snap out of it

snap out of it

A Story by Ms. R

Snap out of it. 


Weekends are troubling for me, its a Friday night, i open my closet in a haste, my hands trembling as usual searching frantically for anything to throw on,  i put on black training suit in less than 30 seconds, catch my face in the mirror for a split second while pacing through my room collecting my keys and backpack, dark circles hugging my eyes,  hair messy and white blueish lips,  on my way out i tell grandma that i am going to the library,  i take off before she can say a word or comment on how ghostly i look, i am manic,  paranoid and very very exhausted,  i holler into my car pressing the lock button the exact same second i close my door, i should have a world record on how fast i do this,  i always had this thing with locks, i cant get into my car without locking it immediately, i cant get into my apartment and leave the door open,  even if its for a minute i don't care if i am carrying the shopping bags of the world,  i have to get them all in at once and lock the door immediately, if someone walks in and leave the door open for more than 10 seconds i go crazy and paranoid, so locks are another endorsement to my craziness list,  i start my car having no idea where i am heading,  i had to take the ticking bomb aka my mind out of the house,  i hold on tightly to the wheel, i can't focus,  everything is getting on my nerves,  the lights in my rear mirror are irritating me,  the car horns are torturing my ears, the cars passing me by in awful speed are scaring the s**t out of me, it feels like someone threw me into the ocean and sharks are circulating me,  i keep telling myself its alright, you are fine, this is the same car you drive everyday and you have to get your s**t together,  i finally get off the highway making it safely to one of the quiet streets of Heliopolis, i pull over trying to catch my breath , i throw my head into my hands as if i am begging my hands to contain the racing thoughts and the craziness inside my head, right in this moment i can perfectly relate to why we "mental patients" commit suicide, we are left alone with our malfunctioning brain, it start doing its tricks, it tortures you,  sky rocket you to the moon and bring you down on your neck in a heart beat, that's the thing most people don't understand about mental illness,  no we are not sad people, actually most of us don't know what sad means, weird right?  But that's it we don't really know what sad means,  we don't actually recognize emotions,  in my case i can only recognize two states or moods " OK and MAD",  i am either feeling ok,  ok as in the bomb is not ticking right now and i wont do anything stupid and i can stay still for a while" and MAD as in "i am batshit crazy and i am at war with my mind and catastrophes may happen"  other than those  two, i don't truly know what other emotions mean, our brains lack the chemicals, that's what some people fail to understand, just cause we don't have lab tests that measure our brain chemicals means that the whole thing exist inside our heads only, and no we cannot snap out of it,  can you tell a diabetic patient to snap out of it?  No cause his pancreas still won't make insulin, also telling us to snap out of it wont make our brains produce the missing chemicals,  yes we have medications, but the dilemma with the mind is that the doctors can never know which chemical is lacking or even the percentage of the lack,  so we have to experiment with our medications, and that's my friend is living hell, so instead of balancing a missing chemical you experiment with the most complicated, precise, delicate and mysterious device known to human race where a pill can either drive you to complete madness or shut down your mind and send you to zombie land for god knows how long or luckily balance out your chemicals, i can never find the true words to describe this feeling,  maybe if the paper screamed and tore itself apart you would get a slight hint of what it feels like,  you pop a pill that you have no No idea of what would it do, you down it with some water and cross your fingers.
not knowing how you would feel waking up the next day is one of the worst feelings anyone can endure , we commit suicide simply cause we are fed up, we are trapped inside our minds, held captive for a monster we didn't create or ask for, we are tortured beyond any physical means, therapy failed us, medications failed us, the people we love failed us and we are left with nowhere to hide.

Finally i raise my head up, lights are hurting my eyes, my windows are up but i can still hear every faint noise outside, i reach out for my backpack, i take out the tiny plastic bag stashed in the pocket, a moment or two passes, i put the plastic bag back into the little pocket, i grab the backpack and walk down the street, my steps are slow, heavy and undetermined, i stumble into a small cafe, the waiter asks if i would like to sit indoors or outdoors, off course i pick indoors, i order their largest cup of coffee and fly to the bathroom i take out the plastic bag, align two lines of this magical white powder, take out the straw lean down and snort them, one line at a time. i throw my head back allowing the miraculous white particles to make it way through   

Suddenly all the noise stops,like someone finally put the world on mute, i can feel my mind burning and the white particles slicing at my gray matter, binding to my brain receptors and firing its neurons, colors are brighter but they are not hurting my eyes anymore, the cafe's faint music in the background is flirting with my ears, i stand up, stare at my ghostly face in the mirror trying to fix my hair, but it doesn't matter i am flying over the moon right now, see something finally works! Even if it works temporarily, see it turns out i can take time off from the beast, maybe that's why drugs exist, so the hopeless like us can get a break every now and then? Otherwise why would god, mother nature, higher force, the universe or whatever would you like to call it, made them exist! i go back to my table, sipping on my coffee enjoying the high, i decide to turn my phone on since i am high i can now be bothered with the rest of the world, i log in to the narcotics anonymous forum and i finally decide to write my first post....









