It warms one's soul when they hear that they made someone smile :)) xo

[Tai Ryens]

Forgive me for being rather late with my review (months later and I still haven't reviewed most of my RR list, how frustrating!), and I must say, I truly enjoyed this. You do a wondrous job writing such an insightful and intriguing piece that showcases your relationship and the journey it took to get to the point where you are now. Rarely do I find myself enjoying short stories told in the method by which you tell your story, as it tends to come off as more of a monologue when people don't know what they're doing, but you clearly know what points you are trying to make when you showcase everything that had went on to make sure your life became the way it is now.

It reminds me vaguely of "The Leap" by Louise Erdrich, one short story in which I particularly like the way the narrator decides to tell her story.

Regarding criticisms, I really don't have much to say besides two things: watch for your apostrophes, and watch your word phrasing. There were a few errors here and there regarding both of the aforementioned but nothing so bothersome that it actually broke the flow of the story you told. I'd suggest rereading your own piece and adding or rephrasing when it's due.

All in all, you tell an intriguing story regarding how you came to be in the moment you are in now and all the things you've learned during your journey. Your thoughts are very well portrayed and the anxiety you feel every time you argue is normal, along with the curiosity and wondering if there truly is something out there better than what you have. Well done.

[yusuf_aofficial]

Very well written. Very personal and deep. Keep up the great work.