Unfolded path

Sometimes all we need to do is to take a step.

She touched her pen and a prose was framed.

As she started to scribble,

The ink began to set her emotions free,

And a poem was born again.

She walked under the sun looking at the shadow she cast.

She soon found the shade she was looking for.

The birds perched on the high branches tired from the long journey,

Resting and looking for a new destination.

As she looks at her reflection she finds the unusual,

The complexion had faded and the sun stole her glow.

But the sparkle of her eyes were telling a different story,

She kept staring to ferret out the smile she always had.

The dead leaves of the autumn lying in the way,

Shivered by the thought of travelers stepping on them,

She stopped, she waited,

Spring wasn't far, it came, and the path unfolded.

~ R.S.

Author's Note

Please feel free to review. Criticism inspires me. :)

Reviews

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Roopal

Welcome to Writers Café.

I thought I would have a look at some of your writing, to see if I had anything intelligent to say about it to help you on your way with constructive critique.

I picked this from the top of your list.

My style of review can be long but it will always give the writer a notion of the impact it has made on me as one of their readers.

My review.

1) Structure: Highly unique. I am not sure whether to read it as a newspaper in columns or whether to read it by moving across the page left to right to left to right. More on this shortly in terms of meaning.

You choose not to rhyme. Nor is their any rhythm to the poem. But you do fully punctuate. Short of explaining the movements between verses, I would not call this so much free or blank verse but rather poetry in prose - that is words written in prose format with traits which resemble verse. I like the way you do this.

2) Use of English: Simple and accessible to all. It fits the piece.

3) Allusion: It would appear there is one large allusion cum metaphor running through this poem which is life or writing related to nature and the seasons. See more below.

4) Meaning: You leave the reader no clue a to the meaning of the poem other than your opening quote:

'Sometimes all we need to do is to take a step'

I repeat myself endlessly on this point, but it is worth saying it again to you Roopal. Meaning is for the writer to own. It is for the reader to guess or rather more importantly interpret in their own way.

Some poems can be quite transparent in their meaning. Yours is rather more opaque. That challenges the reader to read and read and read again, as I have just done. Both approaches have equal validity. I congratulate you on this challenge you set for the reader.

You clearly start with a paragraph (let's say it is poetry in prose) which is all about writing in such away as to make the reader (at least me) regard what follows as the poem created as a result. Writing as creation.

If you read it as columns rather than across the page, you get a slightly different take. But the last three stanzas cum paragraphs are the product of your writing.

I see three ways of looking at this:

a. A straight piece where you write a story following your first verse;
b. The story is an analogy for writing; the art of creation, where ideas are filling your head but you are blocked and need to sweep out the autumn leaves to write in a new and seasonally related spring related way; and
c. An analogy for for life be it in seasons or the everyday- out with the old of autumn and in with the new of spring. A new step forward by sheer will.

I see all as existing in your poem and related to your own words again: 'Sometimes all we need to do is to take a step' - a step forward in writing, in seasons and in life.

5) Impact and favourite lines:

I think the whole issue of the old and the new, be it in writing, or in nature, or in life will impact all. I found the way you expressed this neat in its own complexity of varying meanings.

To reach the new, you have to take a single step over the old and decaying to decayed.

Let me just list two of my favourite parts of this poetic prose:

First:

Your opening stanza.

She touched her pen and a prose was framed.
As she started to scribble,
The ink began to set her emotions free,
And a poem was born again.

Writing is an essential for those who write. Often it is the only mode of self-expression to clear one's head and explain oneself to oneself, what our life is, a moment of it and what it means.

Your first line admits to prose and you last to a poem. An indicator for poetry in pose style to follow.

Second:

Your closing stanza and the resolution of the piece.

The dead leaves of the autumn lying in the way,
Shivered by the thought of travelers stepping on them,
She stopped, she waited,
Spring wasn't far, it came, and the path unfolded.

Be it in writing, nature or life, one step is only needed to bring needed change.

