Prologue
A Chapter by The Fallen
Prologue The room was dark. The only provided light source, for the moment, was the dim glowing of the green liquid, which was contained by, four, overly large test tubes. There was faint noises of machines creaking, and tubes sucking and pumping. These tubes protruded from the machines, were connected to what looked like naked, human bodies, inside the test tubes. Rusted, metal stairs connected from the floor and up to small plat forms around the test tubes, clearly dented from the being used by many different sets of feet. The room looked very old, in fact, as if it hadn't been used for years. There was crashes from outside the room, somewhere in the hallway, and then loud voices. The door to the room, burst open, and the bright florescent lights soon flickered to life, and three figures came into the room. "Allen, it's not time yet," Hissed the women of the small group. Lydia Scott was young, but slightly older looking, most likely in her thirties, and she was, what most men would refer to as, sexy. Her black heals, which matches the tight, black dress, underneath the white lab coat, clicked against the tiled floor. She pushed her black rimmed glasses up the bridge of her nose, and then brushed a strand of her brown hair, which was in a messy bun, away from her face. The man, which Lydia referred to as, Allen, cast his bright blue eyed gaze, to her. Allen Cress looked like he was nothing more than a teenager, maybe eighteen or nineteen, and doctors that didn't know him, often thought he was new at it, and just started into the practice. Allen was far from being new at this. He was about twenty-nine, and would being going on thirty in the next few days. He body build was average, not too buff, and not too skinny. His hair was a blonde, and cut neatly, which made him all the more good looking with the combo of his eyes. "And I've told you, Lydia, I'm done waiting," Allen replied, his voice hollow. "If we were to even think of doing this, Allen, there would be the dangerous possibility of losing everything. These subjects are our best success in years, Allen-" "And the reason that I want to take it to the next step, Lydia, is because they are so successful." Allen slipped his hand into his lab coat, turned his head away from Lydia, to look up at the test tubes. He tilted his head, and seemed to be studying the bodies inside them intently. Truthfully, he was only thinking of what should be done next, and trying hard, to ignore Lydia and not lose his temper. Losing his temper, usually caused small problems, which he would not be able to deal with right now. "Allen, would at least attempt to be reasonable. We need to take precautions. There are others out there that know about what we are doing and either want to interfere or stop it-" Lydia's words were cut off by a loud, crack, and her head, snapping to one side. She blinked, shock crossing her face, and slowly moved her head, which her right cheek was now bright red, to look at Allen. He hadn't taken his gaze off the test tubes, and the only way you could tell he had moved at all, was his right hand, still lifted in the air, from having back handed Lydia. Lydia composed herself, shut her mouth, moving her eyes down cast, and fiddled with the edge of one of the files that she was carrying. "That's something I specifically told you, not to worry about," Allen put his hand back into his pocket, and turned to the third man of the group. In all honesty, he'd forgotten the man's name, and didn't really care at the moment. "What's your input?" The silent man seem started that he was being talked too. He was a little short, compared to Lydia and Allen, and slightly awkward. His was skinny, and pale, and had slick, black hair. All in all, he was a very professional looking man. He glanced at Lydia, quickly, wondering how Allen could have possibly hit a girl, such as herself, and not be swooned by her, like he saw most of the male doctors and scientists were. He moved his gaze back to Allen. Then again, the silent man thought. All these doctors are very hansom. The majority of them looked young, even for some of their ages, like in the fifties and sixties, nothing like the silent man had ever seen before. It was as if they were literally, perfect." "Well, Dr. Cress, what Dr. Scott is said, is very much correct," He started, but then quickly added, "But I have reason to believe that you are also correct, the subjects are most very much successful enough, to possibly to go up a stage, ahead of schedule." "Very good to hear," Allen murmured to himself, and grinned, turning back to look at the tanks. "Then would you please, do the honours, of helping us proceed to the next stage." Lydia stifled a gasp, and silent man became fidgety. He almost seemed nervous, in fact. He nodded to Allen, and walked over to a small metal table which had small tubes filled with different colours of, glowing, liquid. He carefully took a syringe, and filled it up with some of the red liquid, and then walked back over to the human sized test tubes, and up the steps, to stand beside Allen. "Are you sure, sir?" The man asked Allen, reaching the syringe out as if to hand it to him. "Positive," Allen replied, nodding, and reached his hand out to take the syringe. "Well, I'm sorry to say you chose wrong, sir," Allen was going to turn and look at the man, a look of pure rage on his face, but before that could happen, the man suddenly had a gun in his hand and hit the base of it against Allen's head. Allen collapsed unconscious, his limp body causing the metal plat forms to shake. Lydia yelped, dropping the files, and spun around, running towards a red button near the door, her hand reached out desperately to press it. A gun shot rang out, and Lydia hit the floor, her hand just hitting the wall enough to tap the button, and smear against her own blood. Alarm sounds rang out through the room, and would do the same through the building. The silent man swore, mostly because the alarms had gone off, not the fact he'd shot Lydia out of his own fear. He'd promised himself he wouldn't have had to kill anyone. Seems that promise had been broken. He turned towards the test tubes, and places his hand on one of them, staring at of the "human" bodies. "Okay guys," He said. He wasn't sure if they could hear him, that possibly the liquid muffled their hearing, or the alarms were too loud, but he had a feeling they were able to hear. "Let's get you out of here."
