first love

First Love

 

 

I couldn't believe it,

he had said the words,

and typed the words,

All I could do was sit there,

frozen,

like a statue in a snow storm,

my body grew numb,

what do I say?,

What do I do?,

Do I love him back?,

Is any of this true?

I could only think of one thing to do,

I walked.

I walked to him,

I stood in front of him,

I pulled him to me,

And I said,

"I love you too.''

Reviews

[Allison]

This is really good. It happens to a lot of people, and this is how i felt wen my boyfriend told me that he loved me.

[Aldora Sparrow]

Wow. This so true. I'm going out with my first boyfriend and this exactly illustrate the kinds of things I was thinking and feeling at that moment. Very sweet. I'll show this to my boyfriend, I'm sure he'll love it. Great work!

[*Evelen*]

Wow this is soooo sweet and cute :) well done

[N.E.T.]

This is very sweet - there was some anticipation and it helped to appreciate the very simple moment to remind us of its true significance. I like these lines together:

All I could do was sit there,
frozen,
like a statue in a snow storm,
my body grew numb...

'A statue in a snow storm' what a great metaphor and is probably your power line in the piece. I think you could if you want to, add some line breaks to add to the flow and also to the readers pause and absorption - if read to fast it may not be appreciated at its worth, so helping the reader read it as you hear it in your own head, could help the reader fully absorb it. Specifically these lines:


what do I say?,
What do I do?,

Do I love him back?,
Is any of this true?

I think you could move them out, maybe italicize them - this helps the reader to remove themselves for a second from the rest of the piece, and really put them in that moment - reflecting upon those lines as the overwhelming questions circling inside your head, which adds power to that moment, helping the reader to remember that very time in their own life when they too felt that thrill and anticipation - the moment someone has confessed their love for you. This is where the poem seems to build - you could add to the climax if you force the reader into that moment this way.

It is a very endearing message and I appreciate you sharing with me...

Nice job!

[P.S I Love You]

Awwww. Very sweet. I remember my First Love :]

[Harley Ann]

Wow, dude. You're twelve. This amazing for someone you age. No-for ANY age. Definitely going in my library. Keep it up!

[Hippy]

how sweet a first love its a great and magical thing i give you the best of wishes

[Crowley]

It only happens once...and definitely worth wrtiting about. I like the lightness and the simplicity, and it made me want to be a fly on the wall watching it happen. Nice write girly.

[Aussie]

Ha.Sounds like my brain slowed down five million times.

[Katie L]

i love this poem.