The other side

Forsaken by sleep and lying down on my side of the bed,
 
Stagnant body but the blood is still red.
 
Where you are no longer here with me,
 
And the other side of the bed is empty.
 
The side which is motionless, intact and decent,
 
It still smells of your unforgettable scent.
 
Although constantly reminds me of your absence,
 
By making me realize of your immoral ignorance.

The pillow has turned wet because of my tears,

And there is no place left for me to rest.

Time has wiped away your material presence and I keep my eyes wide open as the walking dead,

But I’m still unable to sleep on the other side of the bed.

Reviews

[JayG]

You’re writing what poets call, Dismal Damsel poems, of the form: Woe is me. Love is pain and my life is a futile struggle.

But why would a reader who doesn’t know the protagonist, or their reason for feeling that way, care? You’re presenting effect without cause. But were you to list the cause, that gives the reader reason to say, “Aww…poor baby.” But it doesn’t give the reader the one thing we read both fiction and poetry for: Emotional involvement.

They’re not seeking to know the feelings o someone unknown, THEY want to be made to feel, not sympathize.

For example, if you and a friend see a one legged man sitting on a box begging, you might feel sympathy, and offer a donation, then walk away, saying, “So, where do you want to have dinner?” The one legged man is gone from your mind. But suppose you come upon your father on that box? Your reaction will be far different because you’re involved, emotionally.

And that’s my point. Unless you involve the reader, and make it personal to THEM, they’ll read, shrug, and turn aside.

Look at the progression, as a reader must:

In L1 Someone unknown is in bed in an unknown place, alone.

L2 talks of a “stagnant body, which says it's either still, or foul, with red blood. Is there another kind but red? To you? The line id deeply meaningful because you have intent and backstory. To a reader, who you’ve given neither? It brings only, “Huh?”

In L3, an unknown “you” is no longer with the unknown speaker. Why? we later learn that it was caused by " immoral ignorance." What that means isn't apparent or specified.

L4 and 5, say the same thing as L3, that this unknown person is gone. But since we don’t know why or when, or why it matters, why does a reader care?

L6 tells us the bed smells, which means either this person recently left, or, the sheets need laundering. You’re trying to say that the trace of scent brings memories, but not knowing what kind of memories, why does a reader care?

My point? Write from your chair, of course. But ALWAYS, edit from that of a reader, who comes to you as a blank slate, knowing only what you words suggest to them, based on their life experience, not yours.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/