You Are My Landscape

I have lived in a state so small that it's 1,214 square miles coiled around me until I was blue

I have tripped over these potholes everyday and these deafening memories have become an echo chamber

The only flag in this state I could ever stand before is you

My life has been a chorus of slamming doors as the bass

and your "good morning baby" as the soft soprano

I could rewind that tape a million times and never grow tired of it

I want to fold you into my suitcase and run all 1,214 square miles to anywhere but here

I want to wake up 3 hours later than the rappers trying to make it in my hometown

I want to breathe in the molecules of the unknown and the scent of you making breakfast

I am a selfish girl wanting the whole world for half price

I am the snake shedding it's skin to discard it's old one on the side of the road

I am in love with you

You are still the most breathtaking landscape

Reviews

[Relic]

Thank you for being a good speller. I like the fact that you can express yourself well too. However (Cue the scary music) ha You need to avoid the mixed metaphors. Too many metaphors in a poem can create confusion and illogical thought.

For instance: The only flag in this state I could ever stand before is you. Which makes no common sense. No one with two legs is a flag.

I would keep the metaphors to a minimum and try to stick to a theme that's consistent.
Other than that, your love for him is what a guy likes to hear. (as do women). I hope your relationship stands the test of time. :))

[poison&kerosene]

I definitely am always open to constructive criticism. However this particular poem was not intended to follow structure or rules. I wrote what I felt in my heart and didn't even think about it. It flowed from me. I am at a crossroads where my dream job will relocate me to AZ separating me from the man I have been with for 7 years. It is a decision that is almost paralyzing me. I haven't had the desire to write in a long time. I came on here today to write from the contents of my heart. In my heart today a person with two legs can be a flagpole. Thank you for wishing my relationship well. I hope it stands the test of time as well!

[poison&kerosene]

I did just look at your profile. In the future I will take this advice when I am really trying to create a remarkable piece. I do think you saying that "it makes no common sense" was unnecessary. Poetry and love are two things that really only have to make sense to the one creating it. Your writing is completely inspiring and you have a real gift. I will be checking your profile in the future to read your writing and hopefully learn from it how to become proficient at this.

[Relic]

I meant no insult as I never do. Had we only the means to see someone when they review you would have seen me smiling with good intentions when I said that.

I'm okay, nothing amazing. :)

[poison&kerosene]

I wasn't under the impression you were trying to insult me at all. You are a talented writer trying to help others improve. I just wanted to explain the purpose of this poem to illustrate why it isn't structurally sound.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

flag of love, flag of a state....landscape as in looking at the beauty of a state, landscape as in the state of love....sometimes there is nothing else.
I really like this poem...i am from NY but my father's aunt lived in Providence...beautiful state...
i like the "bass" "soprano" lines also.
yes, this is sprinkled with different metaphors...and i would have liked to have seen more reference to the snake metaphor...but even without that.
i found this write to be very interesting in the picture it created for me.
j.