Stuck On Stupid

Humor column.

Stuck On Stupid

Is the beer on me?                      

The last time I checked, it was a crime to break the law.

Unless you’ve been living on Mars (or, maybe Buford Falls, OK) I’m sure we all know about the government bail out of such BIG companies as AIG, General Motors, and Ken’s Bait and Burger Emporium. (Of course the Emporium wasn’t bailed out. The owner of that business actually paid taxes--the same taxes our government so eagerly handed over to their friends in the omnipresent banking system.)

I’m still confused--now get my level of apparent stupidity here--as to why the bail out money didn’t go into accounts earmarked for mortgages and in the names of the poor sods who were too naïve (or greedy) and got into those massively upside down mortgages in the first place.

Sure, GM has to pay the money back, but I’ve heard no talk about bank bail out money being a temporary thing. That money was supposed to go to refinancing bad mortgages so that people wouldn’t get foreclosed on, effectively losing their houses. But what did the banks do with it? Lent it to other banks, invested it, PAID UNGODLY BONUSES TO CEOS, ETC, ETC. But almost no refinancing happened.

Having worked a while in the mortgage industry, I can tell you that it’s not only the buyers who caused the real estate “bubble”. It was more like a snot bubble for as much good it did the lending and real estate industries. The only ones that made out like bandits, were the bandits IN the lending industry.

Funny how that worked.

But, any way, back to the bail out. I was dumbfounded (or found it to be dumb) when I learned that AIG created a dummy company for the sole purpose of buying off all AIG’s bad accounts. This was done to make their profit/loss statement make them look as if they were made of 24 karat gold.

When they got their sterling financial statement back, they also bought back their bad debts and were, once again, 24 karat gold plated poo.

Had you or I tried that, we would have been thrown in jail before you could say Ponzi scheme.

Interestingly enough, because the bank was considered “too big to fail”, they just got a stern, disappointed shake of the head from the government and then all of our money went into the bank’s pockets.

Wish I was a CEO in a big bank; Not only would I get a massive bonus for being a crook, but I’d get it from the poor tax payers whom I’d already ripped off!

Wait! That’s NOT a good thing! What were the banks thinking!? What was the government thinking?! I think their intelligence settings were stuck on stupid!

In fact, I’d say they weren’t thinking at all!

Can this kind of underhanded activity go… go…. What?

Hey! Who’s hand is in my pocket?! Give my wallet back!

No! Stop! I need that watch to tell what time it is!

What? My VCR too? Dear God!

You’re taking my computer as well?

WHAT KIND OF INSANITY IS THIS?

Hey! Don’t put your hand in my ‘ouf! Ot ay illings! I eed ose oo tew!

…

…

Sorry. I was just paying my income taxes. By the way did you also know that income tax is unconstitutional? Sure, Amendment 16 says the government can tax income without reason, but I didn’t find any ratification. That would have required research which is too much like work. Still, that amendment is a huge contradiction to the portion of the Constitution that clearly says the government shall NOT tax the people’s income. Oh, well. As John Lennon once said, “That doesn’t sound right.”

There is an old Chinese proverb (or curse, depending on whether you are a glass half full or a glass shattered in a billion, minuscule pieces on the floor kind of person) that says, “May you live in interesting times.” I think we are. We live in such wonderfully screwed up world.

Now, if you’ll excuse me. I’m being arrested for giving these two cents to you and not listing it on my taxes. I guess I’ll need a bail out.

Author's Note

Yet another humor column written for fun and hopefully to get noticed by Dave Barry. I'm trying to find my comedic voice.

Reviews

[deeps]

Ha! ha! this is too cute I write one the other day about infaltion crap. I really like this it's truthful....

[R. G. Nestle]

...mouth! Not my fillings! I need those to chew! (Just in case) :-3
Thanks for the review. I enjoy trying to get others to laugh. Take care!

[Stacey]

This was great and full of humor! Better watch it...you know they'll take your 2 cents as well:) I'm trying to fill in the blanks on this line, "Don’t put your hand in my ‘ouf! Ot ay illings! I eed ose oo tew!" LOL! Enjoyed the read very much!