49. PREPARING FOR A MOVIE

It seems that the film of Ursula's book is all systems go!

When Ursula opened the door after it was unexpectedly knocked she was shocked when the very ordinary looking middle-aged woman standing out there dressed warmly because of the cold of a November day announced herself as Bubbles Brastrap.

“I’ve finally heard,” she said in a very ordinary voice with the slightest hint of possible Irish heritage, “it’s just been announced that the film is go, go, go and I’m to play your heroine! I thought I’d best pop along and see how we gel seeing as Terry’s got to be in Brumpton for a press conference!”

“Busty Brastrap? Oh, I remember… come on in,” invited Ursula.

It had been well over a year since her meeting with her agent Laura Pinkerton and she’d begun to believe that the whole idea of filming The Bedroom Bonanza was dead and forgotten, so she could be excused for forgetting the ex-porn star’s name.

“”It seems to have taken a long time...” she murmured.

Busty removed her coat because it was warm in the terraced cottage where Ursula had been born and rather supposed that she would eventually die. It wasn’t so long since she’d had gas central heating installed and she loved being warm. After all, she told herself, she wasn’t far short of being seventy and her bones were starting to feel the cold.

“It’s the time they take to find funding,” Busty told her, and now that her coat was removed Ursula got more than an inkling why she was called by that forename.

“Tea?” asked Ursula.

“That would be lovely!” replied Busty, “you don’t by any chance have Earl Grey do you?”

“I do believe I have,” smiled Ursula, “Primrose, that’s my daughter, gave me an assortment of different teas last Christmas and, my goodness, that’s the best part of a year ago!”

“Then that would be double-lovely,” Busty assured her. “I love these little terraced cottages! They’ve got so much character. All I’ve got is a flat in the suburbs, and though it’s probably bigger than this place it seems poky in comparison.”

“What did you want to know?” asked Ursula, checking some baking that was well on its way in her oven and then making a pot of tea using her visitor’s preferred type.

“I thought … I’ve done more films than I care to think of,” sighed her visitor, “and most of them are not the sort of thing a woman can be too proud of. But this is to be different. I read the book and I really do get it, how you have created a character who is in search of love rather than a long-term relationship, who is in love with sex if not in love with men per se. But I’ve a feeling that whoever directs it, if it’s not Terry, will be tempted to turn it into smut, and smut it most certainly is not...”

“Er … yes,” agreed Ursula, and wondered who on Earth Terry might be.

“It’s the vicar who interests me,” confessed Busty thoughtfully, “he’s a wonderful combination of the spiritual and the Earthly, if you see what I mean. He’s got to be played straight and without innuendos. You’ve written him straight and that’s the way Justin’s got to play him or it’ll be just another tenth rate porno, and I’ve had my belly full of those.”

“I’ve not...” began Ursula.

“Seen any of my back catalogue? You’ve not missed much! Humping handsome young man after handsome young man … it gets to be so boring. I couldn’t begin to calculate how many fake orgasms I’ve created for the camera!”

“Really?” Ursula knew that she was out of her depth, but she decided not to let her ignorance show too obviously. “I don’t think I’ve even created one, but then there’s been no camera involved in my love life,” she said.

“I see Gertrude as a disillusioned woman,” continued Bubbles, “a bit like the real me, but without the false glamour of a seedy film studio! She feels that she’s been abused because the early men in her life have either moved on to a younger model when she got her first wrinkles or, sod them, died while she was still interested...”

“Gertrude is a bit like that,” agreed Ursula.

“And that, I think, is a bit like every woman,” declared Busty, “not exactly down-trodden but in need of something a bit stronger than empty promises and a broken heart!”

“Yes, yes, you seem to have hit the nail on the head,” agreed Ursula.

“And I won’t be depending too much on these!” grinned her visitor, indicating her adequate bosom with both open hands. “They’ve have had more film time than I care to think of, and if they don’t get any more I wouldn’t shed a tear.”

“Oh,” murmured Ursula, almost lost for words. She remembered she had enjoyed writing at least one chapter in which her heroine was as good as naked, and didn’t really want any of her creative content cut out because an ageing porn star considered that she had done too much of that kind of thing in the past.

“Now Justin,” continued Bubbles, “Justin Bodyline, the vicar, he’s a decent enough sort. I’ve played opposite him in a whole series of light romances and it’s really hard to tell that he’s anything but a hard loving macho male with an excessive appetite for women, women and yet more women, but in real life he’s nothing of the sort. He lives with Guy … and they’ve been together since the sixties, so it’s long term, if you know what I mean.”

“He’s…?” Ursula stumbled over the question.

“Gay as a child in clover!” laughed Bubbles, “but such a sweetie. And he’ll make a superb vicar because he’s got quite a serious spiritual side to him. He was even in a church choir until they found out what he did back then for a living! Would there be another cup of tea in that pot?”

There was, and Ursula poured it.

“So the film’s actually going to be made?” she asked.

“It most certainly is! And I’ve made it quite clear they can scratch my name out of the cast list if they’re going to mess it up,” Bubbles told her, “I want this to be a serious movie about an issue that so many women feel echoes of in their own lives. And because of it so many women give up on their sex lives, their love lives if you prefer that way of looking at it, and spend their later years dusting, polishing and wondering what might have been if Bert or Joe or Justin had lived just a little bit longer or had refused to bugger off with their lacy-knickered secretaries! And sometimes lace can feel so uncomfortable, don’t you think?”

“I think you understand exactly what I was trying to say,” Ursula told her, “it’s been a real pleasure meeting you, it really has. I must confess I was worried that the lowest common denominator would be the rule the film-makers might use.”

“Well, I’m on your side,” Bubbles told her, “now tell me: is there a nice little country pub near here?”

“There are one or two,” said Ursula, “but the nearest one is the Crown and Anchor.”

“Then if you’ve got half an hour to spend, how about me taking you for a little drink to cement our comradeship? Not too long, though, Terry’s picking me up in an hour or there abouts. Terry’s my ex-husband, you know. And with a bit of luck and a fair wind he’ll be directing and all will be well in the world!”

© Peter Rogerson 28.08.18