The Cookie Lady

How does she make them taste so darned good?

 

Cookies, heaped on a platter, sweet and warm--that’s old Mrs. Barnhart’s specialty.  Chocolate chip, oatmeal and raisin, peanut butter; it doesn’t matter what kind she makes, because they’re all fabulous. At least three times per week, she’ll set a couple of dozen out on her porch railing, and boy, let me tell you, it doesn’t take long for that smell to bring us neighborhood kids running like a bunch of starved cats. Yeah, she’s the best cookie-maker in the whole wide world. Nice, too, but awful ugly, and I do mean ugly. She’s scary ugly, like the boogie man, or in her case, the boogie lady. Her eyes are too far apart, and her mouth’s too wide, sorta like a frog. In fact, if her skin was green and she squatted down, you’d probably scream bloody-murder and go hide under your bed.

The first time I ever saw her, Mom sent me over to take her a letter that had ended up in our mailbox. I couldn’t see her very good through the screen door, but when she opened it to take the letter from me, I saw her real good, and it scared me so bad that I screamed and ran away. Fuzzy Johnson and Larry Smith said she scared them like that, too. Well, hardly anyone is scared of her anymore. Once we tasted her cookies, we just kinda got used to her, you know. Now we call her the cookie lady, and everyone likes her, even though she’s scary-ugly.

One time my mom and Mrs. Pettigrew, who both have aprons that say “chef” on them, asked Mrs. Barnhart what her secret was. Now, I didn’t know it was okay to blabber about your secrets, but Mrs. Barnhart did, and she told them that it was the butter. She said she used a lot of really, really good butter. Well, Mom and Mrs. Pettigrew tried making cookies with a whole lot of real cow butter, but their cookies still didn’t taste like the cookie lady’s did. Poor Mom probably got dizzy-headed from all the heat in the kitchen, and went and said she thought hers were better than cookie lady cookies. She told me that about ninety-nine times, and gave me a look like she wanted me to agree with her. Well, I know about George Washington and the cherry tree, so I just couldn’t lie to her about those cookies. I did my best not to hurt her feelings, though, and told her that her cookies were quite a bit better than the ones they have at the school cafeteria.  She got quiet after that and went to the den with Dad’s bottle of Wild Turkey, so I guess she wanted to celebrate.

Yes, there’s no doubt that the cookie lady’s cookies are the best in the whole world. There was only one time when her cookies tasted almost like my moms, and that was last week, right after her cat, Mortimer, went crazy and wouldn’t come down from the mulberry tree. I should’ve told her why Morty wouldn’t come down, but was afraid Bumpy Moore would beat me up. I’ll tell you why Morty didn’t want to come down from there--he didn't want Bumpy to get him and mess up his butt again.  I know, because I saw Bumpy do it. He rubbed that cat’s butt with a dry corncob until it was raw as an onion, and then dobbed coal oil on it. I gotta tell you, I did not know that cats can run fifty miles an hour across the lawn while dragging their butts. Bumpy, Fuzzy and Larry laughed like crazy, but I only laughed a little bit. 

Finally, Mr. Vincent went up the tree with his long ladder and got Mortimer down. I know that made the cookie lady happy because the next day, she set out a tray of cookies. We all ran up and grabbed some, including Bumpy, whose hands and arms were all scratched up. The cookie lady asked him, “Bumpy, what happened to your hands and arms?”

He stuffed two cookies in his mouth and told her, “Pickin’ blackberries.”

Funny--that was the last time anyone ever saw Bumpy. He was always putting big rocks and fence posts on the railroad tracks, trying to derail a train, so everyone figured a railroader probably got him. Anyway, right after he disappeared, the cookie lady’s cookies didn’t taste quite right. I think she noticed it, too, because I heard her mumble, “His ol’ butter isn’t any good.” I’m sure she meant to say “This ol’ butter”, but it’s hard for her to talk right with that great big frog mouth.

