THE TALE OF MILLIE GRUMPWITCH

A rather silly tale of the demise of a grumpy old witch.

Millie Molly Gumpwitch of Gilly Golly Down
Went out one foetid morning to tour the local town,
She wanted some ingredients for her magic Millie pot
And that is what she asked for, and that is what she got.

The ordinary folks who went to the pretty local town
Avoided all the creatures from Gilly Golly Down
But mostly in their fear they avoided Missy Grumpwitch
For they knew she was magician, a sleuth and dreadful b***h.

They didn’t want to mess with her for they would be the loser,
She got angry when quite sober but she was a famous boozer
And her temper was ferocious when she’d had a pint or more,
And she always drunk her ale in multiples of four.

She sauntered through the township streets, her cloak of flowing black,
Her purchases wrapped loosely in a stinking hessian sack,
She smiled both here and there, but everybody knew
You couldn’t trust her smiling from here to distant Crewe.

When she got back home she killed the cat from over there,
She teased the local doggy and then cruelly pulled its hair,
She beat her neighbour madly with a roughened elder stick
And when nobody was looking she gave a mighty kick.

Then night-time fell and Millie got her rusty cauldron out,
She filled it up with water from her kettle’s steaming spout,
She dropped in her ingredients, and goodness they did smell,
For they were decomposing like a corpse trapped in a well.

Then the spell from her old spell book she chanted soft and loud,
Her chin was lifted upwards though her nose was kind of bowed,
She begged the spirits “Come down at the orders of this witch!”
But no-one came and nothing stirred for the loathsome ancient b***h.

Now Millie Molly Grumpwitch had a temper hot as fire
And the lack of this attendance filled her evil heart with ire,
“Come down, old Satan, come at the orders from this crone
Or I will visit you in Hades, flesh and blood and bone!”

The devil heard the threat and he shivered in his shoes,
For he couldn’t bide the woman and her tendency to booze,
So he called his demons to him with an order loud and clear
And sent them down to Millie with a crate of magic beer.

Now Millie Molly Grumpwitch got drunk that dreadful night,
She got into a dizzy, she got into a plight,
She couldn’t see quite straight and it got her into trouble
Seeing things in duplicate, seeing bloody double!

For coming through the midnight through Gilly Golly Down
Was a jolly fatman singing, a happy circus clown
And he saw Millie dancing wildly under the drunken midnight sky
And fell in love so swiftly with the twinkle in her eye.

He went to court her laughing and she slapped his joyous face,
She kicked him in the bollocks, it was a shame and a disgrace,
She kicked him with such vigour and with such long-learned art
That the pressure in his stomach made him erupt into a fart.

It shocked her did the noxious stench of that discharge,
It filled her lungs with toxins and made her eyes go large,
And such was her distress on the dreadful poisoned night
That she fell into her cauldron whilst the flame was still alight.

It couldn’t have been hotter, the fall couldn’t have been slicker
As the heat of her concoction filled her white but greying knickers,
And as the night grew older she screamed and screamed and screamed
And everyone for miles around thought they must have dreamed.

Then the spell that she had cast, the one that once had failed
Brought spirits from the underworld and their ghostly features paled,
For Millie lay inside a bath of foetid steaming muck
And as a drunken hussie she sure as sure was stuck.

The leader of the Satanic host, an ogre they called Dave
Saw what was what and who was who, and gave a mighty wave
And Millie Molly Grumpwitch vanished in a trice,
Turned magically by demons into one of Satan’s mice.

It plagued the land for miles around, but it was only small
And the dog that she had kicked caught it up against a wall,
It barked and grinned and swallowed old Milly swiftly whole,
Then sauntered off so arrogant and weed against a pole.

And so we come at last to the ending of this tale,
The dog lived long and happily though its eyesight soon did fail
And deep inside it’s canine gut there lived the mousey witch
A magical piece of nonsense, a tormented little b***h