The Night I Became A Zombie

its a prologue to my book im writing

     I was in bed and trying to go to sleep and my mom came in. Suddenly she heard a screech as the door shut. The door never did that before. "UH OH!" I thought, "This could be bad". That wasn't mommy that came in my room. It was this big ugly green scaly rotten disgusting creature that reeked of burnt flesh and blood. It had one big black eye, huge teeth like razors, and large claws with the flesh and blood I had been smelling on them. "Time to go to bed sweetheart" this beautiful voice said. "Thank God" i thought, it was just a dream... again but i didn't dare tell my mother. She'd just tell me to stop reading those Stephen King novels. I said "Good night mom" and next thing i knew it was morning.

     I didn't have too many nightmares last night, thankfully. For once. I got up, got dressed, and was on my way down the hall when i heard this gruesome voice that sounded like it was from that creature I saw last night in my dream. "I'll be waiting for you Jane... I'll be right here till you get home then i will...". I screamed and ran downstairs. Then I heard laughing. It was my older brother standing at the top of the steps laughing. He said "Don't be such a baby Jane... GROW UP!" "JOHN!" I screamed, " Don't you dare scare me like that ever again! You know how I get when I'm scared!" I ran to the kitchen, grabbed some Poptarts, then out the door I went to the bus. School... well it's school. I get by. I'm a sensitive person so people make fun of me, but I always seem to make it through the day before i break. On my way home I hear a rustle in the bushes, and it's right in front of my house. It might be John but I doubt it this time.  I hear a growl and see that same ugly face and body I saw last night. This thing had a gun and I could tell it was loaded. I watch as he shoots the ground, then starts to chase me. I run towards the house and I trip over the wires for the sprinkler. The thing points the gun to my face and says "so we can do this the easy way or the hard way... either i kill you now or your puny little human self will try to get away... TRY to get away, but i won't let you succeed." Suddenly i had an epiphany... I HAD SOME PEPPER SPRAY AND A KNIFE IN MY POCKET! I spray the pepper spray and it proceeds to drop its gun and cover its one eye. I take my knife and chop off the scaly foot then gouge out one of his eyes. He writhes in pain long enough to allow me to go into the house. I lock the door, close the blinds and peek out the peep hole. The body that had been laying on the floor was no longer there..."OH CRAP" I exclaimed "He's going to be back for me tonight, I JUST KNOW IT!"

     "Mom? Can I sleep with you tonight?" I ask. She says "NO! Sleep by yourself! I think to myself, "I guess I'll just die tonight! Maybe then they'll feel bad about not letting me in." "Wait! Not if I keep my knife with me!" I thought, excited. "Maybe I won't die tonight after all!"

     As I was almost asleep in my bed, I heard that same gruesome voice that I had heard that afternoon. This time it was calling my name. Was I dreaming? No... not this time. The thing grabbed his eye and shoved it back in the socket. I started to scream with the hopes that someone would hear me but he reaches up, sticks his hand down my throat and when he pulls his hand back up I see my vocal cords in his hands. I try to scream again. This time it was in vain. All that happenned is the ting laughed and i spit up a lot of blood. He slits my throat with my own knife and bites off my hand.

          That's the story of how I became a Zombie

Author's Note

tell me what'cha think

Reviews

[~A.J.P.~]

I noticed a slight inconsistency. You described the monster as having one eye, but later said "gouge out one of his eyes"
An interesting read, though it tends to ramble a bit in places. It might be nice to include more back story at some point. I'd say it has potential.

[The Water Queen]

I dont like Zombies. They are not my favorite. But I love this. Great write and read.

[Sarah]

intregging

[topsyturvy]

@_@ I hate zombies!! Hmm I was a bit lost with the shooting the ground thing o.o If he was a zombie why would he need a gun?.. =o Anyway your story not mine, and it was a very interesting read. :P

[angel gone bad]

omfg that is well good u can really feel the power of it. that was one of the best things that is have read

[Sam Severn]

This is so chilly-cool! I love the gore, n' I love the swift-as-hell speed at which everything takes place. The opening kicks everything into high gear. N' your ending is so freakin' FABULOUS!

I think you could improve it even more by making the middle section into shorter paragraphs. Also the second paragraph switches from past-tense to present-tense (from "grabbed some Poptarts, then out the door I went to the bus" to "On my way home I hear a rustle in the bushes..."), which confused me for a second. Not badly, but if you pick one tense, n' stick to it, it'll read even better.

I really, really love this! Great n' scary stuff, n' I'll look forward to reading more! ㋡

[Burr the Story Sorceres..]

It is an interesting concept. It definitely has a lot of potential. I spotted some tense changes and it could use a little detail to polish it up, but it is a nice story. Good work.

[Drifter]

I do think you have an interesting premise here. I noticed some confusion in tenses and some of the sentence structures feel a little too off. Also, I would add more to the story. It feels kind of rushed so I'm not really left with much of an emotional reaction. That being said, this has quite a bit of potential.

[X]

XDDD sick dudette awsome story! i enjoy gore.

[Saturn's Lover]

That's sad :(

[Eric Cox]

Very nicely done. Great story. Great job on the horror. A cool write.