© 2013 The Fallen
Author's Note
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~Felecia's chapter~ :3
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Featured Review
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I’ll start by saying that you have a very good sense of plot. You’re able to make the reader understand clearly what is happening when their attention is caught. You have a healthy amount of action in the story, and that helps to enhance the writing as well as interest the reader. Altogether, you have a good start, with a good amount of questioning for the reader to do. I just have some suggestions.
“The room was dark” is how you start out the story, and it sets up something that I’ve always told people to really pay attention to in writing: adjectives. Adjectives are like the clutter of storytelling. A bit of it is nice, but too much is unbearable. There’s a balance you need to find in adjectives, which is really hard to do. Adjectives can be hard to get rid of, but you can do it. You’ll be able to get rid of adjectives primarily by working with word choice. Find words that do not require adjectives to be effective. Sure, “The room was dark”, though “dark” is a bland word, is a decent use of an adjective, but look at this passage:
“The only provided light source, for the moment, was the DIM glowing of the GREEN liquid, which was contained by, four, OVERLY LARGE test tubes. There was FAINT noises of machines creaking, and tubes sucking and pumping. These tubes protruded from the machines, were connected to what looked like NAKED, human bodies, inside the test tubes. RUSTED, METAL stairs connected from the floor and up to SMALL plat forms around the test tubes, clearly dented from the being used by many different sets of feet.”
The description here, when you really look at each adjective, could be modified to reduce the amount of them. Adjectives are like speed bumps. They are extremely noticeable and interrupt the story sometimes. There are times when they are necessary. “Naked human bodies” for instance, is hard to describe without the word “naked”. The fact that the bodies are naked is also important to the story. Is the fact that the platforms are small? Probably not. Take out these unnessesary adjectives and instead try to find a balance with them. Otherwise, there are just too many.
And while we’re on the subject of adjectives, try to cut down on putting them alongside verbs. This is a bit problem when it happens, because it shows that the verb is not effective enough to show what is happening without an adjective. You did this a few times here:
“Allen was going to turn and look at the man, a look of pure rage on his face, but before that could happen, the man SUDDENLY had a gun in his hand and hit the base of it against Allen's head. Allen collapsed unconscious, his limp body causing the metal plat forms to shake. Lydia yelped, dropping the files, and spun around, running towards a red button near the door, her hand reached out DESPERATELY to press it.”
Though it is done rarely, you want to take out the adjectives and replace the verbs. So, “the man suddenly had a gun in his hand” would become some variation of, “the man had pulled his gun”. What verb you want to use is your choice, and what organization you want to use is as well, but get rid of those adjectives whenever you can when they’re paired with verbs.
Another thing that I noticed was the obvious description. You would immediately go from action to description. Like this:
“"Allen, it's not time yet," Hissed the women of the small group.
Lydia Scott was young, but slightly older looking, most likely in her thirties, and she was, what most men would refer to as, sexy. Her black heals, which matches the tight, black dress, underneath the white lab coat, clicked against the tiled floor.”
I would instead try to ease the description in. Don’t randomly start talking about her hair color, instead try to blend it in with action. “She pushed her auburn hair behind her ear”. This might help when it comes to alternating action and description of the characters. One thing I can never stand is when someone randomly begins to describe a character and interrupts the story completely.
You had a lot of description in the story as well, and though this was good, it was also random, and was not blended in well with the action. Find a way to make the story flow, without making the reader feel like they have been interrupted.
Other than that, there are a few grammar errors, but those can be easily corrected. Watch out for word repetition, and using the same word over and over, because this was also a problem when it came to variety in words. You used good word choice, but don’t use the same word more than once in just a few paragraphs.
So you have a good plot here, now you just need to get the writing down a bit. You’re halfway there. In the book, “On writing” by Stephen King, it is explained though that it is often good to write without a set plot. If you just write with an idea, the plot will come on its own. Try this out some time, and I think it will really improve your writing. Sometimes, if a plot is too solid, it doesn't seem natural.
Good job!