Hello, my name is Sarah and I am an addict... or not, I don't really know.

But what I am really sure of, is that this is how every addict, every book and every story about addiction I have ever come across has started on the same road.

I have suffered from major severe depression, bipolar disorder and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). My depression lessened over time, also my bipolar disorder is now somewhat manageable after all those years in therapy.

What baffled me, my therapists and my family all those years was my GAD, it never got better, it never lessened and it really took its toll on all of us.

It is excruciating to be worried and tense the whole time and mostly for no valid reason, how do I deal with this? I have tried every medication out there for anxiety and depression, everything failed so my therapist started suggesting I get involved with a hobby or some form of art as a desperate attempt to control my anxiety.

I always feel like if I am not holding the sky up with my own hands it will collapse all over me. For me drugs are like the knight on the white horse who holds up the sky with his own hands to give mine a break so that I can be free to run, laugh, cry, love or even hate someone. As long as my knight was there, I was reassured that my skies won’t collapse just yet, however as soon as they wore off I had to hold up my own skies again.

The GAD has affected my sleep drastically over the years. I could rarely get more than 6 hours of sleep at once and when I did, I woke up terrified that my skies had collapsed in my sleep. I am a control freak and a perfectionist and when I sleep I feel like I have lost control. I can’t find the legit words to describe the feeling, no matter how hard I try. You will just have to take my word on this when I say it is this kind of feeling that can drive a human being to utter madness.

But with my knight I sleep, like a baby, up to 24 hrs and I will wake up as carefree as a lovestruck teenager, even my dreams are happy ones.  When my knight is there, my bed seems more comfy and everything seems so peaceful.

Will my knight turn around and stab me in the chest one day?

© 2017 Ms. R


My Review

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Featured Review

Interesting. You captured the feeling of anxiety, depression and drug use to escape fairly well.
I liked the huge run on sentences, was that an artistic choice?
I also thought it is interesting how in the first part all the I are lowercase but in the 2nd part they are uppercase, curious as to why that is.
Is this a short story or part of something larger. If a short story it leaves me asking the focus. Is she explaining herself, is she worried about drugs, is she thinking of ending it all? I can see the build up to the final question but if that is the final question, drugs or death or are they one in the same, rising the stakes by contemplating the future and talking about both futures I belive will have more of an impact. Other then that well done, very discriptive and intense.

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Ms. R

2 Years Ago

Hey schraud, you review meant alot to me and def. Made my day :) .

Well i really m.. read more
Srchaud

2 Years Ago

I like the idea with the i and I. I like the long sentences. Your trying something differnet. Writin.. read more
Ms. R

2 Years Ago

wow thanks srchaud, i can tell you that this is the best review i can ever get, it meant a lot to me.. read more


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Reviews

Interesting. You captured the feeling of anxiety, depression and drug use to escape fairly well.
I liked the huge run on sentences, was that an artistic choice?
I also thought it is interesting how in the first part all the I are lowercase but in the 2nd part they are uppercase, curious as to why that is.
Is this a short story or part of something larger. If a short story it leaves me asking the focus. Is she explaining herself, is she worried about drugs, is she thinking of ending it all? I can see the build up to the final question but if that is the final question, drugs or death or are they one in the same, rising the stakes by contemplating the future and talking about both futures I belive will have more of an impact. Other then that well done, very discriptive and intense.

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Ms. R

2 Years Ago

Hey schraud, you review meant alot to me and def. Made my day :) .

Well i really m.. read more
Srchaud

2 Years Ago

I like the idea with the i and I. I like the long sentences. Your trying something differnet. Writin.. read more
Ms. R

2 Years Ago

wow thanks srchaud, i can tell you that this is the best review i can ever get, it meant a lot to me.. read more

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Added on October 2, 2017
Last Updated on October 2, 2017

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Ms. R
Ms. R

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