A Story... Once

A Story... Once

A Poem by redzone
"

...****...

"
A Story….. Once

“Once upon a time”…
     or so the stories go;
hell, even the Raven’s Poe
used these words
     “once upon a midnight dreary.”
But who is this
knocking at my door?
She was the
     once
in my life
and I welcomed her in
once upon a time.
~~~
Upon a time
     once
this time curved around her face
touching sweet dimples,
lips upon my finger tips
and felt time
fold in upon itself
     endlessly
          once.
~~~
Time
     Upon a once
raging fire
knocking at my door
promising more….
      Now
time upon a once
           nevermore.

Aztec Warrior/redzone  10.15.16

© 2016 redzone


Author's Note

redzone
....thanks for reading...


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Reviews

That song makes me teary...poignant, exquisite poetry. R xo

Posted 4 Years Ago


redzone

4 Years Ago

I hear you on the tears.... thanks Rach for the "exquisite" glad you liked it...
I think your new journal is coaxing a whole new level of amazing-ness from your well of creativity. I've never been one to read the poetic classics, but I do enjoy the slight glimpses of "Poe-esque" word crafting thru-out. I love this song you posted. The best stanza is the one with "sweet dimples" as your zinging descriptions therein are so gentle & slightly hesitant in a suspenseful way. I can just about feel your slightly bold shyness shining thru. I love the overall creativity of weaving your "Poe - The Raven" theme but giving it a little different feel, more authentic to "you"! *smile* (((HUGS)))

Posted 4 Years Ago


redzone

4 Years Ago

thanks Margie, more leaves have been appearing on this journal and they do have a different feel to .. read more
sounds like kathies sister and her lost love that keeps coming back
and i love the word play,very creative

Posted 4 Years Ago


I almost can't explain how poignant this piece is . . . it's just beautiful . . . it evokes such a bittersweetness in my heart that I'm almost stuck for words.

The imagery and repetition in this piece are almost too perfect . . . the poem is almost dream-like and otherworldly in its essence . . . truly touched my heart.

The only thing I can critique (after reading it five times) is the punctuation and some minor wording issues. These aren't shortcomings on the poem itself; they're just things I'd consider doing differently if I were you (but of course, this is your poem so edit it as you please).

1. I think the colon in the first line is unnecessary; it created an unnecessary pause when I read it.

2. In line three, you may want to consider putting a comma after the word "hell." Since most people would pause after such an interjection, putting a comma there would (in my opinion) benefit the readability.

3. I'd consider wording lines four and five as follows (notice that I omitted the colon):

used the words
"once upon a midnight dreary"

The reason for this is because a colon creates a pause and at times (especially when used to introduce a quote) signifies a change in tone. I see no need for a pause or a tone change here, so I'd omit the colon.

4. In the lines, "She was the / once" I'd italicize the word "once" to indicate that you're referring to the 'once' as used in "once upon a time."

Hope this was helpful. I look forward to reading more of your works.

- William Liston



Posted 4 Years Ago


redzone

4 Years Ago

first, I need to thank you for a real critique, one meant and taken in a positive way... I really ap.. read more
William Liston

4 Years Ago

Glad I could help ... and yes, I kinda thought you put the "once" in there as its own line for that .. read more
First off, wow! This wound itself around my heart and tugged.

"this time curved around her face
touching sweet dimples,
lips upon my finger tips
and felt time
fold in upon itself
endlessly
once."
Exquisite, and raging fire, poetry doesn't get much better than this...100/100


Posted 4 Years Ago


redzone

4 Years Ago

thanks Paloma, I will gladly take all your "wows"... appreciated... ;0)
This is so charged, wow.
Beautiful. Beautiful.
That song hurts, reminds me of someone.
Bah, you got me choked up. :)

Posted 4 Years Ago


redzone

4 Years Ago

thrilled that you felt this poem Papaya... thanks
Goosebumps....really.
"Upon a time
once
this time curved around her face
touching sweet dimples,
lips upon my finger tips
and felt time
fold in upon itself
endlessly
once."
Curt, what can I say? The love is so tender, so gentle....and the bittersweetness of losing this once in a lifetime is overwhelming. Time changes everything and life does not have a rewind button. The feeling of regret in this one is just 100 feet deep. WOW.....yea, it is "nice".....really "nice". Lydi**

Posted 4 Years Ago


redzone

4 Years Ago

nope, no do overs... the only recourse is to learn from the experience and to write about it... th.. read more
I had to take my time around the last verse, the second time I read it. It was like driving a car around a very sharp corner - as I tried to say "time upon a once"...my mouth really wanted to say "once upon a time". But I found your closing line bittersweet...and quite lovely.

And the song, it always gets me, every time!

My best,
Kelly

Posted 4 Years Ago


redzone

4 Years Ago

yeah the song gets to me too.... the car going too fast around that corner and there is a steep gorg.. read more

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Added on October 16, 2016
Last Updated on October 20, 2016

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redzone
redzone

somewhere, usa



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