-Storyworker
Posted 10 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
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10 Years Ago
Thank you so much. I've personally never gotten a review on my writing, such as this, and I seriousl.. read moreThank you so much. I've personally never gotten a review on my writing, such as this, and I seriously appreciate it. What you've pointed out is actually very helpful to me and makes complete sense. I'm really glad you pointed these things outs and told me how to possibly fix them or change them. Thank you very much! And I'm glad you read and enjoyed
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10 Years Ago
Thanks! I'm glad I could help. :)
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10 Years Ago
No, thank you haha :D
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Reviews
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I like the idea but it seems like you're padding out the story and not getting to the good bits. I like to see a story unfold, but if you imagine the scene you've created the characters are standing around and talking. Instead of the conversations, jump to the action. I hear 'test tubes' and become interested but then lose interest when the characters talk.
Posted 9 Years Ago
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I’ll start by saying that you have a very good sense of plot. You’re able to make the reader understand clearly what is happening when their attention is caught. You have a healthy amount of action in the story, and that helps to enhance the writing as well as interest the reader. Altogether, you have a good start, with a good amount of questioning for the reader to do. I just have some suggestions.
“The room was dark” is how you start out the story, and it sets up something that I’ve always told people to really pay attention to in writing: adjectives. Adjectives are like the clutter of storytelling. A bit of it is nice, but too much is unbearable. There’s a balance you need to find in adjectives, which is really hard to do. Adjectives can be hard to get rid of, but you can do it. You’ll be able to get rid of adjectives primarily by working with word choice. Find words that do not require adjectives to be effective. Sure, “The room was dark”, though “dark” is a bland word, is a decent use of an adjective, but look at this passage:
“The only provided light source, for the moment, was the DIM glowing of the GREEN liquid, which was contained by, four, OVERLY LARGE test tubes. There was FAINT noises of machines creaking, and tubes sucking and pumping. These tubes protruded from the machines, were connected to what looked like NAKED, human bodies, inside the test tubes. RUSTED, METAL stairs connected from the floor and up to SMALL plat forms around the test tubes, clearly dented from the being used by many different sets of feet.”
The description here, when you really look at each adjective, could be modified to reduce the amount of them. Adjectives are like speed bumps. They are extremely noticeable and interrupt the story sometimes. There are times when they are necessary. “Naked human bodies” for instance, is hard to describe without the word “naked”. The fact that the bodies are naked is also important to the story. Is the fact that the platforms are small? Probably not. Take out these unnessesary adjectives and instead try to find a balance with them. Otherwise, there are just too many.
And while we’re on the subject of adjectives, try to cut down on putting them alongside verbs. This is a bit problem when it happens, because it shows that the verb is not effective enough to show what is happening without an adjective. You did this a few times here:
“Allen was going to turn and look at the man, a look of pure rage on his face, but before that could happen, the man SUDDENLY had a gun in his hand and hit the base of it against Allen's head. Allen collapsed unconscious, his limp body causing the metal plat forms to shake. Lydia yelped, dropping the files, and spun around, running towards a red button near the door, her hand reached out DESPERATELY to press it.”
Though it is done rarely, you want to take out the adjectives and replace the verbs. So, “the man suddenly had a gun in his hand” would become some variation of, “the man had pulled his gun”. What verb you want to use is your choice, and what organization you want to use is as well, but get rid of those adjectives whenever you can when they’re paired with verbs.
Another thing that I noticed was the obvious description. You would immediately go from action to description. Like this:
“"Allen, it's not time yet," Hissed the women of the small group.
Lydia Scott was young, but slightly older looking, most likely in her thirties, and she was, what most men would refer to as, sexy. Her black heals, which matches the tight, black dress, underneath the white lab coat, clicked against the tiled floor.”
I would instead try to ease the description in. Don’t randomly start talking about her hair color, instead try to blend it in with action. “She pushed her auburn hair behind her ear”. This might help when it comes to alternating action and description of the characters. One thing I can never stand is when someone randomly begins to describe a character and interrupts the story completely.
You had a lot of description in the story as well, and though this was good, it was also random, and was not blended in well with the action. Find a way to make the story flow, without making the reader feel like they have been interrupted.
Other than that, there are a few grammar errors, but those can be easily corrected. Watch out for word repetition, and using the same word over and over, because this was also a problem when it came to variety in words. You used good word choice, but don’t use the same word more than once in just a few paragraphs.
So you have a good plot here, now you just need to get the writing down a bit. You’re halfway there. In the book, “On writing” by Stephen King, it is explained though that it is often good to write without a set plot. If you just write with an idea, the plot will come on its own. Try this out some time, and I think it will really improve your writing. Sometimes, if a plot is too solid, it doesn't seem natural.
