The Girl from the Gap

The poet warns the readers against this heinous phantom.

She stares

from the hellish dark

beneath the chair

longing to

tear apart

whosoever stare.

Beware!

She's there

looking through

black edge

like a lurid lion

she waits for you.

Don't cast your eye

upon her

O my friend!

Unless you desire

to taste the

hotness of the hellish land.

Reviews

[JayG]

I think there's a lot of story here that never made it to the page. And because the part that didn't is in your head it makes perfect sense as you read. But that, and your intent, never make it to the page, and the reader, unlike you, must make do with what the words suggest to them, based on their background, not yours. So from a reader's viewpoint there are addressable issues:

• She stares from the hellish dark

She? Any particular she? She must be pretty small to fit beneath a chair that has a cover making it dark there.

And: why is the darkness under this unknown chair "hellish while the rest of the place isn't?" If I don't know that how can I even guess at WHY she's staring, and at what?

• longing for tear apart whosoever stare.

Honestly, no matter how I parse this it makes no sense. Especially, given that the "she" you're talking about is the one staring. I'd suggest taking more time to edit before releasing your words into the wild, and editing from the viewpoint of a reader who knows only what the words suggest to them.

Sorry.

[Raj Sahu]

Thank you!

[Raj Sahu]

For chair, the Girl from the Gap lives under furniture, bed or gaps. I wrote chair because while composing it in a dreadful night a scarlet chair was before me and underneath it was a horrible darkness.

[Raj Sahu]

I wrote in the short description above that author warns the readers against the heinous phantom. So, it is just obvious after reading that an apparition is staring at you.

[JayG]

•"I wrote in the short description above that author warns the readers against the heinous phantom.

I have not a clue of what is meant by "heinous phantom." Irt's too general; a term. Phantom says ghostly. But there are as many kinds of ghosts as there are storytellers, and evil comes in many flavors.

But that aside, the writing has to stand on its own, and provide its own context, because the reader had no clue of what it means to you, or what your intent for their understanding is. Nor do they care. It's your words, their understanding, and that's it. You're not there to explain and they may or may not read that tiny disclaimer at the top—and shouldn't have to.

Problem is the reader has only what the words suggest based only on THEIR background and understanding. And, that reader is probably from a different area, age group, and even gender, all of which influence their understanding. So unless you provide guidance in the form of context meaningful to them they're lost. In writing, you cannot say, "You know what I mean, because they probably won't.

[Stephanie M]

Well written tale of fear, and paranoia. Creepy! Perhaps, elaborate on the hellish dark place that she lies in wait.

[Raj Sahu]

Thank you so much!

[The Iron Horseman]

A very evocative piece, Raj. I like it a lot. The imagery is very strong.

Just a couple of typos.
'longing for' should be 'longing to"
and
'she wait for you.' should be 'she waits for you.'

Good work, my friend.

[Raj Sahu]

Thank you very much for your constructive review! I appreciate it!

[The Iron Horseman]

You are very welcome.

[peter Duggan]

Hi Raj. great poem you have written here my friend, Great images you have painted here with your scary words. You wrote this very well, mate. I enjoyed the read...Pete

[Raj Sahu]

Thanks a lot dear Peter!

[‘Thoughts In Time..]

In that hellish land is where many truths burn to be heard and seen but only allowed to be seen and heard by certain beings- the heat is controlled by love received- not dangerous but gentleness to be found- interesting- many thoughts and emotions hiding here- very enjoyable🌹

[Raj Sahu]

Thank you very much!

[‘Thoughts In Time’🌹]

My pleasure🌹

[emipoemi]

"Longing TO tear apart"......I have to agree with Jay about one part, though: What chair? Where's the chair? Why a chair? Other than that, this is quite the spooky tale. Well done!

[Raj Sahu]

Thank you dear. For chair, the Girl from the Gap lives under furniture, bed or gaps. I wrote chair because while composing it in a dreadful night a scarlet chair was before me and underneath it was a horrible darkness.

[wordman]

a dark write,beware,she might be watching you

[Raj Sahu]

Thank you!

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

Stark and without apology, we are here and not going anywhere, well done, good read.

[Raj Sahu]

Thank you!