Sleepover (Age Six)

Sleepover (Age Six)

A Chapter by Melissa

Barbie faces and Care Bears covered the floor.
I was the only one without a sleeping bag. 
I placed my teddy bear on the bed.  So high, alone.
A midnight snack?  Okay.  I’ll set my Barbie watch (with the plastic straps) for 12:00 AM.

They wouldn’t wake up.

Whispers of Elizabeth’s name.
Tickles given with my arm stretching as far as it could.
An ‘accidentally’ dropped teddy bear over the side of the bed.
Lost amid the blankets and the darkness—not a budge or a stir. 

Black silence. 

In. Out. In. Out.  (From somebody deeply sleeping across the room.) 
Should I get out of bed?  Shake her until she wakes up? 
In. Out. In. Out.
She wanted me to wake her up, right?
In. Out. In. Out.
She might be mad at me if I don’t…
In. Out. In. Out.
Maybe I’ll give it a few minutes. Try again in a little while . . .
In. Out.
In… Out.

The next morning:
    I didn’t feel anything last night, she told me.
    You should have pinched me, she told me.
    No, we didn’t get a midnight snack without you, she told me.

---OR---

She told me in the morning I should have pinched her to wake her up but I always wondered if they got a midnight snack without me.
 



© 2008 Melissa


Author's Note

Melissa
Which ending do you prefer? Any suggestions for alternate ways to end this?

My Review

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Featured Review

In the options you provide, the first one works better.

But if the last option were broken into two sentences as so:

"She told me in the morning I should have pinched her to wake her up.

I always wondered if they got a midnight snack without me."

then it could be a formidable rival to your first option.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed this one.

Posted 15 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

In the options you provide, the first one works better.

But if the last option were broken into two sentences as so:

"She told me in the morning I should have pinched her to wake her up.

I always wondered if they got a midnight snack without me."

then it could be a formidable rival to your first option.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed this one.

Posted 15 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

the first one. it has the same tone, the other one has the wrong flow.

Posted 15 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I like the first one better. Best to go with your first instincts, I always say.

Very nice piece!

Posted 15 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on December 18, 2008
Last Updated on December 23, 2008


Author

Melissa
Melissa

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