Good job!
-Storyworker
Posted 10 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
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10 Years Ago
Thank you so much. I've personally never gotten a review on my writing, such as this, and I seriousl.. read moreThank you so much. I've personally never gotten a review on my writing, such as this, and I seriously appreciate it. What you've pointed out is actually very helpful to me and makes complete sense. I'm really glad you pointed these things outs and told me how to possibly fix them or change them. Thank you very much! And I'm glad you read and enjoyed
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10 Years Ago
Thanks! I'm glad I could help. :)
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10 Years Ago
No, thank you haha :D
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engaging and well written. you have a vivid imagination and some clever ideas. i would suggest you invest a moment to go to your browser and pick up a feature called "spellchecker" it is confusing in places and needs attention....spell check will let you know immediately when there is a misspelled word... it is essential to writers!!!!!! (at least, to me) good job.
Posted 10 Years Ago
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10 Years Ago
Thanks Quin, I appreciate your review. I figured there was going to be a few mistakes in this chapte.. read moreThanks Quin, I appreciate your review. I figured there was going to be a few mistakes in this chapter that I wrote. I'll be sure to look over it soon and fix the mistakes
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Whoa, I really want to know what's up. The whole time I was reading it, I was like 'what's going to happen', 'who are these people?', 'whoa, he just smacked her'. It was a pretty intense prologue, and I give you props for you're awesome writing.
Posted 10 Years Ago
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10 Years Ago
This prologue was written by my friend Felecia. I am a you liked it tho :3
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10 Years Ago
No problem. Good job, Felecia ;)
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This was very interesting. I have to say that it was certainly modern, and what happened was not what I expected at all! :) I liked your suspense, and I am certainly excited for the next chapter. As I am sure has been pointed out before, There were a few spelling mistakes, simple ones, probably made from typing far too quickly. ;) Don't waste your time though, write the next one! Spelling errors or no, I would love to read it! Great job overall! :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) ;) :) ;) ;)
;)
Posted 10 Years Ago
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10 Years Ago
Thanks for readin!!
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10 Years Ago
Yeah, I was typing pretty fast, Fallen was getting impatient with me not finishing quick enough XD b.. read moreYeah, I was typing pretty fast, Fallen was getting impatient with me not finishing quick enough XD but thank you!
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10 Years Ago
:o I was not! I was sad because the first version got deleted and I wanted it back!
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10 Years Ago
Actually, yeah, thaat's true, you're right. I apologize :)
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10 Years Ago
It's okay :3
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10 Years Ago
You forgot to indent the paragraphs XD
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10 Years Ago
.-. My laptop won't let me. I'll do it lunch with the net book
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10 Years Ago
Your welcome! ;)
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This was so suspenseful and mysterious! I did not see that coming at all with the silent man! Definitely will be reading more!!! XD
Posted 10 Years Ago
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10 Years Ago
Hehe glad u liked it
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10 Years Ago
Yeah, I'm sneaky aren't it? ;)
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10 Years Ago
Felecia text me :3
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10 Years Ago
I don't have my phone....
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10 Years Ago
I'll explain why at lunch
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Very intense! Can't wait for the next chapter! :D
Posted 10 Years Ago
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10 Years Ago
Thank yoooou
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Very interesting. Tell Felicia that there were a few grammar mistakes structure errors, but other than that was very entertaining. I look forward to reading the next chapter. I don't accept read requests, so message me when you put it up, ok?
100/100
~Abbey Road
:)
Posted 10 Years Ago
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10 Years Ago
Felecia will be reading the reviews tomorrow :3 But I shalll message you! Thanks :)
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10 Years Ago
Thanks for letting me know! I'll attempt to find them a fix them hopefully soon! haha
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10 Years Ago
Sorry, I'm a total grammar Nazi!
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10 Years Ago
that's totally fine! So am I! I just suck at picking out my own grammar mistakes >.
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10 Years Ago
Haha, same here. :)
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OMG she did great! So much suspense!!! I loved it and I can't wait to see what happens next... >:3
Posted 10 Years Ago
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10 Years Ago
xD She always does great :3 Now we have to discuss the next chapter tomorrow!
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10 Years Ago
Was it really that good? XD I thought I kind of started slacking off around the end, cause I sort of.. read moreWas it really that good? XD I thought I kind of started slacking off around the end, cause I sort of had no idea how to end it at first XD But glad you like it Nora!
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10 Years Ago
I liked it! I think this will make for an amazing book :)
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10 Years Ago
Well, Fallen and i sure hope so :)
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Author
The FallenCanada
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Hey guys,
Thank you for checking out my profile! A couple things you should know about me;
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