Psychic Damage

negative emotions

 

Everyday I’m so tense and gloom

Like I have no sense of humor

Like suffering from invisible wounds

So deep that they would not show

So dark that away they would not go

 

Pity on my fragile life

Dreams are scattered through the fight

Though I eat and sleep, I’m so weak

So pale and so soon, I’ll be far from my peak

It’s hard to swallow, my own sorrow

I should sit back and wallow

I should better let it follows

 

Try to be voice of reason

My mind’s like chaos region

Cannot filter my actions from feelings

Wishes locked inside, I’m still reeling

 

Nyi

( 11.6.2010 )

Author's Note

I want to say that thank you very much for reading my writings...please leave any comments what you feel about this..i won't be offended...and if there are and was any mistakes and 'wrong' writing..i apologize..i want to say regarding to structures of poems and they way i write...i studied engineering during college and now working in business field..and the last time i took lessons for English formally was during High School...and English is not my mother language..so you might find my writing quite weird or lame even..but i just want to write very much that i wrote..hopefully i would improve...thanks again for reading this..

Reviews

[Devons]

This is a nice little compact examination of the inner turmoil of the mind. The negativity and darkness within the cerebral and the spiritual aspects of existence are complex and often inexplicable, effecting many normal functions, reactions and reason in every day life. I think you portrayed that here quite well.
The drawbacks of the writing I won't go into here, but I will message you concerning that which I think might help.
But a good poem on the whole.

[Joshua Donahue]

i really liked this. i can relate to this one at times in my life (especially when times of writer's block). very poetic and wordy. good!

[thedaydreamer]

Describes the inner turmoil that you can't just get rid of. The frustration, the angst just adds up till the end.

I will point where you can do some re-writing.
"Everyday I’m so tense and gloom"... it should be "gloomy" instead
"So deep that they would not show"...they would not show "up"
"I should sit back and wallow"..."wallow" in what? i think the sentence is incomplete. Complete the idea.
"I should better let it follows"... it should be "follow"
""Try to be voice of reason"... Trying to a voice of reason ? I couldn't get it.

There are some good lines that I liked...
"
Cannot filter my actions from feelings
Wises locked inside, I’m still reeling"

Keep writing.

:)

[Dinesh Sairam]

Almost all of the dark part of emotions portrayed here. It's soulfully perfect. But psychically, it needs some make-up, lol. Keep writing.

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

This is a sad poem. There is such a sense of despair. The worst part is that it doesn't seem to have hit the bottom yet.

[James Watts]

Negativity is a poison that will pollute every part of your soul and birth hatred. By releasing it into your writing you are preventing that from happening. The release is always better than the pent up. Nice write.

[Ashley.M.E]

I agree with Devons. She always leaves some of the best comments. So i'll just let her do the talking xD. I really like this piece myself though.

[R E Tree]

You open out you emotions in the first stanza so clear and understanding. The line "Pity on my fragile life" shows you feel you have no self-worth and with your life being so fragile you feel you can easily be overcome. I do like that line as I can relate to it a lot. I think the poem has been well planned and by that it's stunning.

[Dupree]

This is a very negative poem yet relatable. Personally I loved it

[J.Black]

Dont apologize for not having English as your degree of study- that doesn't mean you can't write! This was really well said, in fact I think it may be one of your best. It didn't seem forced and it told a tale of all the negative emotions, how they left you with a mentality that may be portrayed as crazy! Love the darkness.

[Rory CJ Frankson]

********************************************************************** All Stars ********************

I should sit back and wallow
I should better let it follows

This, caught my attention. I heard something in me and respond. Not like it might be your style but I'll give it to you. As I liked the way it sound in my head...

I should sit back and wallow
To better let wain, that follow ( like the gloom a shadow)

**Should and Would** are interchangeable. Change ups, are good. So as not have to repeat words or phrases, in the same stanza. Ebb an flow, is important in the reading. Your content stays right in the measure of the theme chosen. The bleak poem in depressed state, is well loved. As most everyone, suffers this at some point or other. I builds relationship. This you made very clear. The pain and torture of self. The only other is follow[s] ending second stanza. Why I show you that change up I made. Follows with an [s] can't be used, in this your context.

I really like this poem it paints the painful image, very well. Never be afraid to go back and re-work your poems. Many times after re-reading, and at a different day. You see it differently, I think it would be worth your going over this again.
Post me if you do and I'll come check out your changes. I'll library this, so I can compare them, if you do.... Take care, Ro 11/06/10 9:05am.
It is very good nyi ;)

****************************************************************888 now smile 888**************