Well, everything is back to normal now, and the cookie lady’s cookies are as good as ever. Halloween is coming up, so she asked me, Fuzzy, and Larry to help her with the extra baking. We all agreed, of course, and now I'll be able to see for myself how the cookie lady makes her cookies taste so darned good!

                                            The End

Author's Note

Inspired by a real-life cookie lady who looked like a frog.

Reviews

[An owl on the moon]

Always a joy to read your stories, my friend! I know we've talked of you bringing your stories together in a book. Wishing somehow that it could become real for you and for all of us. You bring the dear cookie lady to life, create a wild world of childhood, joy and pain, and the fragrance of it all fills each line.

[Samuel Dickens]

Thank you. A book is something I've been thinking about. Self-published, of course--just something to share with friends and family.

[An owl on the moon]

I would buy one! Might have to drive down your way for a signed copy, of course. :)

[Dave Brown]

Haha very funny
Who cares what she looks like if she keeps makin yummy cookies

[Samuel Dickens]

Thanks, Dave. Yeah, we love them cookies.

[Ana Papaya]

Oh wow. :)
That nice old lady is up to no good I think.

Samuel, you have such a wonderful knack for telling a story with such ease.
I enjoyed this so much, and with Halloween being right around the corner it's so timely.

[Samuel Dickens]

Thank you, Ana. I'm happy to know you enjoyed reading it.

[Debbie Barry]

That was great! I love your portrayal of the Cookie Lady. Telling the story from the perspective of a young boy was just right.

[Samuel Dickens]

Thank you. I often write from that perspective, maybe because, in some ways, I've never grown up.

[Debbie Barry]

In some ways, never growing up is a good thing. Being a real grownup is vastly over-rated.

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

Oh no! Stay away from that frog-faced Cookie Lady, Fuzzy and Bumpy and Larry and all the rest of you kids! Or she’ll churn you into butter! Aaagh! Is this so Tom Sawyer-ish and Brothers Grimm-ish or what?! Love the writing and the colorfully crafted story. Great characters, detail and plot transitions with an evil twist. Dialogue so believable and skillful. Hipe Mortimer’s butt healed well. Another home-run Sam!

[Samuel Dickens]

Thanks, Annette. It's such an honor to know that my odd little stories are enjoyed.

[barleygirl]

YAY! I found a story of yours that I haven't read yet! *smile* I love the way you conjure up the mindset of youngsters . . . the way we used to imagine a caricature of some of the older people we knew . . . the way country kids were always looking for a prank or some other way to pass the time . . . & the subtle suggestion that country folk have weird rituals involving death, etc. As always, your detailed descriptions are singing HOWL-alujah! *smile* (((HUGS)))

[Samuel Dickens]

Thank you. This one might have had cobwebs.

[MelissaAndres]

Hhhmm...I was getting hungry for cookies there for a while, now, I think I will go for some different kinda snack! Haha! Really good story, Sam! I love how you suck me into caring for your characters so much.

[Samuel Dickens]

Thanks, Melissa. You could have fig newtons--I don't think they have any "butter" in them.

[MelissaAndres]

Haha!! Man, but then I'd have to go to the store and probably pass the butter aisle! :(

[alifeacoustic]

Is that why my cookies just dont cut it? As ever Samuel, a wonderful write, with a twist. Great job.

[Samuel Dickens]

Yep, it's that butter. Thank you, my friend.

[Roland Petrov]

She renders the lard from little boys? This story start off so innocently, and ends up as the worst Halloween nightmare. But it's all so sweet, you hardly notice.

[Samuel Dickens]

Thanks a lot, Roland. I'm glad you like my little stories.

[Rita L. Sev]

Ha! A wonderful twist, Sam - a great tale for the season, this take on the neighborhood crone and the treats that lure the children... :)

[Samuel Dickens]

Thanks again, Rita. I'm most appreciative.