I COLLECT LEGO WEAPONS

just a few random thoughts floating in my head

The milk shake maker is basically just a neutered blender.

 

 

Do you think a bulimic fly’s breath smells better or worse than a regular fly’s breath?

 

 

 If I was a bus, I would have major self-esteem problems. I would make them put a huge billboard on me and I would never take it off. Even at the auto body shop. Yea, I would be that guy.

 

 

My tongue is forever in the shower

 

 

The first thing I would do as president is put little green glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling of all tunnels in America.  Yea America, the next four years will be the wildest you've had since white powdered wigs were flying off the shelves. Think of it as a national midlife crisis. 

 

 

I always thought it was ironic that I completely flood my garden every time I try to make a rainbow with my hose.

 

 

When I wear sunglasses I feel like an adult trying to pass off as a giant mosquito.

 

 

I get a power rush when I scramble eggs.

 

 

I think Al-Quada is behind those needles in new shirts.

 

 

I can’t imagine what Casual Friday looks like in the Ferragamo headquarters.

 

 

I collect Lego weapons.

 

 

Which came first, the helicopter or the blender? Either way somebody probably feels their idea was ripped off.

 

 

Little plastic mazes with the metal ball in the middle: Gods apology to third grade councilors for make children so annoying.  

 

 

How do you tell someone that their blimp is much, much bigger than other blimps?

 

 

Every time I look at my deodorant stick I start worrying that my armpits are going bald.

 

 

I think God should have put nutritional and allergy information on the peels of fruits and vegetables…may contain traces of orange

 

 

I like British people, there remind me of raisins who haven’t accepted the fact that they aren't grapes anymore

 

 

Don't let the smiling faces on those commercials fool you, absolutely nobody likes coconut milk.

 

 

Am I the only one who thinks fire hydrates look like… never mind, forget I said anything, ok… just go to the next damm joke.

 

 

 

The Harry Potter series was responsible for raising the world’s literacy by two grades… T9 was responsible for fixing that aberration.

 

 

Zoo keepers are the Gestapo of the animal kingdom

 

 

Nature’s way of telling us we’re fat, slobbery American pig’s who’ve lost all concept of portion control: brain freeze

America’s way of saying “we don't give a crap”: dollar meals

 

 

Sometimes I fill the ice cube tray with clear Jell-O. It’s my way of keeping everyone on their toes.

 

 

I was a bully as a kid. I wasn't a simple brute, though, I was a chess playing mastermind. I read self-esteem books and joined anti-bullying programs to outmaneuver all their possible defenses.

 

 

I'm pretty sure foxes don't believe in god

 

 

Animal least likely to get a date: daddy long legs

 

 

When two countries get into a fight, I think everyone from both sides should line up opposite each other and have a massive red-rover red-rover competition. The winner gets the other country. That's basically what war used to be anyway, just with swords. 

 

 

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link

-bicycle stealing academy