those i've loved and those i thought i did

the title is very self explanatory.

the ones i've loved and those i thought i did

1) my friend was appalled that i hadn't kissed a boy. she introduced us. you were 5 years older than me.  i walked to your apartment at 6 a.m. and you kissed me on your porch. you texted me 15 minutes later apologizing profusely. i'm still confused.

2) the first time we met you told me the story of you f*****g that girl in the starbucks bathroom. you asked my best friend for my number later that night and i told her to give it to you. you texted me immediately and for the next two months the conversations never stopped. the week before you blocked me on facebook we made out in the playground of that church. i forget about you often.

3) i met you a week before sophomore year started. your best friend messaged me at 3 a.m. and asked me to meet both of you at the school by my house i agreed (because i had a huge crush on him) and snuck out. the three of us went streaking behind my old middle school. it was the craziest thing i'd ever done. my stepdad found me missing from my bed and i had to run home, forgetting my glasses on the bleachers. you messaged me a week later asking if i'd gotten them back. i hadn't. you continued to talk to me everyday for two weeks, when your best friend (whom i still had a crush on) started dating another girl. i was slightly devastated, and a few hours later, he messaged me asking if i'd go out with you. i said yes (mostly out of spite) and the next day we walked to the park after school. you asked me to be your girlfriend and i said yes and then dragged you to the swing set. you walked me home and kissed me before you left. we fucked two weeks later and never spoke again. you're the reason i cut my hair. 

4) i met you online one night and i couldn't tell if you were 17 or 37. you were the first boy i'd ever said i love you to. we lived 800 miles away but you still managed to consume me entirely. when you asked if it'd be okay to ask another girl out i threw up. it's been 9 months. you're dating her now and we still talk sometimes, but i don't think i'll ever forgive you.

5) my friend pointed you out from backstage when you were sitting in the auditorium because i asked her to show me the hot guy she kept talking about. i think you took my breath away a little bit. i thought about you everyday. you kissed me for the first time on march 21st. you drove me absolutely insane and your lips reminded me of the way xanax felt. i've never met anyone quite like you. i think i started drinking because of you (and i think everyone except you knows that). everyone told me you loved that other girl, but i didn't want to believe it. we were together for four months even though you never wanted to make it official. i probably should've taken the hint, but i was enamored by you. you asked her out last summer and we never said goodbye. you messaged me apologizing in the fall after she broke up with you and i welcomed you back with open arms and butterflies in every crevice of my soul. i have a folder on my phone of all the pictures you took of us. you were the first boy i had ever cried over. i'd never tell you so, but you were my first love. i see you in the raindrops on my window, the leaves of the plants on my windowsill, and every time i look in the mirror. i will never stop loving you.

Author's Note

just tell me what you think, i know it's cliché but i've never really written any poetry or prose before ya feel? ignore capitalization