Situation

Neon light above me glows

Time for me to go back home

On the road and for me to roam

But I’m at nowhere and couldn’t reach my goal

Pity on my unconquerable soul

Have to accept that I’m violent prone

My head is going to explode like a bomb

Couldn’t pretend anymore like a stone

Hate inside my heart tolls

Restricted emotionally by my own

Thoughts reverberate and inside my heart darkness loams

Should I electrocute myself with so many Ohms?

My life is some kind of freak show?

Value of my morality is low

The reason behind this unfolds

Nothing’s left, honestly is what I have sold

 

Nyi

( 22.5.2010 )

Reviews

[R. Nella]

An interesting piece. Some rhyming, some not, but you get the emotion across well.

I am curious about the choice of the word 'Ohms'. Ohms is a measure of resistance, whereas current, measured in Amps, is what will actually kill you. Was this an intentional? If so, you get the dual meaning of resistance of the body to electrocution, and resistance to the act itself... subtle, geeky as hell, but perhaps entirely intentional.

[Dinesh Sairam]

Glitches first - Not done in meter, Inconsistent rhymes, "Should I electrocute myself with so many Ohms? and My head is going to explode like a bomb" - don't seem as poetic as the other lines.

Praises - You've delivered the meaning quite exquisitely. Other than those two lines, the imageries were pretty good. Another nice piece from you :) Keep writing.

[Julijana Velichkovska]

neon light... ohms... electrocute... cool ans modern! I like it :)

[Coyote Poetry]

The poem have many hidden stories. I like the words you used in the story. Many struggles are being fought. Last line was powerful. A outstanding poem.
Coyote

[Augustus]

Well, you've conveyed the thought with clarity...and some expressions were particularly eye catching.
"Pity on my unconquerable soul" is very memorable although I think its slightly wrong grammatically (You'll probably want to write "Pity my unconquerable soul"). The irony of the unconquerable soul asking for pity is a wonderful poetic expression.
However, what I felt in this poem was that the rhyme was too ostentatious and to be honest quite unnecessary. It is certainly possible to convey your emotions with supreme force without the slightest attempt at rhyming two lines. So many people on the Cafe are masters at that.
For instance consider the lines
"Thoughts reverberate and inside my heart darkness loams
Should I electrocute myself with so many Ohms? "
First of all it must be "looms" not "loams". And in the second line, the word "Ohms" seems to be dragged in just to make it rhyme with "loams" (which is incorrect anyway). Moreover, the concept of electrocuting with "Ohms" is also not a technically correct expression. It doesn't matter how many Ohms of resistance your circuit has. Its the current that passes through it that does the damage.
I feel that you can go a much longer way if you do not constrain yourself with such unnecessary rhyme. I'm sure you'll only get better with time! :)

[Ashley.M.E]

this is really good, I read some of the comments and I think I'll just let them to all the describing. I myself couldn't get into it like most poems the flow was off for me. Other then that I liked it alot.

[J.Black]

Hmmm, not bad! Some rhyming seems a little off... like you just picked a word to stick in there... some don't even flow! I dont know if this was your intentions, so I am not here to criticize and judge on that! As for the message, well done.

[R E Tree]

Suicide is dreadful but this poems expresses the pressure inside and out. Its not just about someone losing the will to live its more then that it describes emotions for not achieving a goal. It happens all the time we live and learn

[nyi]

ok..i think i have to mention this line
'Should I electrocute myself with so many Ohms?'
I wrote this intentionally..and because 'Ohms' fits as a rhyme..what i want to say is that..let say..according to the poem that the person try to commit suicide but he didn't really want to do it..but on the other hand, he couldn't withstand the pressure anymore,everyone knows 'Ohms' is the resistance, i think you could figure out my point now?

[Sweet_pale_cacophony]

Emotions contained within can flood in at a certain moment...and then the rush of feelings,emotions are so strong that you really cant help it...
i have a suggestion that you look through this line Should I electrocute myself with so many Ohms? ...again...i am not very sure if it fits in well...

[...]

... it's an immensely intense and an immensely dark poem ... but it's very courageous as the narrator seems to be brutally introspective as he examines his tendency for violence ... the references to hatred and self-destruction are also brutal ... and so powerful that it seems like this is actually an expression of helplessness and pain ... this poem has quite an impact also because it makes one wonder about the value of life ... i think that when we lead incredibly tough lives we question the value of our own existence ... and it is hard to be brave ... but then there is no other way out but being brave ... a very thought-provoking write ... keep writing ...