The Mess I've Made

When mistakes hurt others there's no turning back...if ever.

The Mess I’ve Made

 

We’ve drifted apart, the blame goes on me;

A whispered denial, a whiplash reaction.

Saying I’m sorry will never suffice,

My vain contradictions say so very much more.

My efforts to remedy, on which you deny

I look to your blue eyes, you’re looking askance.

So now I’m dismissing this blind promenade,

This broken down dance,

This mess that I’ve made.

If you’ve ever loved me please give me a chance

To explain my self-hatred

In grey humbled tones.

Toss dirt on my grave, please cover my bones…

I’ve gone down the wrong path

And my time is at hand.

If I can’t be forgiven I may as well burn,

Give dying its turn,

The ending I’ve earned.

 

dan © 2015

Author's Note

Reviews

[Michelle Coleman]

Ahhh, but do you forgive yourself? We often ask from others what we do not give ourselves.

Reading this takes me back to a self-hating ex who behaved so badly it took years to heal. You're not the only one left dying in a grave, unfortunately.

This is a very painful piece to read as both the victim and perpetrator. It IS a broken dance. One that repeats itself. We hurt those we love without meaning to because we carry the wounds from life and do not always know how to deal with them. We learn to despise ourselves. At the same time, as victims, we are drawn to people who treat us badly because their attitudes and behavior reflect our self-loathing from pain we internalized. Both partners in the dance are broken.

The problem with wanting or demanding forgiveness is that neither party is given the freedom to grieve, to rage, to feel acknowledged in their own time. We depend on someone else for our sense of survival in a very cruel world. True forgiveness comes not only when we acknowledge our transgressions, but acknowledge the damage we have caused in another and allow them to go through the entire healing process without trying to push it through warp-speed.

Your honesty is admirable.

[dan]

Michelle, I should allow you to write FOR me; your analysis of my poems are so pointed and direct that it seems as if you are in my head massaging the pain inside. This was undoubtedly the most complex review I've ever received, and you seem to see inside my mind more than I do myself. Thank you so much; reading your review had a cathartic effect on me, I should pay you as my new therapist. Thank you so much for your detailed review (and attempt to cure). take care...dan

[Michelle Coleman]

Hahahahaha no need to pay me. I have been through hell and back many times in my life. I know the terrain well. I am glad my words had a healing effect on you. 😊 reaching out is a bit of a knee-jerk reaction. Kinda like Starr. 😜

[dan]

Play the song and read...it's my 'take me back' plea

[....................]

Such an honest and self reflective write dan. To acknowledge to one's love that you hate yourself and that is why you speak curtly, without thought, should be enough to put you on the path to mending the mess you've made. A good write sir!

[dan]

FT, Thank you for your, as usual, insightful review...taking the time to read and review my work is an action for which I owe you a debt of gratitude. Have a good one! take care...dan

[....................]

It is always my pleasure dan, truly! Have a great day!

[Olumegbon]

I love the way you write, for real. an amazing writer

[dan]

My writing isn't the best, but it's the best I can do. Thank you very much. take care...dan

[~]

"Whiplashed" was a perfect term. As if both people are out of a wreck fueled to the maximum speed by past mistakes. It is not easy finding yourself at a place where to ask for forgiveness is not only for the person you are asking it from, but it is for yourself. yet you know the sting - you know you will no be able to forgive yourself as easily. Keep on fighting!

[dan]

ms, thank you for your supportive review. I am trying very hard working my way toward making this right. I can't give up, must achieve my goal. Thanks again. take care...dan

[~]

Cheering for you!!

[dan]

thank you...dan

[...]

You know how many people can relate to this? myself included...regret can be constructive or deconstructive. I say let's improve...you?

[dan]

lynn, Well yes, I know I have to improve...status quo doesn't cut it in this case. And even if I do improve it may be too late for this...the toothpaste is out of the tube, all over the sink. Thank you for your kind review. take care...dan

[Gee]

Guess I'm one of the lucky ones,stay strong Dan.Good write

[dan]

Thank you for your review. I appreciate you sending your kind words. take care...dan

[Gee]

You're welcome

[Satan]

You are the master of your own mind, don't ever forget it. You are in full control. I don't know your situation but the sooner you stop feeling sorry for yourself and start moving forward the better. You won't regret it. Whatever has happened has happened and there's no going back now. Self pity is a curse, start making yourself proud. You'll be okay if you want to be. Peace.

[dan]

Satan, Thank you for your kind words. It will take awhile but I'll get through eventually. I appreciate your review. take care...dan

[Confuser]

Dan this Broken Down Dance we can survive - betrayal is sometimes never forgiven but as humans we do make mistakes: You have articulated self-hate, guilt and pain so well; the residue of that pain stays with us whether we know as humans mistakes are inevitable. It's easy to say we must forgive ourselves but sometimes it's like inside those ripples of denial & rationalization the waves overpower our insight. It is beautiful. Thank you so much. Dale

[dan]

Dale, Thank you for your kind words. I know I'm human and humans make mistakes, I just seem to make more than anyone should make. I'll get through it. Thank you. dan

[Confuser]

Have you any dreams you'd like to sell, dreams of lonliness, like a heartbeat drives you mad, and the stillness of remembering what we had, what we lost...Stevie N. (Sorry tried to edit and another box came up). Sorry.