I Share

Upon the face sweet smiles absence
Occurs my days in moodiness
Yearning for the complete presence
Sighing at hours of faintness
Scribbles of my pen telling me
I’m incomplete without your glare
My lady missing you truly
Is a day without sun, I share.

Reviews

[Marzarret]

Short but well made, direct to the point, and most of all, interesting from start to end.

[Sir Joe]

Woooh!
That's a very nice expression of longing for and missing someone.
The poetic persona must truly be so in love with that lady.
You wrote it briefly but you were able to completely convey the main point of the poem or the feeling of the poetic persona.
Let me just point out some things which, I think, are worth taking notice of. Were you really comfortable or confident with the words that you used in this poem? For example, the word "glare". It is actually a piercing stare, an angry look. Do you really mean that the poetic persona is incomplete without the piercing stare of the lady in the poem? Another is the word "faintness". It is a state of temporary unconsciousness. Do you think you can sigh when you are unconscious?

I like the ababcdcd rhyming. It's good to be consistent with the rhyme scheme. But try to read the piece again. Maybe you will also find, as I did, the sixth and the last lines awkwardly sounding. They sound forcedly rhymed. I think you just chose to put "I share" there to merely let it rhyme with the sixth line. Also, the last two lines sound cliche to me. Perhaps you could express the meaning of those lines in a different light, in a way that it won't sound cliche.

Thank you for sharing this piece. =)
Keep writing. =)

[sedatezoe]

nice review pardz!point well taken.:) dnt worry i'll fix it..but i'll stick to the use of the word faintness because i just mean the first meaning of the word..which is weak.hehe.thanks for the review!
.

[Sir Joe]

You're welcome. =)

[Belle]

Pardon for I cannot contain myself not to indiscreetly be in the affair of the two of you. Structuralist you are, Sir Joe. Impressive. Often, I find myself being very particular with the form and the content, but not as detailed as you do. My weakness is on the use of language. Joe, you are not just a writer, but a good-er critic.

[Sir Joe]

Hahahaha thanks for the "ear-widening" sugar-coated words hahaha
My friend, remember that a weakness, when given proper attention, turns into a strength.

[sedatezoe]

hehe..thanks alot for the review.:)

[Sir Joe]

=)

[Belle]

I cannot accept that my words are sugar-coated :P...I speak with honesty :P... Remember, Structuralism in Literary Criticism? Apart from Psychoanalytic approach, I find structuralism as another not easy approach in giving criticism, but you do do it just like eating a cake...

[Sir Joe]

hahaha thank you, my dearest sister. =)
I didn't even know that I'm doing it that way.
I really like it when you let go of words, Ate Belle. In your comments and in your reviews, there is always a hint of poesy.