Indicia of a Writer.

A Story by Jo

My first attempt at writing something to make people laugh.

You know you’ve encountered a writer when:

they email in iambic pentameter
they text in haiku
they use words like “lexicon” and “rhapsody” in the same sentence when talking about things like washing hair or drinking water
they are obsessed with hair and water
they eavesdrop while taking notes
they walk around looking lost and forlorn for hours because they can’t think of the perfect “r-word” that rhymes with rhapsody
they have www.synonyms.com, www.thesuarus.com, and www.urbandictionary.com bookmarked on their web browsers
they analyze each of your actions with frightening precision and catalogue your daily activities with stalker-ish dexterity and abruptly ignore you for months while they work on their novel about an “ordinary person facing the everyday dilemmas of a post-modern existential crisis”
they defend typos and grammatical errors with the phrase “creative license”
they inject French words and phrases of questionable relevance into everyday conversation
the words “you have too many books” sends them to the hospital (and maybe you too…)
they excommunicate you for 47 days for suggesting that “the movie was better than the book”
they go into a listless catatonic state when they are unable to find that pen, even though their house is literally littered with the exact same pen
they crack open the thesaurus (or go to one of the aforementioned bookedmarked sites) when they sext (“I reFUSE to use the word ‘manhood’ AGAIN!”)
they come into the office with circles under their eyes because the characters in their novel ”just wouldn’t do as they were told”
their birthday present to you every year consists of a neatly packaged box containing 1000+ typewritten pages, with a card that reads, “my manuscript�"comments are invited by no later than the close of business day next Friday”
they are in a perpetual state of one of the following: (a) heartbreak, (b) depression, (c) indignation, or (d) all of the above
they will forego showers, toothbrushing, hair combing and other fundamental rituals of personal hygiene in order to complete that one perfect sentence�"and then read that sentence out loud to you for days (while you hold your nose)
they can’t stop writing.

*Note, if the Writer also happens to use words like “indicia” and “aforementioned”, displays a propensity to create bulleted lists, refers to deadlines “at the close of business day”, places commas after the close-quote, and frequently employs long footnotes, chances are, you’ve also encountered a lawyer. If that is the case, go here.