Tears

Tears poured down,

when his words came.

Everything he said,

Was just another doubt.

 

She was never good enough,

not even for her.

But now her dreams flew by,

broken by a slur.

 

He said he loved her,

Then he took it right back!

He said he cared

But said it to attack!

 

One tear at a time,

Stained her pretty face.

No one knew she was so fragile

Like a thin piece of lace.

 

She stared at the knife,

As a tear hit the ground.

Would she dare us it,

When it once spread her feelings around?

 

She used to cut but stopped

And was happy for a while

but he killed her

with his first smile

 

She wondered why

He would make her cry

Make her no want to live

but die?

 

With a tear stained her face,

She took her life.

She killed herself

With an already used knife

 

She did it for love

her tears said it all

He was her depression

When he pretended to fall

 

No more tears

On her stained face

Nothing left

but her misery that took place.

 

 

 

Author's Note

my friend would really love to have comments good or bad

Reviews

[S. Kimball]

It's good. It's not exactly riveting, but it's tragic enough to be sad.

The content itself is solid. Tells a story in a short amount of time. The flow isn't always smooth, but it's passable.

However, some of the sentences weren't very lively.

"She used to cut but stopped
And was happy for a while"

That's honestly not very interesting. This could be improved by using some stronger verbs and words. Instead of saying she cut, say she mutilated herself or something along those lines. Use words that invoke more awful images.

There was also one typo I noticed. "Make her no want to live". Not huge, but it still jars the reader out of the story a bit.

Overall, not fantastic, but not bad either. Polish it a bit and work on it some more and you'll have an excellent piece of poetry.

[Revenge<3'sMe]

Like S. Kimball said use a few stronger verbs, but then again it's perfect the way it is.
My friend Courtney is EXACTLY like this, she has even tried to take her life sometimes, but she never did cause of her friends.

Good work

[Cassiopia Summers]

Wow, this is deep. I think many people have felt like they have nothing left once their love leaves, when in reality they do have things going for them. This is a great piece.

[Coyote Poetry]

The poem told a very sad story. I believe some people can fall with ease to loss or pain. Some of us are hard and rarely show emotion. The poem story was powerful. The description of cutting and then learning heartbreak. I don't believe we should kill our self for love. Better to live and torture. A outstanding poem.
Coyote

[vampireprincess]

theres a couple mistaKes BUT THIS IS VERY GOOD

[Cherrie Palmer]

Okay, Sugar your poem is good it has a sound story that is being told , it needs a little more rhyme to hook the reader. I like free verse and write poems in that format often. But you need to find away to lull your reader into a state of mind, which will help set the mood and let the story build to the climax. :) Cherrie

[Orahemae December]

this is a nice piece that tell a story. its a little rough and sounds a little force at some points. i know from experience that sometimes words dont flow just right when ur writing but you just have to keep looking. "He said he cared But said it to attack!" attack just doesnt seem right.
and dont use commas at the end of a line just because. its like taking a, pause before you finish your thought. "Tears poured down, when his words came. Everything he said, Was just another doubt." the first stanza is really two sentences without the need of a pause. it will help ifj you read from one line to the next without a pause like your reading a paragraph and then put in your punctuation where you really need it.
i know it sound like nagging but the story line is really good. your technique is just a little rusty. Always write from the heart; the words just flow better, like water in a stream. everything will work itself out over time. ^_^