My room

she linger through the room each day

shy than ever;shy from me

hides herself away

hides away in her long beautiful waterfall of hair

sometimes, find her existing in these eyes

and at times.. the reason that lingers in my memories

this pillow carries her

in form of the tears, tht are shed ..

she lingers through this room each day....

Reviews

[khalid]

very nice poem but it needs some more work about structure and vocabulary such as..
she lingers through her room everyday.
more shy than she ever was, shy even from me
hiding herself away
hiding behind her long beautiful waterfall of hair

the rest is ok..

[Farah Ramay]

i wil try my best...actually i dun knw alot about english...
Urdu is my mother language...this was first poem in english...:/

[khalid]

trying will make you much better..go ahead

[Farah Ramay]

yeah

[Kashif Waqas Ramay]

random thoughts placed in every verse..... make them align and ur will shine....:)

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Farah

Thank you for emailing me about your writing and the fact that you are writing in English a second language, when I think your first is Urdu.

Now there is a challenge for any writer!

The fact is writing poetry in your own language is difficult enough without that extra burden.

Although this is largely an English speaking site, it is also international.

Therefore you may well easily find those who are capable of writing in your mother tongue.

I have written a poem in French, a second language for me. Whilst I am bilingual, when writing in French it does not come naturally to me. It is not my mother tongue.

I found a French speaker on here who reviewed my poem in French 'Trahison', which runs as follows:

Trahison

Je t’aime, ma chère, ma jolie petite.
Je te berçais dans mes bras et
Tu me regardais dans les yeux,
De ta façon insolite.

Je t’ai trahie, ma chère, ma jolie petite.
Tu t’es blottie contre moi,
Quand ils sont arrivés,
Ce jour-là.

Tu ne souffres plus, muette
Comme la tombe où je t’ai ensevelie,
Ma chère, ma petite, ma vielle levrette.

This by way of example.

The challenges are, not necessarily in order of importance, getting right the:

1) Grammar;
2) Spelling; and
3) Common usage

And then using all of that to come up with something uniquely yours.

Let me try to rewrite your poem for you to help with correcting 1 and 2, grammar and spelling and adding a bit to it:

'she lingers through the room each day
shier than ever, shying away from me
hides herself away
hides away in her long beautiful waterfall of hair
sometimes, finds herself existing in these eyes
and at times, the reason that lingers in my memories
this pillow carries her
in form of the tears, that are shed
she lingers through this room each day
in bed.

Having adjusted / accepted it as a linguistically correct poem, what can I say more to help you or more to reflect upon the sentiments you express?

On the one hand, you might say you vary the length of the lines a little too much and in so doing lose the beat or tempo of the piece.

However having said that, it can easily be subsumed in the notion of prose poetry, so you can leave it as it is.

All the positives apart from demonstrating that you write mostly well in English:

1) Repetition: You repeat the first line in the last:

'she linger through the room each day'

That is stylish. Actually you will see if you look that you correct your grammar in the last line. It is 'lingers' and not 'linger'

2) Some rhyme: 'day' 'away' 'day'

3) Allusion and metaphor: You create a consistent notion of non-existence - 'shy' 'hide' - disappearing from view.

There is also metaphor in the beautiful words:

'hides away in her long beautiful waterfall of hair'

A waterfall of hair - what a lovely way of creating an image!

I hope this helps you Farah.

The more you write, the better.

The more you write in English the better.

Try posting a piece in the Forums to see if anyone writes in your mother tongue.

That's the best help I can give you.

Have fun experimenting on here, Farah

With my warmest regards


James

[Farah Ramay]

thanks alot,your each word wil elixir for my words which i use whenever i write....
i,m very thankkful to u

[Coyote Poetry]

A very lonely poem. I like the description of the memory of long beautiful hair. The poem made me desire to read more. Thank you for the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Farah Ramay]

ah...thankz alot :)

[zainul]

Nice piece.

[Farah Ramay]

thankz :)

[zainul]

Welcome :)