JASMINE FLOWERS

JASMINE FLOWERS

A Story by Prateeksha Khot
"

All her life she lived her life for others until she decided to live for herself............

"

* PLEASE CLICK ON THE COVER TO READ IT *





© 2010 Prateeksha Khot


Author's Note

Prateeksha Khot
This was is for the BE CREATIVE CONTEST. If there are any suggestions please let me know. I would like to improve upon this draft.



30 April, 2010 : I have made some changes in the story. Hope it is better than the earlier version.

My Review

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Featured Review

A moving piece addressing many issues. I intend these remarks constructively; there's a proof reading error in the 5th paragraph where you write "Dead,[his] beloved husband" which can be easily missed because you were writing about him. Try to cut down on your use of starting sentances with She where you can, as this breaks up the flow which is unfortunate because there's alot of colourful descprition here. An example would be changing "She looked into the mirror at her reflection" at the start of paragraph 8 to something like, 'Looking in the mirror, she noticed her reflection' which could lead to more description. Perhaps you could describe the lady in the church in more detail and the jasmine flowers, their aroma. Just add a bit more description, in my opinion. You also make some poignant descriptions such as in the 7th paragraph you write "Without him, she was just a body without a soul." This is very emotive and your phrase "Her sister-in-law looked down with downcast eyes" shows her remorse. I'm being a bit picky, so please forgive me, I'd alter this slightly to 'Her sister-in-law looked with downcast eyes', there's no need to write "looked down". I hope this helps a little and adds to the flavour of this piece.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

amazing. tooooo gooooood. I liked the fact that you didnt mention names

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

That was such a beautiful and sad story. I totally loved it. Best of luck for the contest!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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2057 Views
12 Reviews
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Shelved in 3 Libraries
Added on April 21, 2010
Last Updated on April 30, 2010
Tags: jasmine, flowers, widow, india, love, old age, bald, hair, cross, religious, school, teacher, marriage, relatives, remorse, killed, death, torture, torment, ill treatment, white, church, clothing, lady, kind, god, kids, alone
Previous Versions

Author

Prateeksha Khot
Prateeksha Khot

Mumbai, Maharashtra, India



About
A happy-go-lucky rebel, i like doing things my way : that is the different way. I am creative and like trying out new stuff : There's hardly anything in which I am not interested. Plus point ? : I HAV.. more..

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