no sleep

no sleep

A Poem by rosanna1120

I can't sleep
I'm always white as a sheet
When ever I think
Of where you might be
But fight for right
You'll always stand
Now I just wait for tears
For future disappointed fears
To drain my doubts of you not returning out

© 2009 rosanna1120


Author's Note

rosanna1120
please leave a lot of comments. thank you, i really appreciate all feed back.

My Review

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Featured Review

Not much to this, is there?

My question is, what message are you trying to convey?
Develop the poem further than leave it in this same form.

"white as a sheet" is cliche.
If you say 'you can't sleep', you can describe what it feels like without saying 'you can't sleep'.
Try developing the sentence 'of where you might be'...

'disappointed fears' doesn't say much. It's pretty much dead language.

It's too general to have any effect.
Dig deeper.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Touching...

Posted 7 Years Ago


Not much to this, is there?

My question is, what message are you trying to convey?
Develop the poem further than leave it in this same form.

"white as a sheet" is cliche.
If you say 'you can't sleep', you can describe what it feels like without saying 'you can't sleep'.
Try developing the sentence 'of where you might be'...

'disappointed fears' doesn't say much. It's pretty much dead language.

It's too general to have any effect.
Dig deeper.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I like this really well ! It's good !

Posted 10 Years Ago



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Added on August 9, 2009