6) Overview: A very unique structure well expressed in such a way as to generate alternative meanings for the reader.

I find this well written and look forward to reading more of your pieces in time.


With my warmest regards


James Hanna-Magill

[Roopal]

Thank you so much. I am happy I could write something meaningful.

The structure I set while posting it was moving across the page left to right to left to right, but now when I see, I wonder how it seems ok while reading it in columns.
About the English part, because it is not my first language, I'm still working on it, but my main aim is to keep my grammar correct so I try not to overdo it. :)
The girl decides to take a step, and it is about her struggle, her observation of others struggle and how can someone else's step cause someone shiver. but in the end she finds her way out. In fact there is more to it than meets the eye. :)
I'm happy that you noticed both the words prose and poem, contradictory and yet in the same stanza.
My personal favorite line happens to be 'But the sparkle of her eyes was telling a different story,'. I'm happy you liked more than I expected.
I will keep trying and write better. Thanks for your useful review, all that an aspirant needs is encouragement and inspiration. :) :)

[James Hanna-Magill]

Thank you. You certainly have all of my encouragement, Your friend, James

[StoryTellerWriter]

very nice. I actually travelled to that place and back while reading it.

[SyberRose]

Enjoyed dear....and I enjoyed reading James nice review too...Rose:)

[Onku Ghosh]

Beautifully written. loved the lines "SHe touched...........a poem was born again.'' and also "The dead leaves of autumn........travellers stepping on them."You rhyming is beautiful as is the execution. Very good write

[Roopal]

I'm glad you liked it Onku. You are a generous reviewer. Thanks for your sweet words. :) :)

[Vikrantsingh]

Wonderful and stunning love it the way it flows. Even when its comes in your mind which made you write this masterpiece is properly executed and narrated. You don't seem to be new to this poetry world
Am i correct?

Quiet Better move from start to end Season's kept changing with love and harmony.
Eventually they all ended upon Autumn.
Cheers!
Wonderful poem ;)
Singh :)

[Roopal]

Trust me, I'm new. I wrote for the first time when I was 11, but I was always a shy when it came to tell anyone. So this is my first exposure to writing.
It is a big compliment and it inspires me in ways! Thank you so much Vikrant. :)

[Vikrantsingh]

Welcome

[Devanshu Rajput]

The words are as true as the image pasted, soothing. It inspires me to embrace the words and dissolve into the pond of essence.

Good Luck

Devanshu Rajput

[Roopal]

thank you Devansh. And good luck to you too. :)

[Devanshu Rajput]

You are most welcome

[Mary Christabel George]

"She touched her pen and a prose was framed.
As she started to scribble,
The ink began to set her emotions free,
And a poem was born again."

I loved this stanza... this is how it happens with the evolution of a great writer.
Travelling a journey from budding stage to maturity.

The rest of the stanzas are full of hope. Seeing good things in spite of bad things around.

The style of writing is stylish of course.

hmmm.... It was too sweet that I could not find room for criticism.

[Roopal]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm obliged :)

[Friday]

Very beautiful in its simplicity and original in structure it seems to me. It has an overall "light" feel for me. Thank you!

[Roopal]

thank you. i'm glad you liked it . :)

[Coyote Poetry]

You are a talented writer. The poem was a gentle ride into thoughts and places. There is no weakness in the poem. You led the reader to good places and left them with good thoughts and visions. Thank you for sharing the excellent poem.
Coyote

[Roopal]

thank you so much. my aim is always to end the piece on a good note and with some meaning. i am happy i could somewhat fulfill it. :) :)

[Travis Gibson (poetic h..]

Good piece, I really have to learn to write about nature. This was very calming to read.

[Roopal]

there is not much to learn, just observe. problem comes when we explain what we felt and that is where I find it tough. i've read your write ups, it will be very easy for you. :) thank you and i'm waiting for your next poem. :)

[Travis Gibson (poetic heroics)]

Thanks for the encouragement, it's most appreciated.

[Roopal]

you are welcome. :)